Can't keep a complainer down

Back by popular demand. You missed me - didn't you?

You know what really grinds my gears? Today is mother's day and I'm not a mom - and that's fine and all, I'm waiting till I'm good and tired of not having responsibilities, cause nothing ruins a perfectly delicious plate of ihop cheesecake pancakes quicker than a three-year-old throwing yogurt - but it got me to thinking. I haven't properly celebrated me in at least two months or more. My three weddings are but a distant memory now that spring has sprung, all the left-over valentine's day candy has that weird, white film over it (who am I kidding, there's no left-over valentine's day candy, and even if there were and it had white film, that wouldn't stop me from eating it, but still) and all I have left of my 3rd 29th birthday party are some embarrassing pictures to untag on Facebook.

This is the longest I've gone without someone sending me a card in like a year and it honestly pains me. No one told me today how special I am, how pretty I look or gave me anything to unwrap. Yuck right?! I'm not that cool with the lack of admiration and adoration I'm feeling.

And you know what, I won't have a me celebration for months to come. Like a million people have birthdays between now and my next one including Ette 2, my mom (and it's a big one), my husband, my niece, the new kid, my uncle and brother-in-law, blech. I guess I'm just supposed to be excited for all you guys huh? Well I'm not. I got good and used to having parties for myself and you all showing up and being excited and lifting me up on chairs and stuff. Argh it's killing me to recall it all now since it's been so freaking long since it's happened. Seriously, someone call my bridesmaids and have them organize some shit. They were all thrilled to help out during wedding and bachelorette party planning, I'm sure they wouldn't mind chipping in again. Doesn't have to be anything huge. How about just the core group of 20-25 meet at a restaurant or better yet take a back-room in some cool, new loungey bar, get a couple balloons and some cupcakes with my picture digitally printed on them. Is that too much to ask? And everyone can you all wear black and then I'll wear red so I really stand out and let's have karaoke there, but I'll do like every other song. Oh actually, let's do this, if someone else wants to sing we'll find a duet - that would be good. And someone remember to bring your camera and really try to upload the photos to send to me the next day. I hate waiting to get pics from my parties.

Whew, I actually feel better just knowing now that this is in the works. Thats guys, you're the best and I appreciate it. See you soon.

Remember, you guys wear black.

What's happening here

Angelina's mask is peeling off. Underneath she's a robot - obviously.

I've got an excuse

So I know, I know - Ette1 and I have been MIA for the last couple of months. She was off getting hitched, and I was off getting knocked up. Yeah, that's right. Ette2 is pregnant. How does this benefit you, readerettes? Well it's giving me lots of material to work with, and I'm going to kvetch about it all to you, right here. Or at least try to. Baby brain makes me really forgetful, so it's also my excuse if I don't come through. Anyway, let's start this kvetch party, shall we? Situations in which "I'm pregnant" are a perfectly acceptable excuse:

1. When your partner wants to have sex. It's sex that got you where you are now...and he wants more? Just let a fart loose and blame it on the baby. He'll leave you alone for a few days.
2. Speaking of gas, any time you need to let loose, now it's perfectly acceptable to do so. After all, you're carrying a child - and your insides are out of your control. Enjoy this gassy freedom!
   
3. When there is snow to be shoveled/leaves to be raked/yard work to be done/heavy items to be lifted.
   
4. When you crave french fries dipped in ranch dressing and hot fudge - together.
5. When there is a long line for a public restroom. Just grab your belly and do the leg-cross hop, and look really, really, shamed - as if you sort of just leaked a little. Women will feel sorry for you. Trust me.
6. When people you don't really like at work keep trying to get you to join them for after-work cocktails. You can now answer, "yeah, no-can-do, unless you want my baby coming out with a cyclops head, looking like Courtney Love."
7. When you're out at night and bored, and tired, and cranky, and not enjoying yourself. All you want to do is go home and put on your tempurpedic slippers and curl up in your snuggle. Well now, you have a great excuse. Get ye to the car, husband!
8. When someone serves you something really nasty (like your friend who can't cook for shit). You can blame it on your pregnancy food aversions. "Sorry Jennifer, but Paco the Taco doesn't like tuna casserole with marshmallows."
9. When H-ette is listening to a song you don't like...you can turn it down or change the station without repercussion -- just blame it on that awful headache you have.
10. When you have a total Tourretts-like outburst and say something really mean or honest or both. This is the joy of pregnancy hormones. Use these 9-months to your advantage, and get all the crap you REALLY want to say off your chest!
    

I can't help it, I think she looks hot

I know everyone is in a uproar about Heidi's surgeries, but I think she looks kinda good. I mean I was a Heidi fan in the way early beginnings of the Hills and thought she was cute before - but what do I care if she mashes her face up, and why would you care either? She's from an MTV reality show, should we be that concerned about her plastic surgery? We've got other things to worry about, like her maniac, creepo husband. Don't get me wrong I kinda love Spencer too, but these are not my role models. So let them experiment with their faces, just like he does with that freaky blonde beard. I think she looks good, she's a younger, better version of what all the Housewives of OC want to be. I hope she does get bigger boobs. I hope they look like two giant watermellons under her sweater, and she needs a walker to help her stand up straight. And I hope she let's MTV film the surgery next time. All good stuff as far as I'm concerned.

Wordsworth

Since I'm too busy to have an original thought right now. I'll just copy someone else's work for your enjoyment.

The Washington Post recently published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

My favorite of course is testicle, see below.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled, by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Goodbye Oh' Nine!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!