I know what you're thinking...

How could I have called someone out like that in my previous post. But you know what? There's no evidence I am referencing myself, it's very possible I was talking about someone who knows someone who knows someone. Or maybe I read it somewhere. So don't judge. But really, it is tacky as hell, I make no apologies or excuses for it what-so-ever. And she doesn't read this blog anyway, so it's basically like my diary, I just so happen to be sharing it with the rest of the world. That is, if it were a personal story. I'll never tell...well, I'll tell you if you ask. Just ask me.

On to today, which has turned out to be such a great day, because I just won a contest from Apartment Therapy in which I won 2 fabulous pillows. Now how's THAT for a Super Tuesday! One of my wins is pictured above. I rock.

So my words of advice to readerettes today is as follows:

• Enter contests, you can't win if you don't play. The proof is in the pillow.
• Send thank you cards. Nothing says awful like a card that was part of a jumbo batch feed from the laser printer. At least don't send them to me. I require at least a signature created with a Bic pen. Like I said, there are stakes with being friends with people - my payoff is that someone I know might become famous and I can sell the signature to pay my bills. It's why I still have cards saved from my Bat Mitzvah.
• DVR is the best invention ever. The ability to watch shows at my leisure means I can gloat about my pillow win for another ten minutes, grab another Stella, watch 90210 sans commercials, and catch the start of the debate at 9pm on the nose. Everybody plays, everybody wins. Go Ette Six-Pack, go!

Wacky, tacky or true?

...or all three? You are in a wedding party. You take part in all the year-long pre-wedding festivities, included but not limited to: engagement party, dress fittings, envelope stuffings, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, pedicure party, yada yada yaaaaaada. You put your best face (and manicured feet) forward...you give a generous gift because that's how you roll.

And in return what do you get? How about a pre-printed, Kodak gallery postcard with the words "Thank You" emblazoned in some rich text font. Not even a signature from the happy bride and groom, something you could sell on eBay if they ever became famous. Not even your name penned in ink across the top. Nothing that differentiates this photo card stock card from any other pre-printed web order. In fact, the envelope doesn't even have your name and address handwritten out - that too, I'm afraid, came off an address label sheet.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Emily Post not only just turned over in her grave, but she is clawing her hollowed eye sockets out with the remnants of her bony, disintegrating fingers.

Everybody's doin it...

Soulja boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat soulja boy
Then super man dat hoe
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)
Now watch me yuuuuaaaaaa!
(crank dat soulja boy)

It's a MAN's World!

At long last... and many moons after being promised uncensored access to provide my inner most male-centric Kvetches, behold the musings and ramblings of Husbandette.

Rather than bore the Kvetchette faithful with the typical banter usually found here, I'd like to focus this almost certain one-time-only contribution where it belongs... on the complaints that we men have regarding ye' women. For discussion purposes only, "women" shall be defined as any and all of the following:

Wife, girlfriend, Mom, Nana, first-date chick, sugah-mama, FWB (friend with benefits), random hook-up, Mistress, Cleaning Lady, Dry-Cleaning Lady, Meter-Maid, and Mary Kay Saleswoman, etc.

1. Too much talking. We men are busy individuals. We have Madden tournaments to play in. Our visits to the throne are sacred (see #4). Playoff sports are in fact more important than almost anything you "have to talk to us about" excluding the phrases "my water just broke," "the Swedish Nanny agreed to have a 3-way!" or "Ummm... Honey, the FBI is at the front door, is there anything I should know?"

Now I am sure most women were foolishly led to believe at the onset of the relationship that we men actually like to talk. Heck, what other modus operandi are we to employ in order for you to actually believe that we're interested in helping the blind or donating cash to educate Nepalese children. I'm all for a lengthy chat about Sarah Palin's stunning level of stupidity or Brad Pitt's awesomely thick hair, but when it comes to wasting precious seconds discussing so-called "feelings" or "relationships," I would wager my 6-iron that most men would rather attend three successive defensive driving courses in August without air-conditioning.

2. We ALWAYS think you look GREAT! This is a major issue. If we had any clue that you'd need so much reassurance about your appearance, we might have reconsidered the relationship in the first place! Now in all fairness, most women probably do not realize how the male brain actually functions so it is fortunate that I have a few minutes to describe the process:

Woman: Hi babe, how was your day sweetheart?
Man: Ummm, it was nice.. and yours?
Translation from male inner monologue... uh oh, why is she being so nice?

Woman: So... notice anything?
Man: ...
Translation... I knew it. Hmmm, is it hair, shoes or liposuction?

Woman: You've gotta be kidding me, you don't even notice anything different about me do you?
Man: ...
Translation... I've got a 1 outta 3 chance here, screw it, I'm going hair.

Woman: BABE!!!
Man: Whoa, sorry... I was just so mesmerized by your hair, I couldn't summon the words...
Translation... Please let me be right so we don't have to spend the next two hours TALKING.

Maybe woman should try a new approach in this area. Instead of trying to draw blood from a stone, instead simply assert your gorgeousness with confidence and therefor your male counter party will do what his genetic makeup requires... which is to agree and reinforce!

3. MEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. At some point, there will be a moment of clarity for ALL women. I have heard of (but never seen) a few women in Finland who have reached this greater state of consciousness, but unfortunately no one has actually proven their existence. Just to be clear, although only very few men ACTUALLY ARE always correct about everything they think, say or do (myself and Pants included), it is the THEORY of #3 that is important.

Women, try a drill for this one. Remember when you were babysitting your 7-year-old cousin and he was absolutely certain that there were 52 states in the Union? He was so sure of himself and the argument had no end in sight. Do you recall when you actually just gave up and agreed with his ludicrous assertion and he finally shut up and went to sleep sucking on his thumb in false triumph? That's the lesson ladies, all men just want to nap with their thumbs in their mouths with the satisfaction that they are STILL right.

Get it? Got it? Good. Enough said.

4. Man is King and the bathroom is his domain. Why is this that WE should have to leave the toilet seat down? Clearly, women need the seat, so you should simply lower it when in use and return the seat to its unused position when the deed is done. How can the glorious and wise man be expected to fumble around with mechanic contraptions at 4 a.m. while also maintaining control of a powerful urine stream? Simply put... he cannot. It goes against every law of physics and biology.

We do not want anyone messing with our toiletries! Men have five basic devices/products/tools that are essential to our survival. These are, in no order of importance, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, razor and soap. We do not want you to put our toothpaste and toothbrush away in some designer pouch to be stored in the third drawer! If I wanted my toothbrush to be hidden away, I would have stored it in your underwear drawer just for laughs.

Additionally, "everyone loves their own brand." We men do not want to use ozone-layer depleting aerosols to mask the true nature of our delicious odors. Haven't any of you women read the literary gem "Everybody Poops?" If Men are to be deprived of absolute control over their Throne and all the lands within smellshot, then this just may be a world that I don't want to live in anymore.

5. Science has proven that Man was created without "bed-making" Chromosome. This point needs no explanation or clarification, simply re-read until memorized.

Unfortunately, that is all the time I have to entertain the Bored Faithful today. Ette2 is dangerously close by and I can sense her marathon DVR wathing session is about to end. It was a great pleasure and a true honor to represent the Supreme Gender today and although I shall most likely be banned from posting ever again... it was WELL worth it.

Sincerely, H-Ette

It's Temporary

I know what you're thinking...this has become a very Sarah Palin-obsessed blogrant. And you know what? You're right! When there is someone out there making a fool of herself and society, it's our duty to humiliate that person and exploit their idiocy. That's our job.

But to take a break for a moment, we'll shift the focus back to McBlame. Here's an interesting flow chart to get you going before the week begins. Enjoy.

Here’s what I liked about the debate

You know you watched it. You wanted to see Sexy Sarah say something stupid to reaffirm your belief that you are better and smarter then her in everyway, making her a totally insane VP pick.

Favorite moments:

• When Palin basically said she’s not interested in answering questions from people like the debate commentator – and only wants to speak to Joe Six-pack. It’s possible someone didn’t explain to her the purpose of the debate.
• That non-focused stare she did every time she was reciting something she memorized the night before.
• When Biden cried – brilliant, bravo Biden, tears from a chic – weak and lame, tears from an old man is solid gold vote-earning genius
• “We’re just a team of Mavericks”
• Did you catch when she said “Obama and O’Biden?” That might have been my favorite moment.
• You know she practiced saying Ahmadinejad and she was determined to say it at least 10 times to prove she knew it. Kim Jung Il, got her bonus points.
• Her kicky new hairdo

Lowlights:

• The downs baby at the end. They let the preggo teen stay home and rest, why not give the baby a break.
• Those chompers on Biden – they seem a little elitist to me, so big and white

I'm no art historian

But this doesn't strike me as belonging in the Louvre. It's a solid gold statue of kate moss's special area. It's being displayed in some British Museum along with their Greek statue gallery. Because, you know, these are like the same.

Put them down

What's with celebrity parents always carrying their kids on their hip - even till they are way too old for that shit? I feel like I see these pictures everyday. My back hurts because my boobs are too much weight for me to carry around in the front, I can't imaging lugging a 50 pound child everywhere. I also think it's stunting their growth and development. These kids can walk by now. They should be running and jumping and riding bikes. Also, my sister who is a total non-celebrity has like 18 strollers, can't these rich jerks get the kid a ride? And especially Jennifer Garner, she's carrying the big one and the little non-born-yet one at the same time. I feel like Violet is kicking the new baby in the head on every stroll they take. I wonder if my mom did the same thing with me and that's why I have secret resentment against my big sis. Or maybe that's why my little brother kind of hates me.

Happy New Year

For those of you who are confused why half of your office is not in today - it's Rosh Hashanna, or Rosh Hashana, or Rosh Hashanah, or for us the New Year, or literally Head of the Year. We Jews are so chosen and special that we don't even follow your x many years after Christ calendar - we have our own that's way older and better, we're partying like it's the year 5769. Forget fancy fireworks and Dick Clark, we're pulling a horn off an animal and blowing in it to make sounds - hooray for the rosh! I should be one of the Jews taking off work today to "pray" and stuff, which translated into English means, do a drive-by at temple and spend the rest of the afternoon watching TV and eating brisket. But since I took off yesterday to make the freaking brisket, I had to catch up. You'll notice some people trying to "work the Jew system" by taking tomorrow off too - it's technically still the holiday but nobody really observes that part. It's all leading up to our most hated holiday - Yom Kippur, next week, where we fast all day. Fake-ass Jews will try to cheat and still drink stuff, or only eat non-delicious foods, but us hard-core tribe members go the full day - no food, no drink, no helpful drugs. We repent for our sins (will be a long day for me), ask for forgiveness for our wrong-doings (again, long shitty day) and fast and at the end the big guy decides if we're good to go for another year. Anyway, that's what I'm looking forward to next week. Today I'll celebrate the new year by leaving work 3 hours early.

Good Yuntiff, everyone.

I’m less funny in chicago

Pants and I were in chi-town this weekend for a little architecture, a bit of lake and a touch of romance. All were lovely. While New Yorker’s were drowning in record-level rain storms, we were basking in the glow of Illinois sunshine. I know that doesn’t sound normal – the weather in Chicago is mostly ass with wind and freezing temps, but we lucked out and it was fab. And since I know you expect interesting recaps of my activities, I’m trying to sit here and come up with something funny to say about it. But everyone we encountered was so freaking nice that I don’t have anything to complain about. Every waiter we met in the whole city was so smiley and happy to be alive and serve us – I can’t even complain about how happy they were because the shear power of their un-obnoxiousness blew my crappy attitude out the window. There were lots of other surprising great things about the weekend:

• Lots of stuff was free: We strolled into the zoo without a ticket booth in sight. There’s something about seeing a gorilla poop up close for free that is exhilarating.
• They have a beach! I know crazy shit right?! I guess it’s a lake, but there was a huge sandy stretch of nice beach to chillax on. If only they had those straggly guys pimping Coronas stomping around the beach it would be perfect.
• You look way skinny reflected in that weird Tiffany bean thing in Millennium Park.
• Ooh, I won 27 dollars with a scratch off lotto ticket – nice huh – that never happens in NYC.

I guess if I HAD TO complain about something I could come up with a few thoughts…

• They put whole pickles and tomatoes on their hot dogs – ew
• Proximity to clients is a total downside, luckily I didn’t bump into them
• “Extreme” lake speedboat tour was slightly less extreme than say an annoying stop-and-go bus ride across town
• No Oprah sightings, although I did see that little guy that Kelly Ripa is married too, he’s cute

Although it was a great weekend, I'm happy to report that with just a day back in NY, I'm already feeling like my old curmudgeon self. I'm sure tomorrow's post will be much more offensive and mean, as per my usual.

Dinner with the Jews = lots of kvetching

So 1 decided to put her best culinary face forward and host a little Rosh Hashanah din last night. She scooped up sisette and bro-in-law-ette and of course Angel Baby, and Lawyerette and her husband, who apparently is referred to as big headette. And friendette who is going on a date with a Blew (black Jew) and of course H-ette and yours truly. It was a great night of food, folks and fun. Between 1's fantastic brisket and multiple potato choices (there were three) as well as homemade matzo ball soup (that's how she "rolls") and the intense political banter, I think we managed to eke in a blessing over wine somewhere or other, before the bottles were sucked dry. But, while none of us ended up in $250/seat synogogue services today (available through Ticketmaster), we did it up proper, kvetching about Jewish McCain supporters and of course thinking of reasons we should participate in the Great Schlep even though none of us have Bubby's in Florida.

Anyway, today is a new day...a New Year, actually...between the political train wreck and the financial world joker-fest, who knows what each new day holds for us anymore - it's anyone's game...go enjoy your day off and your family. Happy Challadays, readerettes. We glove Jew. Amen.

Road Trippin'

So maybe you have a Bubby in Florida. Maybe you don't...but humor me - today you do. You don't get to see very much of her, mostly because Florida is one of those weird places that's too far away and it kind of seems like a waste of a vacation to go there when for the same amount of money and air travel time you can be in the Caribbean, and well, that sounds so much more interesting and hot and the drinks are probably better (if you like pina coladas...). But Bubby is still in Florida and she kvetches about everything when you talk to her, mostly because she wants to use her powers of Jew Guilt to get you to come down to the Miami retirement community and play shuffleboard so she can show you off to her Canasta pals, how pretty you are, how successful, look what expensive shoes you wear...you know the deal. Bragging rights are a birthright down in the promised land of Florida.

As if you needed a reason, here's a damn good one. Obama needs that Florida vote like Sarah Palin needs half a brain. So get your powers of persuasion on, and get down there and bribe some old Jews to get out there and vote Obama. Do it. Do it for your country. Do it for the Jews.

Check out Sarah Silverman's Great Schlep message above. It rawks.

Laughter is the best medicine

except when you snort while doing it. I've been known to, on occasion, emit a nasal rendition of a gurgle when laughing at something. Those near and dear to me find it endearing. Or at least, don't find it offensive. Today, however, those whom I work with got to experience a dose of my laughing prowess, albeit candidly. Mid meeting on a Friday, around a conference table with no fewer than 9 co-workers talking about home decor and how tattoos on a model in a home furnishings advertisement send a positive message during a bad economic time, someone says something funny (and no, it wasn't the comment about tattoos, but it should have been). Laughter ensues. Well yours truly, exhausted and elated because TFGIF (that's "thank f-ing god it's friday") lets out a big, loud, whooping laugh followed by a mammoth of a snort. And the whole table went into cardiac arrest. The CEO actually told everyone to go ahead and get an early start on the weekend. It was that deafening and awkward.

Thank you very much. I will be here all week.

Whatever.

So nobody wants to take me up on the guest post offer. I see how it is. Well you know what? We changed our minds anyway. We don't want you to post. Because as our tag line CLEARLY states, we complain so you don't have to. So there you have it. Don't lift a finger, readerettes. Just live vicariously through our hilarious minds. Use them and abuse them, r-ettes. Because someday we'll be smote with plagues like memory loss and Alzheimer's (or give excuses like smoking pot to aid our osteoporosis) and won't be nearly as funny as we are today. The well will dry up at some point. Happy Hump Day.

In completely non-news...

Clay Aiken announces he's gay.



Here are some other shocking headlines of the day:

• I like chocolate
• Pants wears shorts sometimes
• Angel baby is cute
• Vacations are fun
• Sarah Palin is scary

Why I'm wasting away in PR and not working as a high-powered investigative reporter, I do not know.

Best of the Kvetch

You are a true New Yorker when:

There are many lists out there that verify all the situations you have to experience before you are considered a "true" New Yorker.

The Kvetchettes would like to give you our own list. Please feel free to comment with additional bullets you deem relevant for this topic.

You are a tried and true, jaded and real New Yorker when you:

1. Have been in a cab expecting to be driven from point A to point B, and been told quite matter-of-factly by the cab driver that you should just get out and take the subway; there's too much traffic and he doesn't feel like sitting in it.


2. When you are in a bodega ordering your Boar's Head special sandwich, and the "house cat" traverses unimpeded through the premises likes he owns the place, and guess what; he sort of does, or at least he owns the mice that he kills so they don't end up in your Boar's Head special. And no one blinks an eye.


3. Have had a sidewalk encounter with a rat the size of the cat mentioned above, and he literally stares you down and tells you to give him your Boar's Head sandwich.


4. Have waited in line outside on the sidewalk (close to where the rat encounter took place) for forty minutes in minus thirty temperatures, to finally get to the front of the line and pay the bouncer $40 for entry in order to get inside, pay another $8 to check your coat, an extra $4 to check your scarf (because they charge individually for each item even if they go on one hanger) and then traverse over to the bar to pay $15 for a watered down, kids-cup sized vodka tonic.


5. Have paid over $18 for a burger, over $8 for french fries and over $16 for a glass of wine.


6. Have ordered pot from a delivery service and had the delivery guy show up, sit down on your couch, and ask if he can watch Family Guy.

Play it.

Jewpardy

Business is good...

We're amazed (and proud) to report that it's been just about one year since Kvetchette entered this crazy world with force out of the VJ of yentas everywhere. We can't quite believe it's been a year we've been publicly kvetching. No wait...scratch that. We've been publicly kvetching all our lives - it's why we are so good at doing it for you in this forum. We can't believe it's been a year that we have put our talent to good, lucrative use. No wait...scratch that. It's not lucrative yet. We have one lonely Googles ad, of whose revenue I have no idea because I forgot the login and password I created to set it up. So technically, I guess our thousands of readers could be clicking on that one, lone, revolving Carvel/Hershey's gifts/online accounting ad and we could have some unclaimed fortune sitting somewhere in an account out at the Googles offices. Or maybe not. Maybe we don't even have enough revenue for a box of Munchkins. I like to think it's the former. I guess it's kind of more exciting to let that check build, so that's what we'll do. But in the meantime we'll continue to do what we do best. Which is shop. No wait...scratch that. It's kvetch.

We'd like to take this week leading up to our true anniversary to share with you some of our favorite posts of yore. We'd also like to take this week to "have a laugh," in a Ricky Gervais kind of way, at some of your kvetches. So send 'em in, readerettes. Send us your guest posts to kvetchette@gmail.com - and consider yourself a part of Internets history. And as if you needed reminding- nothing is off limits. So get on your Palin bandwagons and get to typin'.

I'm a fat pig and here's why...

I don't know why we haven't addressed this before, because it's a topic of great interest to me, but I'm sitting here thinking about how I want a chocolate bar and trying to figure out which one to get. So I'm debating the merits of all my favs in my head. And why keep something in my head when I can share it with all of you.

Snickers obviously is in the top 5. Reasons why? 1. It really satisfies you. 2. Such a good mix of important candy bar ingredients including, chocolate (obvi), peanuts, mystery nougat and caramel. 3. Excellent in ice cream form. Downside to the snickers, it's just a lot you know, you feel kinda like a pig eating a whole snickers. So you opt for those "fun size" tiny ones, but they are so delicious and small you end up eating 12, which is like eating a whole bar and half anyway. So that's a little annoying.

The Milky Way is an excellent snickers alternative - nice caramel / nougat balance there. But nothing crunchy. I like a nice mix of textures in my candy, so this won't do.

Take5 is a newcomer, but deserves some recognition. Have you had this one? It's a combo of five main components. Pretzels, covered in peanut butter, with peanuts, covered in caramel, covered in chocolate. The benefit here obviously is the marriage of salty and sweet. I'll enjoy a Take5 in a pinch, but it's not my top choice, the peanuts I think are gratuitous. Too much chewing required, candy indulgence should be a leisurely activity.

Then you have the 3 Musketeers. Lots of good mystery nougat here - and slightly fewer calories than the other guys. But again, no satisfying crunch and what's with the name? Who are the musketeers and why are there three of them?

OOH, my ultra fav is the Whatchamacallit. These aren't so easily sourced, but so awesomely delicious. I have no idea what's in it, so I had to check the Hershey's site. Apparently it's "peanut-flavored crisp candy," covered in caramel and then dipped in chocolate. What I love here is of course the ridiculous name and the fact that they don't even pretend to have real ingredients like whole peanuts - they are rockin the peanut flavor. Brillz.

I have to throw a bone to Raisinets. Raisins are like gross, shriveled up old grapes that get a new life covered in thick chocolate. Instantly more delicious! Very nice mixed with hot popcorn at the movies.

I was just about the wrap up when I remembered Twix and his kid brother, Kit Kat - HELLO?!?!!? They are both awesomely good tasting. Only downside is like you basically have to share them. They can too easily be divided, so if you open one in front of some greedy person you like have to offer them some. These are best for private dining.

Emails Sarah Palin was able to erase before the hack job

Did you hear that Palin's email was hacked today and they published a bunch of her personal correspondence?! Awesome right. I mean no one is freaking safe on the interwebs, but of course I have no freaking sympathy for her. This bitch might actually be running the country so we need to blow up her spot and get it all out there. Thing is she's smart (or the GOP machine is) and they got to some of the juicier emails before the hackers could. But your ettes were able to hunt them down.  Here are some of the subject lines:

• Re: State trooper firing coverup campaign details
  
• Your Lipstick Color of the Month Club delivery is on it's way to you
• AMAZON.com: "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Foreign Policy" order received 
• Re: Fw: Re: Re: Mom, there's something I need to tell you...
• Moose Hunters Association of Alaska monthly meeting scheduling
• Netflix: Your Order of "An Inconvenient Truth" Will Be Delivered by September 4th
• McDaddy here, not sure quite how this electronic letter mailing service works but my wife bought me a blackbetty device...
• AMAZON.com: "Zen and the Art of Hockey" order received
• AMAZON.com "Baby Mama DVD" order received
• Re: Re: Honeybell, the eldest looka like she getting fat