Gosh

1's going to the Bahamas to soak up the sun with Pants and wear long flowy dresses on the beach just for effect. She will be attending one lavish, way-too-costly wedding of Alexette who probably spent more on this affair than is legal to do in the Bahamas. Which basically means she'll be getting belligerent drunk on really GOOD liquor. Less of a hangover.

Husbandette is flying first class to Tokyo for nine days of being wined and dined by the Japanese who think he's way smart and knowledgeable, but for whom he will have to bow to multiple times daily, possibly throwing out his back, for which I will not feel bad for him because he will be in TOKYO.

What do I get? I get to clean the house. I swear just as I unplug the vacuum from the wall the place is dirty again and dogette's hair is flying. I can't stand it. It's like a serious OCD of mine. So I will spend the lonely week in solitude, cleaning, because at least I'll have something nice to feel good about when it sparkles.

Thanks a lot, and have fun on your trips. Punks.

Sometimes my life is awesome

Have next to no time to post today because I had a work event in the a.m., am running into a meeting now and then packing tonight because I'm off to the Bahamas tomorrow. I can't even think of a complainy thing to say - sometimes my life is good.

Dad, I know you may pay a visit to casa de-complaino this weekend while I'm away, so please note, drawers are not for snooping in. If its not open and out on the table, there is no need for you to see it. No you do not smell any herbal items hidden away in that wooden box and those pills are just for my bad back - that's it. Please don't keep the door open so the dog runs away, and also don't step on her and please feed her sometimes. Enjoy everyone, see you on Tuesday night!

You Want Funny? Here's Your Funny

Anonymity

Posting Kvetchetiquette 101:

We Ette's are busy girls. Each and every day (with the exception of the weekends - those are the lords' days, and lord knows we are hungover on them anyway) we bring you posts. We have been diligent, witty, funny and addictive for those of you that like us. And we appreciate our readerettes, we really do. But lately we've been getting a little ferklempt over the issue of anonymous commenting.

You know us. You know everything about us from when we fart and poo at work to picking our nose under the watchful eyes of others. You know our shoe sizes our emotional issues and our favorite desserts (carrot cake and carvel). We open ourselves up to you, in moments of weakness, moments of frustration, moments of angst. And what do some of you give us in return? Mean, two-snaps-girlfriend comments, attacking our every word. Now don't get us wrong - the name of the game is funny and mean. So go right ahead and humor-bash us up. The problem we have is with the readerettes who don't have the chutzpah to even put their names. Or even come up with fake names! I'd much rather be scoffed at by Spitzer's Defense Attorney or Harry Balzac. You can torment us till the cows come home. But there's something grating about being teased by Anonymous. It's just not right.

So stand up and show yourselves, Anonymettes. If you are going to mock our creativity and Jewcy humor, at least have the Harry Balzac to identify yourself. We do.

Sincerely and truly yours,

Your favorite gals Ette1 + Ette2

The doctor is in

You know what’s awesome about being in therapy – it makes you feel like you are uniquely able to diagnose other people’s problems and then help them solve them. I’ve just been in treatment for three months and man do I know a lot about what’s wrong with you. I’m constantly pointing out people’s flaws, I spot them almost instantly. Like the lady who rang up my breakfast today was totally crabby, it’s obvious she had latent anger issues, probably resulting from her father leaving her at a young age to marry some young chicky. And then there’s a work associate of mine, she’s such a mega biatch that it’s obvious she has an inferiority disorder because she was teased in school for being overweight and didn’t have friends, and now takes it out on everyone who works under her. Don’t even get my started on why I think my boyfriend smokes, or why one of my BFs can’t find a man. Your issues are so obvious to me now, it’s crazy. I’d offer up helpful suggestions but I’ve found most people don’t appreciate the advice. I’m pretty sure that after a few more sessions I’ll be able to kick shrinkette to the curb and set up my own practice. Friends and family, if you do decide you need some expert advice give me a ring, turns out I’m very insightful – my shrink told me so.

This is awesome

Eat Your Lunch

Lunch has been bothering me lately. Where I am working, the pickin's are slim. There is an on-site cafe, which is really giving it more credit than is due. There are only two employees of this cafe - they both work the grill and the cash register, which means you usually have to wait for one or the other. This cafe's selection rotates daily, but includes one soup, a sad excuse for a salad bar, one kind of pizza, and one "entree." Now this entree usually involves the same ingredients as are on the pizza, or the same ingredients as will show up in tomorrow morning's egg scramble or tomorrow's pizza. And for some reason, the key ingredient is usually pork. Now sometimes they sway, like today was Chicken Caesar Salad. That was the "entree." Yes, you heard me state earlier that there is also a salad bar, so doing a chicken Caesar salad is sort of redundant as the salad bar does provide lettuce, chicken and Caesar dressing. However, you get the guy in the chef's hat to toss it in a metal bowl for you - that definitely authenticates it, right? Seriously - when did creativity wither up when it comes to lunchtime? I'm not saying there should be Porterhouses on the menu. But give a girl an udon soup and not Broccoli Cheese every day. Give me a nice panini, grilled and toasty. Give me a little turkey burger. Give me a nice piece of fish. Give me healthy choices, for crying out loud!!

Nope. Salty pork, greasy pizza (with pork on it) or Caesar salad. No wonder our nation is fat. Now because of this lunch conundrum, the ladies room is always out of order. There is usually one of four stalls that remains operational but the other three forget about it. Why? Because of the Lunchtime Burglar. The one that provides greasy, nasty food and then makes you have to poo it all out. Not a good call at work, but I swear, more often than not, I gotta go.

Enjoy your pork teriyaki kids.

How soon is too soon to joke about a tragedy?

For my family the answer is basically right away is fine. My Dad was in a terrible work accident and nearly lost all his fingers on one hand. We think he’ll recover – but less than a day after hearing the news, my brother suggested he replace his right hand with a hook – useful for many tasks – not good for wiping butts. Too soon to joke? No, I think not. In that vein I’ll suggest some pros on hook vs hand:

Hand Pros:

• Good for holding things
• Important for flipping the bird
• Helps type text messages
• Good for pointing
• Good for picking nose
• Wearing rings is easier

Hook Pros:

• Also good for pointing – but essentially just pointing behind you
• Useful for opening bottles
• Handy weapon in case you come upon danger
• Instant tooth pick
• Instant Halloween costume, or in my Dad’s case – Purim
• Cool factor

Looks like it’s a toss up. I say we try to rehab the hand, but if physical therapy is too much of a hassle let’s seriously consider the hook option. And Dad seriously, save some Percocet for me.

FINALLY

This is a big week. All the major players come back to the boob tube and I for one couldn't be happier. What do we have to look forward to?

ER returns, thank god. I was starting to go through John Stamos withdrawal and the symptoms are nasty. Kinda like athlete's foot but stinkier.

The Office, Law and Order, Desperate Housewives, these are a few of my favorite things. And it couldn't come at a better time. Right before husbandette heads off to the other side of the world and leaves me and the dogette to entertain ourselves for a week. Great.

I do have a TV query though. Is it just me, or have these youngster's shows gotten not only more melodramatic, but materialistic? The Hills - now these girls live in LA and work at Teen Vogue as like interns to the assistants of the asswipers of the editors. They make about $2.49 cents an hour in editorial intern pay IF THAT and yet they are dressed in Marc Jacobs and dining at the Ivy. WTF? And Gossip Girl...now this is a really crazy one if you've seen it. These are NYC kids going to basically the equivalent of Dalton school. They are LOADED and they don't act like kids at all. They are having affairs (I swear, they call them affairs, even though they are like 16 and really their little boyfriend just slipped the tongue to the girl whose boobies grew overnight) and they don't really have class. They just go to Cotillion balls and high tea and crap like that. Is that real? Maybe I just grew up in the ghetto or something, but when my boyfriend cheated on me it was hair pulling curse words and it was not polite AT ALL. On Gossip Girl the chick's Grandma comes in to town and gets all devious with the teenagers. Um, I don't get it. Is that aspirational? Interesting? Nana getting all scandalous and creating drama among her granddaughter and her boyfriend?

I miss the days of the Peach Pit. Andrea has sex, she gets pregnant. Serves her right! Taught us all a lesson about unprotected sex that's for sure because she didn't look cute walking the halls in maternity wear. Dawson's Creek? Kids had no money really, they had to find local ways to entertain themselves like hanging out at the lake. Or the creek I guess. Gilmore Girls? Girlfriend is like some amazing scholar and spends all her time in a science book and running the school paper. Her grandparents are loaded and she doesn't want a dime from them. Now THAT's television. Not this hooking up with your mother's boyfriend crap. UGH the thought of that makes me want to PUKE.

Lip Balm Addicted

Was home in Philly this weekend and made a visit to my most favorite place – the Mall. All those stores with new things to buy, a food court stock full of yummy treats – it’s a dream land and I go as often as is possible. Well I had an agenda on this trip. I forgot to bring my beloved Kiehl’s Lip Balm #1 with me to Philly and my poor mouth suffered all weekend. I went at least 33 hours without delicious moisturization and withdrawal soon set in. At first I just felt dry, but then the other symptoms soon appeared, tightness in the lips, uncomfortable tingling and then the dreaded cracking. I was in dire need of the lip balm fix and no ordinary Chap Stick would do, so at the mall I was on a mission. I needed my Kiehl’s or a reasonable alternative. We popped into every store where there might be options to no avail. Finally we find a Bath and Body Works, my sister points out their Pucker Center with all sorts of colorful lip glosses – NO, I tell her, I need balm, I need silky moisture, not colorful goo on my lips! The sales people are circling, they can smell my desperation, and from every corner they move in, with their sing songy “Welcome, can I help you find anything today.” NO again, I don’t want to talk to you, I want soft, moist lips. I finally come upon a C.O. Bigelow display and find a suitable balm – 5 % shea butter, 2% sweet almond oil – this will do. I take it up to the counter and the most annoying clerk rings me up. She’s taking her time, telling me about the other great specials they have today – NO, just the balm will do. OK, she says, phone number? NO I say, just the balm. But she says it’s for coupons! NO, just the balm. OK, email? Seriously?! NO – I just wanting the freaking lip balm on my mouth and I don’t want to give you any of my private information. She seems confused; I hand over exact change and grab the bag out of her hand, and slather the cool serum all over my mouth. It’s ok, but it’s not my Kiehl’s and I miss it. We drudge on as I reapply. I begin to notice my lips are not absorbing the new, unfamiliar oils and I remain in lip balm need. We must find a Kiehl’s finally on our last stop through Bloomingdale's on the way to the car, I stop to briefly look at some dresses, and then in the distance my sister sees the classic logo – a Kiehl’s counter – I’m saved. I rush over and buy two pots – one of them a one-ounce that will last me at least a year. She asks to try some, but I cannot share, it’s much too precious. I hand over the stupid C.O. Bigelow tube to her and hold my Kiehl’s close to my heart. I’m not all better yet, I need to consistently reapply – my lips are healing, I’ll be ok, but it was a harrowing experience. I’ll never leave home without my Kiehl’s again.

Obama Drama

Oy, why all the player haters on Obama? I mean really - if the best thing haters (ahem, Ette1) can come up with is that the man smokes cigs, well I say let's vote him in to office tomorrow. It's certainly a hell of a lot less scandalous than some of the other things we've uncovered about our politician friends.

So what - he puffs to relieve stress. Would it be better if he were a closet alcoholic or if he binged whenever he got stressed? I can't judge the man by something like that. As an ex-smoker, someone who puffed the sticks for years and years, I know it's gross, but it also makes you feel damn good, and it does relieve stress, in addition to keeping thin. If Obama is gonna be our prez, he's not going to have time to go to the gym b/c obviously the mess he is being left with thanks to this current administration is going to have him busy about 23.5 hours out of the day. So a little puff puff to take the edge off and make dealing with scumbag politicians and cronies around the globe a little easier? So be it.

Hil gets stressed and she cries. Maybe she should try the Marlboro method herself. And let's spend our time badmouthing McCain instead, because from the looks of this picture, he thinks he has the presidency by the balls, so it's high time to put him in his place.

Are We Ready for a Smoker President?

No I think not. Obama smokes he said he quit in Feb last year, but he totally fell off the wagon and admitted it recently.

Yes smoking is legal, blah blah, but he’s totally trying to hide it – which is annoying, why not just be open about it? Not so perfect is he?! I like my politicians a little dirty, a sex scandal here, a little embezzling there… but smoking – I mean come on, that is a bad habit that can kill you. What message does it send to the youth of America? That smoking is cool, smoking is for powerful people?

OK, Super Delegates, get in line now. Think of the health of the younger generation, we can’t afford to have a smoker in office. I also heard he doesn't always wash his hands after popping and never flosses. Ew, gross.

The Ettes are not well today I’m sad to say. I won’t speak for 2, but I’m sure she’s cranky today. I’m basically fine, but we had a little family emergency yesterday – let’s just say Dad won’t be modeling rings for a while – and well Mom needs to help him in the hygiene area. Sorry Dad, hope you have a speedy recovery – and save some Oxycontin for me!

It’s hard to be funny when you’ve got a lot on your mind – so here's a funny picture from this week. Paris Hilton fell down, enjoy.

Cha cha cha changes...

We are moving and shaking over here at the kvetchateria. Laboriously dreaming up new creative stimuli for you for which we are totally not qualified to be doing. Like designing logos. Check it. Hope you like it, it took me 14.5 hours to figure out how to create it, and I am so over it at this point I could care less if those kissy lips were replaced with an icon of Woody Allen. Wait - that would actually be quite funny. Except that Woody is on a suing rampage for people who are illegally using his image without consent; ahem, American Apparel.

Oh well - enjoy. Let me know if you like it. And if you don't? Suck it.

This has been bugging me

Have you heard about this guy who's transgender - went and got reassignment surgery and everything, but kept his female reproductive organs, and now he's knocked up?! That's right a man is preggers.

I'm sorry but I take issue. The one thing we've got that guys don't (other than the big boobs and taste in clothes) is the fact that we have the babies. If you are going to all this trouble to change your sex, remove the boobs, grow a stash and have us all call you Bob - then you give up your right to bear children. This is not some homophobic stance - I love the gays, and I love the transgenders too, and I understand the desire to have kids, but really now we're playing with nature and not in a good way. There are reasons women have the babies - it's because our bodies are made to care for them - sorry guys but that's what the boobies are for!

Sure I'd love to be a man, able to fart in public with no one complaining, sleep with countless people and not be called a slut, buy pants without having to try them on. But no I remain female because I hope to be a mom one day (that - and the shoes are prettier). I hope this is a one-time case, and I wish good luck to this kid. I'm in therapy cause I'm a middle child, I can't imagine how screwed up this kid is going to be.

High-Larious

Especially if you've already been entertained by the Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel versions.

What’s with the choices men make on their entertainment?

For my Pants if it’s not March Madness or if a Philly team isn’t playing something, then it’s 100% of the time prison shows. And there are a plethora: MSNBC Investigates (Prison Documentaries), Prison Break, Oz. Let me give you a little snippet of basically every Oz episode in case you aren’t already a fan. Inmates are all mad about something, prison fight breaks out, man gets shanked, man does drugs, man gets raped by another man, sadness and desperation ensue. Every now and then they throw in a little lethal injection or neo-nazi speech to mix it up, but for the most part, every episode follows the same formula. And to make it more fun, it’s on at 11 p.m. and runs for an hour, so just as you are about to cozy up to bed and drift off into dreamland you are bombarded with horrific images of barbaric behavior and torture scenes. I don’t understand the appeal, there’s also this huge undercurrent of homosexuality as a running theme – not sure what that’s all about Pants. And no wonder guys in our society are so desensitized. For a sensible person like Pants, it doesn’t seem to affect him too much, but I can’t imagine how it incites already generally angry men out there. I wish there was some sort of family entertainment that we could enjoy together. I get that he may not be interested in the life of the Hills ladies, planning a debutant ball in Paris may not be as much action as a guy needs, but can’t we find a middle ground. We used to have Planet Earth, it was educational and beautiful and interesting, but it’s over now, and we’ve already seen like every episode of Family Guy. I sorta had him into Top Chef for a while, but now the interest seems to be waning. Please send your suggestions; if I see one more inmate get cornered in the shower, I’m going to freaking cry.

I've Been Had

Ette1 and her tomfoolery really got me today. I spent the better part of the morning wiping tears off my keyboard and reapplying mascara.

Now that all order is restored I can stop begging to pay for her to get broadband service at home and go back to complaining. I really don't have it in my "budget" to be paying 1's Internets anyway.

It's also Dogette's birthday today. Shout out to Leia and all her pawed homies. Let your hair down, girl, and really enjoy that bone. Where my dogs at?

Just kidding

It's April Fools Day, I had to do something. For the record I totally got Ette 2, she was almost in tears. They can't fire me, I'm a VP, I'm way too important around here!

Check out a pic of the best April Fools Prank ever

Sad News

So as you can see by my frequent updating, I use some time during my work day to blog. No it’s not exactly ethical, but I reason that on most days I sit at my desk to eat lunch, I don’t take lots of little breaks like most people so I should be allowed some free time on the internets that isn’t exactly work-related. Well turns out my boss doesn’t agree. One of the few girls in my office who actually reads this thing, blabbed unintentionally about the blog, my boss got wind and called me into her office yesterday for a sit down to discuss. She’s now sending the IT guy up to my desk to block the site. Even though I promised not to blog during work hours she insisted that it’s office policy. Now it wouldn’t be so bad but I don’t have an internet connection at home, we get spotty reception from stealing from other wifis in the building but it’s not reliable. So readers, I’m sad to say it looks like I have to hang up my blogging gloves for a while. Ette 2, I turn over to you, keep the flame burning please. Hopefully I’ll be back – announcing new, more reasonable employment that allows me the freedom I deserve to communicate to you all. Until then, I bid you a sad ado.