So I know, I know - Ette1 and I have been MIA for the last couple of months. She was off getting hitched, and I was off getting knocked up. Yeah, that's right. Ette2 is pregnant. How does this benefit you, readerettes? Well it's giving me lots of material to work with, and I'm going to kvetch about it all to you, right here. Or at least try to. Baby brain makes me really forgetful, so it's also my excuse if I don't come through. Anyway, let's start this kvetch party, shall we? Situations in which "I'm pregnant" are a perfectly acceptable excuse:
- When your partner wants to have sex. It's sex that got you where you are now...and he wants more? Just let a fart loose and blame it on the baby. He'll leave you alone for a few days.
- Speaking of gas, any time you need to let loose, now it's perfectly acceptable to do so. After all, you're carrying a child - and your insides are out of your control. Enjoy this gassy freedom!
- When there is snow to be shoveled/leaves to be raked/yard work to be done/heavy items to be lifted.
- When you crave french fries dipped in ranch dressing and hot fudge - together.
- When there is a long line for a public restroom. Just grab your belly and do the leg-cross hop, and look really, really, shamed - as if you sort of just leaked a little. Women will feel sorry for you. Trust me.
- When people you don't really like at work keep trying to get you to join them for after-work cocktails. You can now answer, "yeah, no-can-do, unless you want my baby coming out with a cyclops head, looking like Courtney Love."
- When you're out at night and bored, and tired, and cranky, and not enjoying yourself. All you want to do is go home and put on your tempurpedic slippers and curl up in your snuggle. Well now, you have a great excuse. Get ye to the car, husband!
- When someone serves you something really nasty (like your friend who can't cook for shit). You can blame it on your pregnancy food aversions. "Sorry Jennifer, but Paco the Taco doesn't like tuna casserole with marshmallows."
- When H-ette is listening to a song you don't like...you can turn it down or change the station without repercussion -- just blame it on that awful headache you have.
- When you have a total Tourretts-like outburst and say something really mean or honest or both. This is the joy of pregnancy hormones. Use these 9-months to your advantage, and get all the crap you REALLY want to say off your chest!
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I will add one that has become apocryphal at the household. When Start Wars Return of the Jedi was released we went to the opening night (in Calgary) and of course the line ups were up to here (I motion above my head) Well, my very eight months preggers wifey went up to the 'ushers' and said that if they don't let us in now, she will give birth on the sidewalk (or something like that) so, they let us in and we chose the best seats in the house and waited in comfort. And 29 days later your cuz popped out with a light saber in one hand and chopsticks in the other. You don't have to think hard to figure what our fave food was then.
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