Let's just let PaulyD bring the humor today

It’s hard to be a JOOOOO at Christmas.

For the following reasons.

• Because, all the non-JOOOOs get to take this week off, which means, us JOOOOO’s who just last week were lighting the Hanukah candles have nothing to celebrate, so we have to be in the office and do all the work everyone else left undone.
  

• Because I can’t watch 5 minutes of my favorite TV shows (Jersey Shore) without seeing one of those annoying GAP group rap/dance commercials about buying flannel or socks.

• Because people keep inviting me to their place for holiday parties and dinners. I just got a wii, I seriously need time at home to bone up on my bowling technique.

• Because people keep sending junk food to the office and since I’m a chocolate-loving JOOOOO I can’t turn it down.

• Tourists

Bah Humbug.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Tips for successful wedding pics

1. Always get in the middle. Make sure to sandwich yourself between two other people, with your arms wrapped behind them. This is a helpful tool for hiding arm fat. If you have to have your arms down, make sure you are holding something with both hands – a bouquet is helpful, but hold it about 5 inches away from your midsection, that way you create a little tension in the arm – again helpful for arm fat. Don’t hold a glass of champagne (unless it’s during a toast), then you just look like a boozer.
2. Put the adorable 2-year-old to bed early. That way she won’t steal your thunder in all your pics.
3. Have a couple tubby bridesmaids. Don’t make the mistake that I did, all my maids and basically all my friends who attended were skinny bitches. You want a couple of big friends to pose with so you look really skinny in comparison.
4. Watch out for photographers who want you to do that dip/kiss combo a lot. It’s fun in theory, but then you get the whole neck flab issue as you are trying to keep yourself up while your groom is dipping you dangerously low after he’s had a couple drinks.
5. Also for neck flab, be sure to dip chin out and down just a bit when you are posing, you avoid a whole mess of unsightly neck flab that way.
6. Make sure your maids swab you down before pics in warm climates. You’d be surprised where you sweat when you’re in a 300 lb dress in the tropics – so part of their job is to take a hanky and dab you whenever and wherever you need.
7. Spanx
8. Overhead florescent lighting is bad – soft candle light is good.
9. Make sure to pull hair in front of shoulders, that way you cover up that little flap of fat between the side of your boobs and arms that gets all pushed up and magnified when you are wearing a strapless dress.
10. Don’t have someone make a life size cake replica of you out of cake.

To the crazy lady in the Mercedes SUV

Dear Crazy Lady,

When I was reversing out of my spot, I turned to look behind in all directions before going anywhere. Just because my reverse lights are on, and I inched out of my spot slightly to be able to see around the behemoth Escalades and Suburbans with tinted windows on either side of me, does NOT mean I was going to pull out into oncoming traffic (i.e. you, the only moving car in sight).

Was it really necessary to lay on your horn as if trying to warn a herd of deaf geese? Was it then necessary to do a slow, driveby as you stare relentlessly into my car, STILL laying on your horn no less, as you try to "prove your point?" Was it necessary to come to a COMPLETE STOP behind my car so you could stare into my soul a little longer just to get your point across? The only point you've proven is that you're a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. That's right, wackadoo lady. Get a grip. Not everyone is a bad driver. Not everyone is gonna bash into your ugly SUV and leave you to drive around in a denter. You need to chill out. Take a chill pill. REEEE-LAX.

Now maybe you're upset because you're one of Tiger's mistresses. For that I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry today. And every day for that matter.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Ette2

Don’t plan your wedding anywhere near the holidays

Just because my whole family flew to Puerto Rico and stayed for a week, bought proper wedding attire and got me extravagant engagement and wedding gifts, they all think they don’t have to go big on Hanukah this year. To that I say, that’s not want G-D wants. The JOOOO G-D wants us to remember the story of the Macabees and how they fought the Romans – don’t really remember why exactly, but he wants us to remember that. And he wants us to commemorate how the JOOOOOOOs had to learn Hebrew with dreidels, betting with gold coins. G-D wants you to give me gold. It’s a mitzah after all. You will feel better about yourself if you get me good gifts for Hanukah. To make it easier for you, I’ve developed a list.

• HD TV for bedroom (This isn’t something I want, it’s actually something I need, since our current tv just kicked it)
• Sneakers (This is for gym use, so it’s actually more of a health thing than gift)
• Designer purse (my Belenciaga that may or may not have been stolen or faked - since I got it from a sketchy web site - lost a grommet, so I need a replacement and since I obviously can’t take it to a Belenciaga store (since it might be hot or fake), I need a replacement)
• iMac

Thanks guys

Because what's the holiday season without some Aretha teasing?

I mean, seriously, Aretha, first the spaghetti straps, now this. We need to hold a fashion intervention, stat. What is that part your head is poking through? You kind of look like Kenny from South Park. I'm sure everyone at the Rockefeller tree lighting were just enamored by your wardrobe choices...it's nearly as festive as the tree. Honey, the dress ain't that special that you had to show it off (and still manage to keep your neck warm).

WTF?

So we know Kvetchette has had a little bit of dust on it, lately -- Ette1 was busy getting married off into the Miller clan, and I've just been...well, busy with life's have-tos and what-nots -- and we fully intend to get back on the horse and bring you the funny. We're just taking a breather, because honestly, none of you are loyal readers anyway, so if you don't care about us why should we care about you?


Well in my time away from the site I guess I hadn't noticed that our one lonely Google ad (that by the way, has netted us no money, so I don't even know why I am doing them any favors putting their name on my blog, we all know Google ain't putting my name on THEIR blog, so...), anyway, our one lonely Google ad featured this brilliant product, above.

Thai Brides? Seriously, Googles? This is the best you can provide me with? Have you wasted ALL the good thumbnail ads on more important people? All the Snuggie ads? I'll even take an old Girls Gone Wild promo! But seriously, Thai Brides?? What about Kvetchette says to Googles computer generated ad-placement, mail order brides from friggin Thailand?

Fail.

Parenting 101

Seriously Katie? Is there a reason why your 3-year-old should be wearing high heels? This picture is ridiculous. This shit has got to stop. I'm sick of celebs who complain about paparazzi dressing their kids up for photo ops. I'm talking to you Gwen Stefani and your kid's bleach blonde hair, and to you too Angelina with your kid's mohawks. Are they so unappealing that you need to adorn them with jewelry and edgy hairstyles to make them interesting to others? Guess what, they are rich - they will find friends just fine. Good parents let their kids be ugly and awkward and wait until they are at least 15 before paying for their plastic surgery. Right Mom?!