The Man, the Kvetch and His Wardrobe

When did men become such fussy musses about their wardrobe? Please explain to me when metrosexuals started truly running the show because I think I missed that episode of Queer Eye. Men are worse than women these days with their label-whoring ways and their whining about not having sufficient wardrobe staples. If I (a seasoned debutante with my own clothes styling experience) took a peek inside your closets, men, I am guessing I could put more outfits together with your clothes than I can put together with the items in my own bulging boudoir. You kvetch and kvetch and you keep spending money at the Bloomingdales and Lord and Taylor's and Century 21's and Theory's of the world; so much money that Mastercard calls you and thanks you now every time you make a purchase. Because you are single-handedly keeping them afloat with your spending prowess.

And don't even get me started on men's sample sales. Ya'll are worse than women when it comes to deep discounts. God forbid you miss a sample sale of a designer you like, you would think someone just robbed the contents of your Jack Spade bag.

No, I will not go shopping with you, man-o-war. Because I know who gets the short end of the stick on those shopping trips. Yes, it's Ette2 who has to stand (because men's stores don't ever offer the same convenient amenities like seating that women's stores offer for accompanying partners) while you try on pants that you brought into the dressing room even though I told you they wouldn't fit you, and then you hand them out the curtain and make me go scavenge through the piles to find you the right size which I would have done to begin with had you just listened to me. And then I have to listen to you pretend to complain and act sticker shocked when you notice that the "only shirt that fits you" happens to be $265. Hmmmm. Suspect.

Why is it that you consider a $900 handbag, of which will be used daily for at least the next 6 months while breaking it in a waste of money, but you don't seem to think $265 on a dress shirt for work,of which you will wear all of 5 times before you make icky sweat stains under the arms and grossly discolor the collar is a silly investment?

I would like all our man-ettes to think about this over the weekend and provide explanations on Monday to this erratic behavior. Or else you will be seeing a lot of Hermes bags around the house come holiday season, and trust me; they won't contain men's dress shirts.

How hot is BAG?

Haven't seen him around much but looks like the Bev Hills sunshine is doing him good. Love all the tattoos, still figuring out what my tat should be.

The festival of fried foods

OK, this posting isn't funny but thought it would be informative...

You may not know it with all the Christmas trees and lights around and the annoying Christmas songs on the radio all the time, but Hanukkah begins next week. Also known as Chanukah, Hannukah or Hanukah. The Jewish holiday marks the re-dedication of the Temple in Jerusalem, and the miracle of the oil. The Maccabees (also known as tough-ass jews), led by Judah the Hammer, organized a revolt against the evil Romans (non-jews) who outlawed the practice of Judaism. And because they were so bad-ass they won. (Jews seems to have changed a bit since 200BCE, cause bad-ass isn’t maybe how I’d describe Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, but still). So after the victory they went down to the Temple to re-light the eternal flame except there was only enough consecrated oil to fuel the flame in the Temple for one day. Miraculously, the oil burned for eight days, which was the length of time it took to press, prepare and consecrate fresh olive oil. A miracle – if I ever heard one. So now we celebrate by lighting the menorah, eating fried foods and giving gifts. What could be better?

Hanukkah officially begins on the 4th
I’ll be enjoying my jelly donuts and unwrapping all of the excellent gifts I'll be receiving. Thanks in advance flan for the second large screen LCD for the bathroom that we've been discussing.

I can't believe how many naked women I saw

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm always shocked to see all the nakedness in the women's locker room. I was like a teenage boy tonight, I kept sneaking glances, I couldn't help it - it was all over the place - boobs, butt and even vj. And since we know I don't regular they gym, I wasn't used to it, it was a shock to the system. Here are the surprising things I learned:

• Even really skinny girls have stretch marks on their butts
• The women at NYSC in midtown made some unfortunate tattoo decisions
• Waxing is out
• Those sweat towels they hand out don't cover much
• Women don't wear panties under their tights
• Turns out I'm a total perv

Flu You

I got a flu shot this year for the first time. Not because I wanted one but because my sister told me I have to since I’m around the baby a lot. So my arm still hurts, and coupled with the bowling tourney this weekend (which I rocked) and my carpal tunnel acting up, I can barely even type this post though the pain. I’ll soldier on I suppose. The thing is I’ve never had the flu, and I don’t really know anyone who has had it either. I know people who’ve said "I’m feeling like I’m coming down with the flu," or described their symptoms as fluey, and I’ve probably called out of work once or twice claiming flu, but the truth is I never had it and I’m not even sure what it is. I’ve had a bad cold here and there maybe – is that the same thing? But now having had the damn shot, I’m starting to feel a little achy and tired, and I think the flu is coming on. They say that can happen, you get a little bout of it when they give you the shot. So my conclusions are: 1. the flu doesn’t even really exist, it’s some myth that the pharm companies created to sell vaccines, 2. people with carpal tunnel shouldn’t bowl – even if they are wicked awesome at it, 3. I think I need to take the day off because I’m feeling fluey.

Pet PEEve PSA

Today I plead with our sovereign nation over a very serious concern facing the public. It poses health consequences in addition to, to be perfectly blunt, being just plain 'ole foul.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, kvetchees and kvetchettes alike...please I beg of you. Please wash your hands after using the restroom. I would even accept a fake run-your-hands-under-the-faucet-with-no-soap attempt; but those foul individuals out there (and you know who you are my little bacteria mongers) who actually commit the heinous act of using the loo and then, IN THE COMPANY OF OTHERS, swings open that stall door and saunters out of the restroom without so much as a GLANCE at the sink facilities...well you stand in a class all your own. If you can commit this act in front of others, imagine what you choose to do (or neglect to do) in the privacy of your own home?? Shame on you, bacteria transporter.

A WebMD study found that only 77% of men and women "discreetly observed" in public restrooms washed their hands. That remaining 23% live and breath among us in our everyday interaction. EW.

I have always been a fan of the websites that dedicate themselves to "telling" on people; such as the one that provides a forum to rant about annoying neighbors with address locations provided, or the one that lets you hit on people you haven't officially met but had a "brief encounter" with on the train. I am proposing a new site for the Internets --one on which you can tattle on your co-workers, bar or restaurant co-patrons, mall shoppers, etc...and include either a photo of said-culprit taken with your handy camera phone, or a description graphic enough to peg even the most mundane-looking of offenders. If this site took off, then boyfriends, husbands, wives, sisters, friends, coworkers around the globe could finally bear witness to the stinky hands they've been holding/shaking/kissing and put an end to this traveling of germs once and for all.

Why Can't The Times Get Their Own Material?

Ette2 reported on the problem of giant umbrellas several weeks ago, and today the NYTimes has it's own story - a little suspicious I think. And a little late, it hasn't rained in days... get with it Times and get your own freaking material.

The Collapsible Colossus UN-FAIRWAY Golf umbrellas add to Midtown sidewalk traffic.


By MICAH COHEN
Published: November 29, 2007

Caution

edible underwear may stain.

Expense Account

Why oh why must fashion dictate my happiness? As we speak, Net-A-Porter is having their Designer Sale Spectacular.

What does this mean exactly? Only that the $2,000 Bottega Veneta bag is now $1,200. Yippee.

What's a girl to do? I unfortunately have a penchant for nice handbags. And unfortunately I am not satiated by cheapos or imitations. Only the finest, softest, butteriest leather will do; with hardware and handles that would make a cow blush. And now that I am stuck with the reality of what my wedding and honeymoon really cost, I can't afford a hot dog let alone a handbag. So for any of you who are wondering what to get either of the Ette's for Hanukkah (which for all you goyim is right around the corner), anything from the Handbag section will do just fine. We aren't that picky, really.

www.net-a-porter.com

Now hop to it before they're all gone.

You Dirty Bird

As if we aren't all tired enough of the Britney Debacles, a new story has surfaced that Miss Mess-ny has sunk to new all-time lows; and paraded through the ultimate "Do Not Cross" line as far as women everywhere are concerned. While shopping at the Hustler store in West Hollywood (yes, as if that's not bad enough), she threw a fit when told she couldn't try on panties, and certainly couldn't try things on without her own underwear on. In predictable time-bomb Brit-fashion, she proceeded to strip down to her bare bush in the middle of the store, threw on a pair of Hustler's skivvies, and threw a tantrum when the staff, horrified, told her she couldn't do that in the middle of their store. And then she stole a wig on her way out.

Does this story even need a kvetch?! Will someone please put her out of her misery already?! I am definitely adding her to my celebrity death pool, and transferring all my funds directly into hedging that bet.

Word of the Day

Dictionary.com sent their word of the day email. I think we had something to do with it. Thanks for the HEADs up ME.

Word of the Day for Tuesday, November 27, 2007
kvetch \KVECH\, adjective:
1. To complain habitually.
2. A complaint.
3. A habitual complainer.
People kvetched when someone else wouldn't relinquish his position.
-- Barry Lopez, "Before the Temple of Fire.", Harper's Magazine, January 1998 <http://www.harpers.org/>
They begin to look like malcontents who kvetch about the weather so much that they don't notice the sun coming out.
-- David Shenk, "Slamming Gates", The New Republic, January 26,
1998
<http://www.thenewrepublic.com/>
Time for my biennial kvetch about the West End theatre.
-- Simon Hoggart, "Hose bans, petrol mania: saying 'don't panic'
always triggers chaos", The Guardian, November 4, 2000 <http://www.guardian.co.uk/guardian>
He's just a very up person, she says, which is odd, because he is also a big complainer, a class-A kvetch.
-- Penny Wolfson, "Moonrise", The Atlantic, December 2001 <http://www.theatlantic.com/>
He had difficulty getting American publishers for his later novels, partly because of his self-created image by then as a crusty old kvetch.
-- Geoffrey Wheatcroft, "What Kingsley Can Teach Martin", The Atlantic, September 2000 <http://www.theatlantic.com/>

Republican Hoopla

Tomorrow night marks one of our favorite comedic events, the Republican National Debate. In getting "hip" with the times, YouTube has stepped in to offer the "every-man, woman, dog, convict, etc..." an opportunity to submit questions to the candidates via the YouTube website; CNN will then choose questions from the pool to include in the televised debate.

We at Kvetchette have a few very serious questions of our own for the Commies, er, I mean Republican candidates:

1. Let's just say for a moment that Starbuck's is a Democratic coffee, and Dunkin Donuts is a Republican coffee; if you are elected would you put an end to the Starbuck's java monopoly in my city? Or at the very least would you enforce a coffee-cup-drip law that would force Starbucks to fix their drippy cups?


2. If elected will you support the passing of the Britney Spears Law which would force idiot mothers/drivers/celebrities/hair-extension-wearers to be banished to small Central Pacific islands for a period no less than 10 years?
   
3. This question would be specifically for "Rude" Giuliani: If chosen as the Republican nominee, do you promise to continue to exercise your Trannie rights by dressing in drag for all White House functions? (Re-using costumes is acceptable, however makeup and wig should be altered each event.
4. If elected, will you vote for the official changing of the term Internet to Internets?

Please feel free to add your own questions for tomorrow night's debate to the comments section. We have an in with Anderson "the poop" Cooper and promise to get all questions to him prior to debate start so our issues will take priority.

First Class Ticket to Nowhere

I promise to limit the travel-related gripes, but there is one in particular I need to get off my chest. First-class flying. Now don't get me wrong; this is usually not a gripe in my book. Sistah Ette has been fortunate enough to forgo zoo-class in favor of a cushy numero uno class ticket on many occasions thanks to her Elite-ness on one particular airline and her occupational luck on others. British Airways? Now those tarts know how to do it up major. Virgin Airlines? Yes, thank you, I would LOVE another appletini and a feather-pillow. Continental? I particularly liked my amuse buche of crabmeat and caviar salad. But Northwest? Not. So. Much.

The honna and I had the good fortune of traveling first class on our honnamoon. En route to Honolulu Continental graciously filled our wine glasses to the brim over and over again. More of anything? More of everything!

And then something terrible happened. Continental partnered with Northwest.

On our return, our Continental red-eye flight was "operated" by Northwest. We were flying first class; what difference would it make, we thought? We'd be in comfy reclining seats with footrests and movies galore, and we'd get some peaceful slumber to boot before arriving in LA bright and early for our long drive up the coast. More anything, right?

Not so much. Instead we were greeted by the oldest plane still flying the friendly skies. This plane was so old it needed orthopedics on it's wheels. This plane was so antiquated its bathrooms had chain-flushers hanging down from the ceiling. This plane was so awful that its first-class seats came with afghans; not airline blankets.

No foot rests. No recline. No individual movie screens. Not even the old school phones on the back of the seats. Not like anyone ever uses those things anyway, but they're sort of comforting to have; you never know when you might need to make an emergency phone call. And to top it all off, the headrests didn't even fold in to give your noggin a little side-to-side resting nook. There was no menu, no amuse buche, not even an option between two choices of dinner. No, there was only a deli meat plate. Yes, you heard me correctly; first class and they plopped down a small plate of stinky deli meat.

Now honna and I didn't actually pay money for these tickets; we cashed in some hard-flown miles to upgrade for these extravagances. And the round trip first class flying emptied our accounts! However, there were members of our first-class brigade who had actually PAID good money for these seats, and on a red-eye flight, no less! On a flight when an upgrade should at least guarantee a better night's sleep. Not a wink was slept, not even a mouse.

I want my miles back. In fact, I want extra miles back. I would have certainly sat back in zoo class with the common-folk if I had known that I would be served yellowed salami and wouldn't be given a head nook.

What is the moral of my rant, you ask? When flying, ask about the kind of plane you will be transported on. And make sure they have those phones so if they try to serve you junk you can call someone and kvetch about it.

Ette2 in the house

Well well, ya'll, I have to say, three weeks certainly goes by in a flash. I know you have missed me my little cupcakes, and I have missed YOU! Life just isn't as meaningful when you don't have loyal blog readers to share it with, so now that I am back I promise to share with you even more than ever before, and cut Ette1 a little pre-holiday slack as she has gone above and beyond the call of kvetch-duty.

So I know you are all just dying to know how the honnamoon was. The Honna and I spent two weeks gallivanting around Hawaii, and then a finale week cruising up the PCH with our final goal being Sonoma for some final R&R and let's just say a LOT of vino. My #1 kvetch about the trip? Vacationing is not cheap. Now that we are back to reality, there will be no more $200 dinners for a while, no more massages and fun sporty rental cars. There will be no more impulse purchases with the excuse that 'it will remind us of that cute town we visited on our honeymoon...' and no more $14 drinks in hotel bars. There will be no more bathing suits for a long time, certainly no more sundresses, and (sigh) no more eating 5 meals a day just because we can.

So what did honna and I do on our journeys? Well I'll give you a bulleted highlight to give you an idea of how we spent our time when we weren't canoodling with each other under the sheets:

• We snorkeled with a sea turtle.


• We drove to Hana, Maui--really we just did this because it's called Hana and well, we are the Honna's, but it ended up being one of the best days of our trip. A drive through a Hawaiian rain forest, the best banana bread on earth, a secret red sand beach and the windy, scary roads in our little Miata convertible was worth every second.


• Honna hit his first hole in one on one of the most beautiful courses in the country, at the Four Seasons Lodge at Koele on the island of Lana'i!!! They are sending him a trophy, and his name will be immortalized on the Clubhouse wall. How's that for luck!


• We slept in a yurt in Big Sur, and some crazy Santa Ana winds almost lifted our yurt into the Pacific, where Ette2 would have never been heard from again.


• We ate Thanksgiving dinner at a Michelin-rated restaurant in Sonoma. Let's just say next year's turkey is gonna have a lot to live up to.

And as my tan literally fades as I type, I remind all our readers that life is too short. Go spend money, lie on a beach, eat a fancy dinner, and just worry about how you'll pay for it all later. Trust me, it's good for the soul.

So stuffed

Hope everyone is recovering from a long weekend of over-eating madness. I have a lot of makeup work to do at the gym and the office so will be a busy week, but we'll get back to posting shortly. Stay tuned.

Ew

Happy Thanksgiving

Enjoy all the food.

Oprah is slipping...

The big O announced her favorite things list today to an audience full of crazed, free-stuff lovinMaconettes. But seems like she's slipping these days. Cleaning supplies, cupcakes and Josh Groban's Christmas CD - isn't he Jewish? These are not her best choices. And what's with Op and lounge wear lately, those are the ugliest outfits I've ever seen. Hi Newport News catalog. And now that OW says it's ok to wear, every lazy ass woman is going to be running her errands in these tents. We'll need a What Not to Wear episode for every housewife in the country. If you are interested, the full list is detailed below.

• Samsung Progressive HD Camcorder SC-HMX10C
• Approximate value: $799.99
• UGG® Australia Classic Crochet Tall Boot
• Approximate value: $120
• TOYWATCH Crystal and Colored Crystal Watch
• Approximate value: $150-$1500
• Perfect Endings Cupcakes from Williams-Sonoma
• Approximate value: $59 (Set of 9)
• Melamine Bowls, Measuring Cups and Spoons from Williams-Sonoma
• Approximate value: Bowls $32 (Set of 3); Measuring
• Cups and Spoons $18 Set (Cups $14, Spoons $8)

• The Artisan® Stand Mixer from KitchenAid Home Appliances
• Approximate value: $349.99
• The Discovery Channel's Planet Earth DVD Set
• Approximate value: $59.95
• Kai Body Butter and Body Buffer
• Approximate value: Body Butter $55; Body Buffer $28
• CLARISONIC Skin Care System
• Approximate value: $195/system
• Claus Porto Soaps from Lafco New York
• Approximate value: $42 (Set of 3)
• The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
• Approximate value: $24.95
• Breville Ikon Panini Press from Williams-Sonoma
• Approximate value: $99.95
• HDTV Refrigerator with Weather and Info Center from LG Electronics Model LSC27991
• Approximate value: $3,799
• Ciao Bella Blood Orange Sorbetto
• Approximate value: $4.99/pint at select grocery stores
• Rachel Pally Swing Turtleneck and Sailor Pants
• Approximate value: Swing Turtleneck $141;
• Sailor Pants $194
• Scrabble Premier Edition from Hasbro
• Approximate value: $70
• United Artists 90th Anniversary Prestige Collection
• Approximate value: $869.98
• Shaklee Get CleanTM Starter Kit
• Approximate value: $89.60
• O’s Guide to Life
• Approximate value: $29.95
• Josh Groban's Noel CD

Long Weekend To Dos

We’re looking at a 4-day weekend ahead and that means lots of time to catch up on all the things you’ve been meaning to accomplish but have put off. Here’s my list:

-Take dog to vet for long overdue rabies shot
-Laundry (in case of failure to complete – purchase new underwear)
-Buy holiday gifts for family that has everything (I’m feeling gift certificates)
-Gym (in case of failure to complete – avoid second helping of pumpkin pie, just double up on Reddi Whip)
-Read book for book club (in case of failure to complete – watch the Oprah episode where they reviewed it)
-Get tattoo I’ve been talking about
-Clean apt (it’s small shouldn't take too long)
-Send Ette 2 her wedding gift
-In case of failure to complete all of the above, save list and re purpose as New Year’s resolutions

Hawaii 5.0

Well it's been two weeks since my honna and I touched down in Hawaii, and tonight we must bid adieu as we fly the friendly skies back to California for the finale of our honnamoon, the drive up the PCH.



What have I learned here in Hawaii? I have learned that:

• Luau's are a very, very bad idea. Overindulging in 16 courses of Hawaiian and Polynesian cousine (which if you haven't experienced basically is meat, lots of sauce, more meat, and pineapple thrown in for good measure) is the quickest way to gain back that pre-wedding weight. And not in a good way.
• Mai tai's are a very bad idea as well, and don't taste nearly as delish coming up as they were going down.
• Edible Underwear is probably the worst invention of all time. And why they didn't choose to flavor CLEAR underwear I'll never know...Ette1, you are definitely in trouble for this offense.
• Honna and I definitely are way hotter tan.
• We got to visit Hawaii and Japan at the same time and didn't even have to leave our hotel. Who knew this was the Carribean of the Far East??
• When Ette2 is away, Ette1 does not spellcheck.

Well, we're off for our red eye. Lots of love, and we'll post again when we are drunk on wine at a vineyard.

Jelly delicousness

The one thing that I sort of look forward to on the Thanksgiving dinner table is the cranberry sauce. Not the fresh, just sauteed actual cranberries with sugar kind, I go for the slimy, flops-on-the-plate-in-one-long-cylinder, not-really-made-with-cranberries kind. And this year for the first time the fam is doing Thanksgiving at a restaurant. I know there are so many things wrong with that - like you have to wear an actual outfit instead of sweat pants, or you can't keep the TV on in the background to watch the game, but the worst is that they probably won't have delicious canned cranberry sauce. I'll attend this dinner, but for the record, I will not give thanks.

Happy Anniversary Toilets

In addition to being EK and DB's anniversary, it's
World Toilet Day. Seriously - I couldn't make this shit up. Something
about people not having proper sanitation. Lord knows I appreciate the
toilet. So everyone, do something special for your toilet today. Make
it feel loved, and not just used. Maybe get one of those tablets that
turns the water a bright blue color - that would be a nice touch.

www.worldtoilet.org

Happy Anniversary

Keep riding EK and DB

Plastic Surgery Face

Plastic surgery is a good thing. I'm glad we have the option to tweak a nose here or lift a boob there, but some people take it too far. Namely everyone shopping in Bloomingdales today. It's bizarre to walk around and see these women who are basically decrpid with their big plumped lips and tits that stand straight up. They have long blonde extensions in their hair, but they always look like they've been in far too long. They weight 15 pounds and are wearing 5 inch stilletos. Their eyes are little slits because they've been pulled so tight and their noses could act as envelope openers they are so sharp. They are always shopping in the Juicy section and they are usually with some way younger, hotter version of themselves. We all get the desire to remain young and look your best, but these women are like those aliens everyone describes seeing with the big round smooth face and wide lips - just with a Dolly Parton wig on. I was so startled by one of these women as she sifted through the new stock of seven jeans that I almost dropped my 40 carrots yogurt on her tory burch flats. EW, ladies, let's please try to age gracefully.

Cab number 4M19

I was so excited when they decided to put credit card machines in the cabs - I never carry cash with me, and using my debit card would be the ultimate convenience. So now that many cabs are equipped with the technology I'm so freaking frustrated that none of them will let me use it. I think the main issue is they don't get paid right away with credit cards - they have to wait a week for the money to clear and come in to them, so they prefer cash. So they NEVER let me use it. They always make some excuse that it's not working, but the f'ing tv is blaring in there and it's counting up my fair - I know that shit works and they are just lying. But what can you do? I actually yelled at a cab driver yesterday about it and then ended up having to go to an ATM to pay him anyway - he shut it off before I could swipe my card. So I'm totally reporting him. I'm calling 311. And look out for this Cab # 4m19 - his name is Mbema Barry. Mbeba you don't know what you've got coming to you. I feel for the taxi drivers, they don't make a lot and work hard hours and stuff, but I swear I will triple the tip - just save me the hassle and let me use the credit card - please!

OMG 1000 visitors

I can't believe what I just saw, but looks like we hit 1,001 visitors since launch and this is our 101st post!

I'm giving myself $1,001 Schrut Bucks in congratulations.

Firstly I can't believe the six of you who actually read this thing keep coming back for more. And honestly I can't believe that we haven't bored of writing it yet. It does sort of say something sad about our lives that we're so lacking in social activity that we have time to update this thing all the time. We'll really just me, since 2 is away honeymooning and not updating. Oh well none-the-less, thank you for reading and commenting. Please keep coming back, you make our little site and my life worthwhile. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

The tree is up in Rock Center - that's right, it's November 15th and the tree is up. The official lighting ceremony is still about two weeks away, but it's the annual sign that Christmas is going to throw up all over the city again and make you pray for the spring. I know I'm a grinch, but Hanukkah starts December 4th this year, nice and early, can't we plan to enjoy that for a minute before they shove Christmas down our throats? Do you think if a jew becomes president they'll erect a 100' tall menorah? Or would that make New York City an even bigger terrorist target... OK, I'll just put a giant dreidel on my desk to prove a point - to no one in particular, but my dad would be proud.

This is the sexiest man alive?

I just don't think so. He looks like a man elf with bad skin. Why did
People choose this issue to stop air brushing? Or maybe it is air brushed and this is the best they could get.

My vote goes to Mark Ruffalo

When are you too old for video games?

With the holidays approaching people start to get in the gift-getting mode. They think of all the things they'd like to have and start dropping not so subtle hints to loved ones. But with boys, why is it always gaming systems? Last year my boyfriend was begging for a PSP, this year my little brother wants a PS3 - P.S. guys this shit is stupid. You have had basically every gaming system in creation. Remember atari - you had then, then there were all kinds of computer games we had to buy, then came nintendo - you had that and like a million games for it, then you needed the nintendo hand held and all the games for that, then you upgraded to play station with games on cds, then came the Wii - you didn't get that but your roommate did, so at least you got to play with it. When exactly does it stop? Why is it that you won't be happy unless the computer game is actually simulating a person being blown apart in full color 3D virtual reality crazyness? Do you know how many pairs of Louboutins you could have had for the money that went to all those gaming systems and accessories! I sort of understand the draw for children and I enjoy a fierce guitar hero set as much as the next guy, but now that you are all knocking on 30's door - what is the need for games all about? I'm tired of all the freaking wires attached to the TV. This year I'm getting you a shesh besh board and a roll of quarters for the arcade, knock yourself out.

Lars

Thought as a service to our readers, I'd provide recos on interesting films, tv shows, books, etc...


Had a date with my sister and brother in law this weekend (so pathetic I know, but they paid and bought me popcorn and raisonettes, so can't complain) and we saw Lars and the Real Girl. We all enjoyed, highly recommend. Sweet, slightly sad story of a young man and how he and his family deals with his delusions. Anyway it was well done. What was not well done was the hyena who sat behind me laughing hysterically at every minor silly moment. You know how something can be sort of funny in an ironic way, and you sort of smile and give a little sigh - that was the right reaction to basically every thing in the movie. This woman was basically falling out of her seat laughing in this booming horrendous man laugh. Sort of ruined it for me. But as long as you don't see it with her, you should be fine.

Bad mom

I feel like such a bad mom, I completely forgot about the blog today. How could I forget about my baby?! OK, I'm going to think of something to complain about to post. But today might be tough cause it's been a banner day - got a big time raise! woohoo. Maybe it was a mistake to post that because family reads this and is now going to expect impressive hannukah gifts. OK, I'll be generous - hmm, and maybe I'll do a little shoe shopping for myself. My loubutins are lonely for their brothers...

Keep em coming

How proud are we all that 2 has taken time out of her honeymoon to contribute to the site?! (I mean she has to have a spare moment here and there, how many spa treatments can you fit into in a day? And even honeymooners tap out of bedroom activity eventually - it can get exhausting - although how would I know.) Good work 2, but that doesn't mean the rest of you are off the hook. Keeping typing away, I want submissions!

Honnamooning Happiness

Reasons why honeymoons are the coolest thing ever:

1. You wake up each morning and the most pressing matter of your day is that you need to pick up more sunscreen.


2. Your day revolves around three very important things: breakfast, lunch and dinner.


3. You don't have to make your bed in the morning.


4. You can throw your used towels on the floor and like magic, there are fresh ones hanging when you return.


5. You don't have to have the slightest pang of guilt booking two or even three back-to-back spa treatments. In fact, you get to actually rub this in your friend's faces via email and blog writing.


6. Men seem to like you even more when you have a ring on your finger (the negative of this one is that women seem to like men even more when they have a ring on their finger...so MILF-y lady in room 312, you better stop checking out my HUSBAND)


7. All you have to do is use the phrase "We're on our honeymoon" and it's code for "Let's give you free things!!" Champagne? Why not!! Upgrade your room? OF COURSE! Chocolate covered strawberries/pineapples/bananas? Bon Appetit! (Somebody explain to me why I haven't used this "honeymoon" line before??)


8. Spending money on extravagant things/activities/dinners which used to riddle you with guilt (especially when what you just spent on that dinner equals your monthly mortgage back in the real world) now is guilt you don't have to take FULL responsibility for; you can share it with your new spouse. And technically, THEY can pay for that ridiculously overpriced straw bag that you just HAD to have for beach essentials.


9. You get to test drive the new introduction, "this is my husband/wife..." which seems to still illicit a juvenile giggle out of Ette2.


10. And last but certainly not least, you can eat whatever you want, and it doesn't matter if you gain weight because you don't have anyone to impress anymore now that you are a WIFF(Just kidding, honna...I promise to lose the ten pounds I gained in the last 48 hours)

SHOPPING

I'm very excited to present to you our first guest-ette posting - and from a male perspective. Note the anger and hostility that is in stark contrast to generally light and fluffy tone of the female post. We're hoping this helps us attract a whole new readership of opposite sex. Enjoy guys - this is from Brette1.


Shopping is fun, right ladies? You get to go out, spend time with friends, buy stuff you want/need, come home with a new sweater dress or two. Shopping has it all...unless you're the unfortunate testicle laden sucker (henceforth referred to as "younger brother") getting duped into "joining the fun". How do you get duped, you ask? Well I needn't tell you how crafty the (un)fairer sex is, but here are a few of their craftier craftations:

1) You foolishly believe that when they say "Hey younger brother, let's go shopping, I'll buy you stuff" that you'll actually get rewarded for you accompaniment. Unfortunately, I didn't really find anything I wanted at Banana Republic for Women.

2) You foolishly believe that when they say "Hey younger brother, let's go get something to eat" that you'll actually be going to some place that sells food, or at least delicious candy...not realizing that the only treat these pigs want to ingest are the newest fashions at some clothes store (a store that incidentally has an entire SECTION dedicated to bureau knobs!!! WHO NEEDS THAT MANY BUREAU KNOBS!!!)

3) You foolishly believe that when they say "Hey younger brother, our mutual father just got into a horrible accident and is trapped in his car in an embankment on the side of the highway!" that you'll be rushing to your dad's aide...instead of rushing to the nearest department store. She claimed she said "Bloomingdale's" all along, but who takes the "Jaws of Life" with her to shop at Bloomingdale's, huh?!

Fortunately for me I've learned their demon trickery, albeit the hard way. I just hope my fellow younger brothers, boyfriends, husbands, and baby daddies can learn from this, my most pressing Kvetch. I have to go now, ette1 is taking me to some war memorabilia store called "Old Navy"...I guess there's hope for her after all.

Friends are awesome

It's not true that tv is better than friends, my wonderful friends have
agreed to lend me a hand this week and create some posts for the blog.
Now listen, I know you're nervous and it's not in your nature to be snarky. But I know if you reach deep down inside of you, you'll be able to
think of a couple things that really irk you, or a few people who are
annoying. There are so many of them out there. And don't be scared,
basically no one reads this thing so no one will know you wrote about
them. And EK you are funny, I was cracking up when I saw the outfit you
had on last night - see how easy it is to be mean. OK guys, get to
typing.

TV is better than friends

Friday fortune

I take it back

In a previous post I was perhaps a bit dismissive about the writers strike - but now they are hitting me where it hurts. Both "The Office" and "Family Guy" only have a couple more episodes to air before they start showing reruns. Apparently Steve Carell won't cross picket lines. There are very few shows I look forward to each week, but these two are among them. No new Leno - that's fine with me but take away Stewie and my week isn't as fulfilling. So I've officially reversed my stance. Give the writers whatever they want. And if the worst happens and there's no new contract for weeks, at least I still have "The Hills."

Veteran's Day

Sunday is Veteran's Day, traditionally observed via a day off on the next Monday, but sadly I do not have the day off.

Veteran's Day is the American holiday honoring our military vets. (Not veterinarians). It's a day to thank our vets for their service and acknowledge their contributions to our national security. I frankly don't understand how anyone would sign themselves up willingly, knowing they are risking their lives, but obviously we're very lucky that people do.

I feel it's my civic duty to have the day off from work so that I can formally acknowledge this important day for our nation. I've created a list of activities I'd commit to completing if I did have the day off. I'll be sending this to HR shortly, let me know if you have anything to add:

- Make out with a guy currently in the military (since most military guys are off to war, I'll substitute pretty much anyone wearing a uniform)
- Shoot something (rifle range would be ideal, if I can't get out to one then I'll shoot pictures with my new digital camera I guess)
- Won't ask, won't tell
- Drive over the Veteran's Memorial Bridge (on my way to visit my friends who live in Boston)
- Make a patriotic pin wheel from paper, a pencil and a pushpin
- Figure out rank order of the following positions within the military: officer, lieutenant, colonel, general, major, admiral
- Figure out how to spell lieutenant

Thanks Veterans
Ok, and veterinarians too

I'm just one person

I'm feeling the crunch - too much responsibility to have to post on my own without Ette 2 here. Where are all those readers who said they had fun ideas to write about, or you others who secretly think you are way funnier than me? You all know who I'm talking about. Let's get going and get your submissions in!

UnCommon evening

When mom got home...

Not the same scene with auntie.

Why are you crying?

Why is it that we can fly people into outer space and back, create crafts that can walk on water, invent the iphone - but no one can tell us why our babies are crying.

I have a 4-month-old niece who is perfect in every way. Sweet, smiley, adorable, playful but every now and then she turns into a little demon of anger and misery and those of us around her are launched into a virtual pit of despair trying to sooth her. Case in point... Sun afternoon, baby is fed, freshly awaken from nap, clean diaper, snuggled in a cute outfit and enjoying several renditions of "this little piggy" when all of the sudden, she starts to wail, throws her head back so her little body is rigid as a board making her impossible to hold and she screams bloody murder for 45 minutes. What is auntie to do in this situation? So she calls mom-mom who suggests burping her, must be gas. After nearly breaking her little back with burp inducing pats, and getting a few good belches, but not calming the child, I break down and call the mom. Probably gas she says, try burping her. Eventually kid cries herself out and falls into this pathetic still-crying sort of sleep where she's whimpering and little tiny tear drops still fall. OK, at least she's sleeping I thought. Then the phone rings like 10 thousand times, and awakes baby again to a new round of 45 minute misery. This pattern continues till about 10 minutes before mom and dad walk in the door to cuddle their little angle.

Fine maybe it was a fluke, I thought. Then last night mom and aunt are enjoying naked time with baby as she coos on her changing table (baby is naked, mom and aunt are fully clothed). All of the sudden, mom goes to sit down, leaving aunt and baby alone and baby lets out a major fart and is thrown instantly into hysterics again. Despite all my valiant efforts baby is not happy again until mom bounces her. I'm starting to take it personally.

Message to baby: Get your act together. Start acting right. I don't appreciate the negativity in my life. I bought you like 4 gifts last week alone.

So point of the story is, I'm sure it's not something I'm doing wrong, but rather this kid is sort of nuts. And it would be nice if all the scientists out there would put their heads together and help us figure out why babies cry all the time and how to freaking get them to stop. Money is no object... if these parents can afford 4 strollers, they can pay whatever it takes to figure out the crying situation.

Is she just fat?

JLO hasn't officially announced that she's expecting yet, and I think we are all jumping the gun a bit about what that bump could be. Here are some other suggestions...

-Too much aroz con pollo at Madres
-Ass is so big it's begun to expand through the front
-She's storing extra fat in case Marc Anthony needs a transfusion cause he's so tiny
-She's wearing a fanny pack under her clothes to keep all the "rocks that she got" safe
-She put on depression weight since she realized she never made a good movie since -Selina, or ever for that matter
-Dayanara Torres put a bloating hex on her as revenge

Appropriate footwear

Does it bother anyone else to see girls wearing flip flops in the rain? I'm not talking about during a sudden summer shower, more like a day like today, when you wake up can see it's wet and cold outside and you still slip on the flops. It bothers me to no end. And it's not just flip flops, it's canvas sneakers, or crocs, or open toed pumps. With the plethora of fun and unique rain boot designs, why would you splash through rainy streets and get your feet all dirty and wet and cold? I want summer to last just as much as the rest of you, but we have to face facts that it's almost mid-November, and it's cold and we need to put away the flops and start wearing more sensible shoes. Think of your safety ladies.

Knock knock, who's there...

No one because TV writers are on strike, so they can't offer you funny jokes today. Which means Letterman and Leno can't either.


When I think of laborers who are working under unethical and abusive conditions with poor pay and benefits, I think of... Entertainment writers. Right, those unfortunate few who toil day and night popping NoDoze at typewriters to recycle tired jokes about Britney Spears and her unfortunate lack of undergarments. Those are the guys I'm really feeling bad for today. The big sticking point in strike negotiations - the writers guild wants to double their residual pay for DVD sales. Someone hand me a picket sign!

What I don't understand is why these entertainment shows can't still go on. You're telling me Letterman - who is a comic - can't come up with 4 minutes of monologue before he has to sit down and chat with a celebrity about his/her new movie/tv show/book/jewelry line? How much clever writing goes into Stupid Pet Tricks I wonder.

I guess I'm technically and entertainment writer too, and I don't get paid squat to talk to you about Britney's panties, but do you hear me complaining? Letterman, if you need content for tonight's how, give me a buzz. I'll face the wrath of the union and jump right over that picket line. If I don't get a call and the strike persists, then I guess I'll just switch over to BBCA - their stuff is much funnier anyway.

Orange shades make you quicker

26.2 - oy

Thousands of New Yorkers came out to cheer on friends and family
members as they ran the NYC Marathon today. And that makes total sense
to me, it's fun to stand outside with a beer in your hand and hundreds
of otherrowdy revelers to root for runners. You get to make signs with
funny slogans, you get to push your way through crowds for that prime
spot on the railing and you get to scream at random strangers and they
give you the thumbs up. All of that is good fun for a Sunday afternoon.
What I don't get is why the heck people are actually running. Did you
ever look at their faces as they go by? They are literally dying. They
are crying and in pain and fighting for every step. Some of them are
actually bleeding fromchapped nipples (ouch). Toe nails fall off,
blisters the size of your palm develop on the soles of feet. Why would
anyone do that to themselves? Probably fewer than 2% of the runners are
actually in it for prize money, so what's with the other several
thousand. Can't you get the same kind of high after completing a tough
spin class? Running is crazy, you'll only see me run if it's away from
rain when my hair is straight or to the ice cream truck as it's just
about to pull away. And who decided on 26.2 miles? What's the extra 385
yards for? (That's right, I looked it up, I don't have a clue what .2
of a mile is.) I don't know why you do it runners, but I guess
congratulations for those who gave it a try. And big congrats to DB who
not only gave it a try but finished proudly in under 5 hours. Good luck
with the blisters and raw nipples and all.

A Glorious Wedding

An absolutely amazing time was had by all. Thank you
to the bride and groom for creating such a wonderful event. We send you
off with lots of love and wishing you a lifetime of joy.

Congratulations

To 2 and her honna. Can't wait to celebrate with you this weekend as you become betrothed.