Alternate First Dances For Ette2 and Honna

The Honna and I already have our "first dance" all planned out, but should something not work or we are feeling anxiety about it at the last moment, we will revert to one of these classics:

This is just pure classic. In fact, Rad was what brought Honna and I together 3 beautiful years ago. Lauri Laughlin really does it up proper with these sweet BMX moves.

Who would be able to refuse a remake of the final dance sequence from Dirty Dancing? The Honna has actually prepared in advance for this one. He's been practicing his slide across the floor for quite some time. And that smooth sweep down Jennifer Grey's arm is a nightly ritual for Ette2 and her man. It's our send-off; our good night, so to speak. We're well versed.

These prisoners had the right idea when they got together as a collective group to choreograph themselves to MJ's Thriller classic. We just might be able to pull this off, minus the orange jump suits. A ball and chain will have to suffice. Pun intended.

It Takes a Village To Raise a Child

But it only takes one child to burn down a village. According to police, a child was responsible for starting one of the dozen wildfires in southern California last week. The fire he started destroyed at least 63 structures, burned down 15 homes, and destroyed more than 38,000 acres. This particular blaze also cost the state more than $7.4 million to contain.

All because the stupid kid was playing with matches.

I am speechless. You know what I believe this kids punishment should be? He should be forced to do 2,000 hours community service in a burn-victim unit at a major trauma center. He should be forced to enlist in Habitat for Humanity and remain enlisted until he helps build a minimum of 380 homes (1% of the amount of acres he destroyed). He should be forced to dedicate his life to the Global Warming and environmental issues plaguing our planet.

And he should be grounded until he is 64, at which point he is not allowed to receive social security or medicare.

Bam-ette

As a slutty school girl




She's not snarling, that's how she smiles!

Halloweenie

Halloween brings out the best and the worst in people, especially in NYC. The best always end up with the most creative costumes that leave you speechless, shocked at their absurd creativity, and completely embarrassed at your attempt at a slutty cop. (Because we all know slutty cops are both a reality and extremely scary.)

The WORST on the other hand are the ones that took the old costume thing too far. Should your costume include any of the below components, you should consider just being a slutty nurse like Ette1 and 2 (however Ette1 did get creative one year and go as J-Lo. Woohoo):

1. A tank of propane gas. If your costume involves flames or fire of any sort, consider yourself not only having taken things too far, you deserve to get third degree burns.
2. Liquid or wet anything. This includes but is not limited to goo, slime, blood and pus. No-one wants to go home with a reminder of your stupid costume dripping down their Dorothy sleeve because they unfortunately rubbed up against you at the bar.
3. Clown shoes. If you insist on wearing shoes three times larger than your feet, you deserve to fall on your face; we, however, do not. So don't wear them and we won't trip over them.
4. Spikes. Do not use your body as a weapon if you are going to be in a public space like a bar. Yes, we know you have gladiator fantasies (we talked to your ex-girlfriend) but that spiked shield you are wearing as a chest protector scares us. Go home.

And additionally, these costume choices don't work under any circumstance:

1. Suicide bomber. Yeah, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody at the karaoke bar (or Grand Central Station) will find you the least bit humorous. And you will probably get your ass beat at least twice.
2. A black person (if you're not black). This is just wrong. Not only will it take you hours to apply paint all over your uncovered body parts, but you will not resemble OJ when you are done, and you won't resemble Mike Vick either. You'll just resemble an idiotic version of you who is trying to be funny. And failed.
3. God. Or Jesus. We already know you have an inflated ego; we don't need you to dress in robes with a fake beard to prove a point to us. And it's a tad sacrilegious.
4. A ghost. Putting a white sheet over your head does not make you scary. And ghosts aren't white, they are foggy and translucent; everyone knows that.
5. A KKK member. Putting a white sheet over your head does not make you scary. And KKK members aren't white, they are morons. Everyone knows that.
6. George Bush. We unfortunately get enough of him in real life. Please don't inundate us with images of him on Hallows Eve. That's when we just want to see monsters and slutty nurses.

Instead, try being something original; like a Facebook page.

Mischief night

Mischief night, a tradition in northern England, Scotland, Ireland and the United States, is a night on the calendar when the custom is for preteens and teenagers to take a degree of license to play pranks and do mischief to their neighbors.

Here are suggestions for NY-style mischief. Kvetchette must insist that readers not try these at home, unless under adult supervision.

- T.p. the doorman
- Drop eggs from your balcony or roof - try to drop them so they land in the shape of a pumpkin to make it more halloweeny and less illegal
- Press the buzzer to pretty much everyone in your building and then stand aside to hear them all ask who it is; when they all eventually stop asking - press again
- Press all the buttons in the elevator, then jump out at the first floor - people hate that
- T.p. the neighbor's yappy dog (please don't do this to my yappy dog)
- Drop orange food coloring into the washers at the laundromat - to create fun Halloween-themed clothes

Annoying

OK, totally slammed today, but didn't want to leave readers in the lurch without a new post. Have you ever been on the subway or a city bus for that matter and have an overzealous conductor/driver? Usually it's nice when they say have a good day and be safe, but my ride this morning, was so incredibly annoying. The conductor kept pressing the button for those stupid announcements like "ladies and gentlemen, please allow people to exit the train before entering" - we weren't even stopped at the time, or "ladies and gentlemen, for your safety, please hold on to the hand rails when the train is in motion." Seriously every five seconds he would play another one. Then the guy gets on the intercom to make his own add-on announcement, "ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking, please be aware of pick-pockets, do not carry your wallets in your back pocket and keep your pocketbooks close by, thank you and have a blessed day." And he did that at every stop. We heard no less than 15 announcements in my 10 minute ride. I appreciate that they want to give helpful tips, but what would really help is if they did something to ease congestion on the train so I didn't have to stand there for 60 blocks feeling some sweaty guy's "anatomy" on my leg the whole ride. That's when I give the chop, I hold a book in my hand for just this type of occasion and if said sweaty guy gets too close, I drop my arm down hard to my side, and he gets chopped. If anyone has been hurtin for some physical attention from men, take the 4 train downtown from 86 street at about 8:30 am, and enjoy! I'll be taking a cab from now on.

Leftovers are gross

I don't like leftovers. No matter how delicious the meal, I don't want it tomorrow. Something about wrapping it in tinfoil and storing it in the fridge makes it automatically gross. I think it's the cold condensation that smells of stinky never-been-cleaned fridge that creeps it's way into the food item, rendering it unedible. Tomorrow I want a new taste sensation to enjoy. There aren't a great many joyful things in life, but food is one of them, and part of the fun of the day is deciding what you'll eat, a whole new flavor, something you haven't tasted in a while perhaps. Just unwrapping yesterday's meal takes all the fun out of it, and it's never as good as the first day. So be warned EK, I'll come over tonight, but do not try to feed me leftovers. It's Monday and I want to enjoy Monday foods, and not leftover Sunday refrigerated grossness.


This of course does not apply to cakes - cakes are great leftovers.

Can we talk about stupid baby names...

No joke, a woman in my office just named her son Pilot. Yeah, that's right, Pilot.
Don't know the back story, like maybe a pilot saved her life one time on a terrifying transatlantic flight, or maybe it's some reference to the biblical figure Ponchus Pilot - none the less, it's stupid, and the poor kid has to deal with that stupid name forever. And I don't feel one ounce bad for her that she is going to have to explain and defend that name for years to come. It's one thing if you are a celebrity and the kid is going to be screwed up anyway, but it's different for real people, when he's got a fighting chance.

Anyway, just for the fun of it, here are some other stupid baby names. Hope none of the other preggos in my office see this and get inspired.

Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon)
Blubell Madonna (Geri Halliwell)
Destry (Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw)
Fuchsia (Sting)
Heaven (Lil' Mo)
Lil' Mo (Big Mo)
Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson) - my personal fav
Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)
Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)
Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillete)
Rocket (Robert Rodriguez)
Satchel (Spike Lee)


I kind of like Apple and Suri, so I'm leaving them alone.
Shiloh is interesting - how many of you saw Mr & Mrs Smith - there's a scene in that movie when Vince Vaughn's character talks about his imaginary friend Shiloh - then boom a few months later and Brad and Angie have a little Shiloh - coincidence? Don't think so.

Gettin juiced

How awesome is it that all of OJ's robbery buddies are taking plea deals and turning on him. I don't suspect that OJ will do a lot of time on this, but even just a guilty verdict would be nice to hear.

Dog People

I love dogs as much as the next person. I admire cute dogs I see on the
street, I've been known to ooh and ah, but I've never been compelled to
stop other people on street to discuss their animals and I don't know
why so many people do it me. Now I know my littleBoozie is special and
cuter than most, so I understand the draw, but why do we have to talk
about it? I don't want to tell you how old she is or if she's a boy or
girl, if she's full grown or not, or her name. And honestly, I don't
know why you are interested. I guess I'll give you those details if you
ask, but do I have to then ask you about your hairy little child? And
then what do I do with that information? Go home and tell my friends,
"I met the cutest dog today, he was just 3 years old and his name was Sammy, and he peed on the ground." I don't really like people is the thing, and if I'm on the street with my dog, it's because I had her couped up in the house for a week and I figured she needed some fresh air or I'm on my way to go somewhere, in both cases, I'm out there for a reason, and it doesn't include meeting new crazy people. And trust me, dog people who want to stop and chat are the craziest out there. The other thing is that my dog is not at all friendly, she tries to bite anyone who comes too close. So then I'm left to apologize for her behavior, when in fact no one asked you to get down on the ground to pet her in the first place. I have to admit, I sort of love that my dog is so bitchy to strangers, she takes after mommy. How about from now on, we give each other a pleasant nod and friendly smile and leave it at that. If you need new friends, sign up for myspace.

You can't stand under my umbrella

Okay, okay, I know...I have already posted about rain and umbrellas. And it was relevant and funny. But now I have a serious kvetch regarding the above-mentioned, and I have to vent.

Last night my umbrella was stolen. Yup, I am the victim of a theft, and not just any ole' petty theft; this thief stole what was probably the best umbrella in the entire world; and one that can not be replaced. This was a London Fog umbrella. One that was so durable it has withstood the test of 6+ years of winds, rain and storms and has kept me bone-dry through every single one.

Herein my true kvetch lies...last night I attended a formal event; one in which upon entering the event space, a man in charge of "umbrellas" took my pride and joy from me out of courtesy so I would not enter the space dripping and thus making a mess everywhere. What a nice gesture! I thought...until four hours later I exited the party to even heavier rain and a long walk to the valet, only to realize that my umbrella was no longer there, and neither was the nice man who took it from me upon arrival.

Now can someone explain to me, 1) why someone would take an umbrella that clearly was not theirs, and more importantly 2) why a place would employ a gentleman to take from guests and not give back. Would it have been so hard for them to keep the man on the clock until guests departed, so they could be given back what was taken from them in the same manner?

Well, here I sit, on a rainy Saturday, umbrella-less and depressed after realizing that I will never be able to take cover under an umbrella so functional again. My memories of dryness underneath it's protective wings are over, and I have to move on, wet hair and all.

Thanks a lot.

Worst dresses ever

In honor of 2's big day, I thought I'd aid her in her dress selection and steer her away from some not-so-great choices. We likely won't see 2 in these:




I (not-so-secretly) love Jordon, but this is bad




Did she sit on her bouquet?

For those who are unclear

This is a pine cone


This is a traffic cone

Why Halloween is the coolest holiday ever

List of reasons for kids:

- People give you candy - for free!
- You get to dress up as your favorite character; princess, ballerina, 80's girl, nurse, cop...
- You get to go out on a school night, and don't have to wear a jacket
- Candy apples
- You decorate the house and front lawn, and carve pumpkins
- It's a holiday but you don't have to pray to anyone or have to go listen to sermons
- Haunted houses

Reasons for adults:

- People give you a candy - for free!
- You get to dress up as your favorite character; slutty princess, slutty ballerina, slutty 80's girl, slutty nurse, slutty cop...
- You have an excuse to come in late to work the next day
- Orange beer
- Mischief - of all sorts
- Haunted house parties
- Masks are effective beer goggles

Reasons to Elope

Weddings rope you in to doing all sorts of things you wouldn't do under any other circumstance. Below are reasons to throw caution to the wind and just elope, family be damned...

1. Whatever you think it's going to cost, it's safe to say you can triple that number. And then once you triple that number and that becomes what you think it's going to cost, go ahead and triple it again. This exercise never gets old.
2. Colors and coordination take on a whole new meaning when you are not just talking about your shirt matching your pants. Now you have to worry about things like matching "taupes" and "ivory's" and textures of said fabrics "meshing." Yes, you heard me correctly; there are truly 461 shades of ivory.
3. Even when you say you don't want a lot of flowers; even when your centerpieces include all of one lonely flower, the florist inevitably finds a way to add a few zeros to the end of your tab just to make it worth her while for a "Saturday" wedding.
4. You are paying tons of money for everyone to eat and drink, and all the advice from those who came before you tells you that you won't eat a bite or sip a single drop because you will be so distracted and so excited. Hmmmm...sounds like the bride and groom get the short end of the stick if you ask me. Good thing I had a "tasting" with my caterer...at least I have a distant memory of what those seared scallops tasted like.
5. You put all this time and energy into planning something that may be outdoors, and then have to spend the two weeks leading up to your "big day" obsessing over and refreshing the website pages of dozens of weather forecasts. And to no avail, really, because Mother Nature pretty much does whatever the hell she damn pleases at this point (uh, global warming? California fires? 83 degrees in October?)
6. Your relationship suffers because you stress out about things you never have given any thought to until it's down to the wire. And your lovely fiance has second thoughts.
7. You are bringing together families that potentially haven't been in each other's company before, or divorced parents who have a certain 'disdain' for one another, or crazy relatives who have a tendency to drink and talk (the equivalent of drinking and driving), etc, etc..Do the math.
   

And finally...

8. You probably can't get away with having Elvis, Homer Simpson, Al Sharpton or Dolly Parton marry you unless you elope. And what fun is saying "I do" if your officiant isn't wearing bell-bottoms or silver sunglasses?

Bringing your ex to a friend's wedding

Pro: You have someone to dance with
Con: Need to move on

Pro: Less of a hassle for your "couple" friends who have to sit with you
Con: Need to move on already

Pro: Can make him get you drinks from the bar
Con: He gets drinks for himself too and gets drunk

Pro: If there are no other hot guys, you still have someone to make out with
Con: If there are hot guys, you're stuck with the one you brought

Pro: You have someone to go in on a gift with
Con: You probably have to pay for the gift anyway, since it's your friend's wedding

Oy, decisions...

Men

From time to time 2 and I tire of brainstorming funny blog ideas and turn to alternate resources for inspiration and/or content. We don't oft like to steal from stupid internet forwards but this one was too accurate to pass up. Enjoy boys...

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules " from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to s leep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Dumbledore is Gay?

Turns out kindly old wizard Albus Dumbledore enjoys hot man-on-man (or
wizard-on-warlock)
action. Not so surprising, look at his flair for grandeur. (Not that
there's anything wrong with that) But makes me wonder what other
fictional characters are also members of the LGBT community...

Here's a suggested list:

The hobbit - or all the characters in the hobbit


Bert (and probably ernie)


Bobby Hill


He-Man (obviously)


Tin Man


Lisa Simpson

The Rain in Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain

Rain etiquette: A topic we tend to not think about until it's too late; meaning, when the skies are dark and it's pouring outside, and the etiquette-less take to the streets with their unwieldy umbrellas built for 6 and then all hell breaks loose, and Rainmageddon begins....

Let me paint a visual picture for you, should you be unfamiliar with this territory. Case in point: It's a rainy day in New York City, and aside from the subways, trains and taxis being unusually slow, broken down or just plain dysfunctional, the citizens of the city have morphed into manner-less beings with glassy stares and firm grips on their ridiculously oversized umbrellas. Now, I don't know if it's an ego thing; I mean, does the size of your umbrella say something about you? I must have missed that memo, because 3 out of 4 New Yorkers insist on wielding umbrellas large enough to fit the entire population of Darfur underneath.

Now with sidewalk widths being what they are, and the population growth factor being what it is, you can certainly paint a visual (if you aren't already familiar) of what this tragic New York scene looks and feels like. And aside from the obvious scientific diameter perspective, I think it's safe to say that 75% of New Yorkers have absolutely no umbrella etiquette.

So, should you be one of those statistics, let me give you a little update on the 2007 edition of "How to Walk in the Rain Without Taking Someone's Eye Out."

1. Choose an umbrella size proportionate to your body size.
2. When walking on a crowded sidewalk, keep your eyes up and not down at the ground, so as to be aware of humans, animals, trash cans or cars you may or may not be about to walk directly into.
3. When passing other pedestrians also wielding umbrellas, pay attention, and either raise your umbrella up or lower it slightly when passing them so as not to "crash" umbrellas, thus sending rain splashes flying onto every person within a 10 foot radius.
4. Be aware of the spokes of your umbrella. They may not appear as weapons to you, but to the glassy eyes of the passing many, they may as well be hot spokes and they most certainly can take somebody's eye out.
   
5. Focus more on the purpose and reason for which you are carrying said umbrella, and do not use it as a fashion statement, weapon, or any other purpose.
   

Thank you for tuning in to this public service announcement. I look forward to seeing you all dry with both eyes in tact.

MySpace is for cheating

"Social Networking" my ass. Myspace is for two things only: meeting people to cheat with or spying on your cheating partner - that's it.

It makes it all so easy for you to cheat.
Connect with old friends (meaning exs who are still interested but deleted your phone number after the last big fight and now want to hook up again).
Meet new people (meaning get the email address of the cute girl your friend's girlfriend hangs out with).
Post fun pictures (meaning show potential booty calls what you look like in a bikini or slutty top).

It's also the perfect place to spy. You can see all of your significant other's "friends" in their slutty tops. You see when they make new "friends." You see the flirty messages their "friends" leave them and even what they write back. And the best spy action - you can see when they log on, why the heck was s/he checking myspace when s/he told me s/he was locked in a meeting all day.

I miss the old days when meeting "friends" happened at the seedy neighborhood bar, and spying was only going through your partner's text messages.

Of course 2 and I have myspace pages, but we don't use them to cheat or spy, they are just so people can see us in slutty tops.

How Do I Love Thee

Dear Google,

I write this letter in thanks...a heartfelt thanks for all that you give to me each and every day.

Google, you have been there for me through thick and thin. You have been with me through the rough times (when I would use your trusty search engine to try and order prescription drugs through Canada) and the good times (when I simply was looking for that Balenciaga bag on sale). And you have always come through. Meaning, I am now the proud owner of both the Balenciaga and some Vicoden. Thank you for being a friend and not an enabler.

You have pointed me in the right direction when I was curious if I had family I didn't know about, and you boosted my ego when I googled my own name and found 2 pages worth of things actually relating to me, and not some other geek with my name. You have found me restaurant phone numbers when I had the munchies and was too lazy to get off the couch and actually go to the restaurant to get food. You rock, Googlette...

In all our years together you have very rarely led me astray (like the time I searched for chicken breast recipes and you took me to that porn site--silly google). And I forgive you for these times because they have always given me a chuckle.

How can I repay you for the wealth of information you provide? You are so brave, so giving that you don't even charge me for these services. And you even go so far as to change your homepage with a new cute logo or animation every day...how sweet are you?!

Please Google, please let me know if there's anything I can do for you in return. Like if you're ever in the neighborhood (which you can find by using your handy dandy Google maps and satellite) stop by for a cup of coffee (which I ordered by looking up the name of that Jamaican company on you) or give a ring on my cell phone (which I got discounted from China by Google searching the model name and number) and if you still can't reach me just check in to kvetchette.com (which was created through images "borrowed" from your image search database).

Sincerely and forever yours,

Ette2 (who wil be even more indebted to you if you should choose to add kvetchette.com to page 1 of all searches for the term 'kvetch' or 'bitch' or 'really rad ettes')

500 readers!

Today is a momentous day in Kvetchette history, we've topped 500 readers.
Thank you to all our dedicated fan-ettes. And a special thank you to those few of you who are our most loyal. They include fiancés, sisters, moms, lawyer friends, brothers-in-law and Michael Vick. You are all very special to us, please accept this note of gratitude and our site as your Hanukkah gifts. Enjoy!

What happens in Chelsea...

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't post about the bachelorette party, but just one tidbit. 2, do you remember trying to light strategists on fire? Yeah, it was that kind of night. You are a fun girl. (But admit, the louboutins were hot, even if they were on my hands most of the night.)

I'm on the D List

I have a love/hate relationship with lists. I don't quite know how it began, but at some point in my childhood I decided I liked my handwriting. I also decided during that time that I had a short-term memory loss shortcoming and that writing things down would be a surefire way to stay on top of day-to-day life "things." HA.

For the last ten years, I have created lists. Mostly to-do lists, but there has always been the occasional pro/con list and grocery list, and even the reasons for/reasons against list. But never in all my ten years have I finished a list. I create each one in anticipation of completing each numbered line...I sometimes even write things on these lists that I have already completed just so I can cross it out immediately, thus feeling a sense of accomplishment. I know, I know; I should get a hobby.

However, at no time have lists been as important in my life as they are right now. Between a house purchase, wedding, honeymoon, job, life, dog, in-laws, obligations, I am literally swimming in to-do's. However, every day without fail I write out a new list, letting yesterdays and all lists before it go to hell.

Yes, I know. I am wasting paper. However, my little environmentalettes, I often create my lists on my trustee laptop--thus staying paper-free. I suppose that's how I always end up needing new lists. I also create them on Starbucks napkins (the ones I haven't used cleaning up my spilled drips), restaurant receipts, envelopes and the old email-to-myself method.

I just completed my latest list. It's redundent of all lists before it and quite frankly is so long that it would take me months to complete. So instead of getting anything on the list accomplished, I'm kvetching. And eating.

Thanks for tuning in....if anyone wants a task, let me know. I have a few lists I can sell you.

Dyslexia is a real disease

or it’s at least a learning disability - so I can't get fired for it can I?

True story.
My boss was out of town last week, but we were scheduled to attend a meeting in Woonsocket RI today (that’s right Woonsocket - fun). So she asked me to send her the travel details, which of course I diligently did. I sent her the Amtrak ticket reservation with all the details confirming the 8:03 train this morning, except at the top of the confirmation email – I wrote, “we’re taking the 8:30 train and I’ll meet you at the station.” As I took my seat in the Quiet Car to avoid having to chat with her for 3 and a half hours, I shot off an email telling her where to find me. She was at Dunkin Donuts getting coffee and likely a chocolate glazed when she replied, “I thought it was the 8:30 train?!” Just as the train pulled out of the station without her I realized my minor, albeit important error. Suffice it to say, she was not happy (even though she could have glanced at the reservation to get the right time). HR has already received a full complaint. But help me out here. Can I really be to blame for what many millions of American’s suffer from daily? I think not. In fact my boss should be concerned, nay, she should be down right worried about this newly developed neurological discrepancy instead of reprimanding me. In fact I may take this up with my lawyer – JMF please be on notice. This smacks of blatant discrimination. Seriously, I could have a case here, I’ve been wronged.

I encourage our readers to take a stand on dyslexia. Don’t let another innocent, well-meaning, but bad-spelling individual like myself by victimized any longer.

I’m an initiating the Dyslexic Organization for Reading and Ritting Korrectly.

Please read below and learn more about this important issue. Donations may be made to DORRK c/o ette1.

See the below excerpt from Dyslexia.org and make a commitment to help.

Dyslexia is a severe reading problem of neurological origin in a person with average or above average intelligence, for whom there are no other physical, medical, or psychological conditions sufficiently serious to account for the language handling deficits.

Conservative estimates vary between 5 and 10 per cent of the population. No correlation has been found between the incidence of dyslexia and nationality, income, ethnicity, race, or IQ, and experts are even beginning to question whether it is more common among boys than girls.

Seriously $1,000?

Anyone walking around the UES on a lovely weekstart like today can't help but notice the plethora of baby strollers. They are as ubiquitous as tori burch flats and half stepped-on dog poop. But do you know how much these freaking things cost? There are lots of mid-road strollers with all the bells and whistles,safety requirements, etc. But too many of these Upper East Siders are pushing around the equivalent of one and a half pairs of Louboutins! Come on, what baby needs a $1,000 stroller? When I was young I'm pretty sure they put a blanket in a cardboard box, plopped it on top of a skate board and we were good to go. But worse yet, what you don't know is that this stroller is only one of 3-4 they have at home. There's the lightweight portable stroller, the standard stroller, the jogger or all-terrain stroller and the bugaboo for fashion. I think we're a bit out of control on this one. Don't even get me started on the stroller accessories. New Yorker's make too much money for their own good.

Now accepting applications

As many of you know, 2 will be leaving me for 3+ weeks, she's selfishly decided to get married and - if that's not enough - then follow the wedding with an extended honeymoon. Bully for her, but in the meantime there is a lot of complaining that needs to get done, and though many would assert that my capacity for complaining is limitless, the truth is I have a job and must moderate my whining to only a couple posts a day. Since we know you crave quality and varied gripping, we've decided to open the airwaves to all those who feel the need to bitch and who
meet the below requirements. If you are up to the task reply in the comment section to submit your discussion topic and be sure to include your creative ette-name. 2 and I will review submissions over the next few weeks and award guestette contributor roles to outstanding applicants.

- Your post must be an actual complaint, preferably pointing out life's daily annoyances that others can relate to. If you feel the need to say something nice about someone please take that to another blog, like maybe Clay Aiken has a site you can write to.
-- Please note, if you present a good idea that we may sometime want to post as our own, we may steal it.

- Your post must be humorous. Obviously this is subjective, so when we say it should be funny, that means funny to 2 or me or really just me, since she's going away anyway.

- Your post may not disparage either of the ettes or the blog, all other people/topics are welcome.

Additional notes:
- All posts are subject to editing. We reserve the right to modify to make the posting more funny if you are sort of boring, or less funny, if it seems that you are naturally funnier than us.
- Correct spelling and appropriate grammar are not required.
- Topics that are stolen from Gawker will not be accepted - that's our territory.


Start thinking everyone. What really gets your goat, who was mean to you today, why is it 80 degrees in late October? Looking forward to hearing all of your irritable, belligerent, cranky whining.

M.A.D.D.

OK, I'm hearing from several of ette1's closest, they are expressing concern about my newly formed habits. Let me set the record straight, despite the recent spat of smoking, drinking and reckless shopping, I haven't lost my way. I'll be back on the straight and narrow this weekend, babysitting and enjoying clean family time.

Oh but forgot about the bachelorette party on Sat. OK, most of the weekend will be clean and sober except for a few hours on Sat night, which I won't post about as to not further upset my mom. Everyone be sure to buckle up for safety and ALWAYS designate a driver.

Note to self

Do not post when intoxicated, it's not really funny.

FJ, especially for ette2

fabulous jeans
fallin jew
famous few
freaking justified
follow jehovah
freaking justified
flawed justice
framed jesus
flavorless jujubees
frosted jellies
funky juice
floppy jingles
fingered jaws
financial jaws
felony jeers
face jam
farce joy
force jester
factor jackoff
facial jamboree
for sure only funny to 2 and me but too bad

Identity Crisis

So I just had a realization, as I began to pre-fill out my marriage license application in anticipation for honna's and my visit tomorrow to Town Hall, and as I lingered over the line asking me to fill in my post-wedding surname it occurred to me that what I put on that line is a big deal. Like Tag-Sale-at-Saks big deal. Or Yankees-Not-Making-It-Past-First-Series big deal. Or even bigger than that; like Ette1's Carrot Cake big deal.

If I change my name, I will likely never introduce myself as my maiden name ever again! So 29 years of "Hi, my name is Ette2 Amazing" will be no more, and instead I will have to be "Hi, my name is Ette2 Fantastic." It all feels so strange!!!

I'm sure I'm not the first lady to feel this way. And thankfully, I am upgrading to a name that is much less often butchered, or spelled incorrectly. I can't tell you how many absurd pronunciations I've been through in my life. (Thanks, Dad!) But I think I am going to be the first lady to do something about it.

Thus, I am declaring tomorrow, October 19th, 2007, Embrace Your Identity Day. All day tomorrow, I plan on using my first and last name to every person I come in contact with. I will use it in every format imaginable. I will say my last name so much that I will exhaust myself from saying it. And then, in the evening, I will celebrate the send-off of my identity...sort of like the "Maiden Ship" if you will (har har).

And raise my glass to toast myself, while I'm at it...

Also putting your dog on stuff is fun

Giant ice cream is fun