I'm drawn to train wrecks

I can't turn away. Take The Hills, for example. I managed to steer clear of this particular train wreck for YEARS...I never saw a single episode of Laguna Beach...when all my BFFs were chatty Cathy-ing it up about this Kristen Cavatelli and ragu biatch I was ho hum with my own "intellectually stimulating" shows, like ER. Or Six Feet Under.

But somehow, somewhere along the line, between Lauren's center part and her half head braid looks, I got sucked in. That's how it happens. It's like ambient noise in the background, and all of a sudden, you catch an interesting song, a diddy you've heard maybe once before but never placed. And here it is, and you're like "what's that song?" so you turn the volume up and pay attention. So while Brody's fightin' with Lauren who's fightin' with Audrina, you're just semi-listening to the banter, just waiting for the chorus to come in. And then, just like that, the crack pipe is put down, and you find yourself rewinding -- going, "did she just say that?" or "she's not seriously hooking up with him..." or "did Heidi really just look to Jesus for guidance regarding Spencer?"

So here I sit, H-ette snoring away in the bedroom, and I'm watching the season premiere of The Hills. And it's D-R-A-M-A fro the get-go, and I love it. I love every minute. I'm loving Bedroom Eyes this season, and even more so, this new Kristin girl is a dream come true for TV. So sweet, that girl. Really. We all need a Kristin in our lives...and a voodoo doll in her likeness.

I'm sorry too

1) To all the businesses I've dissed on my @westchesterlife twitter acct...I hope that rather than my negative tweets killing your profits, you instead have taken my advice and made some changes to be better at what you do.

2) To the rabbit we killed in the car the other night. We saw you in the middle of the highway, and H-ette didn't slow down, because honestly you were looking right at us and we thought you were gonna hop on outta the way, and you didn't, and then it was too late, and we heard you under our tire, and I cried, and H-ette tried to console me. And I gave you a Twitter eulogy, but I'm still sorry, b/c you were somebunny's baby. Or momma.

3) To Stewpart, my brother's dog, for making jokes at your expense and telling everyone how annoying you are. You just wanna be loved -- even sucky dogs deserve love.

4) To the guy who gave me the shoulder massage at the nail salon the other day. You SO went above and beyond the 1 minute freebie and gave me a full on, 10 minute neck rub. You rocked. And I didn't tip you. My nails were still wet and I had already tipped the manicurist. And quite frankly, I just didn't want to smudge. I apologize. I owe ya one -- not a massage, but maybe a buck or two.

5) To the big G-O-D. I had coffee today. I suck, I know. I don't even have the willpower to starve myself for a freakin' day. I made that coffee and I knew the whole time I was crushing my beans, and filling the pot reservoir that what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. And it tasted really good. Amen.

Sorry

Yom Kippur is tomorrow, and that's the day when good Jews begin a 24-hour fast and ask for forgiveness from friends and family in the hopes that the big guy upstairs will absolve you and write your name in the book of life for another year. Well I have a pretty big November coming up and it would be best if I were alive for that, so I'm going to try to get all my repenting out of the way early. Here's all my bad deeds and I'm sorry's. Hope you will forgive me.

• Sorry Bam for planning to leave you with the crazy chihuahua guy who wants you to sleep in his bed
• Sorry about the whole no tv in barbados thing sisette's nanny
• Sorry to all the annoying facebook people for calling you annoying
• Sorry to Ette2 for being a lazy blog partner
• Sorry to Pants for threatening to leave you if you air horn me, although seriously I will, so think hard about that
• Sorry friendly Doorman for pretending to listen to music when I walk in the building to avoid talking to you
• Sorry ass for not bringing you to the gym more like I promised
• Sorry Megan Fox for pointing out your toe thumbs
• Sorry book club for basically just skimming the first chapter of the last three books we read and then showing up to the discussion just for snacks
• Sorry to Project Runway for not watching you now that you are on Lifetime
• Sorry to the fat guy in the elevator who didn't move even an inch from his spot blocking the entire door when I needed to get out. He doesn't know why I'm apologizing, but let's just say I had some not nice thoughts
• Sorry for hating cats and Renee Zellweger and Ryan Seacrest

I seriously think that's it. But for safety, I'll say this. I may not be perfect, I may write snarky things that may hurt someone's feelings behind their back - but it also probably makes someone else laugh - so can we just call it even? Thanks and hope you all have an easy fast!

Doggie daycare

So one of the things that's been stressing me out about my impending nuptuals is who the heck is going to look after our beloved pet while we're basking in the sun for our island wedding. Because she's such a pill and all around not-fun-to-be-around kinda dog, we can only leave her with our closest family. That means momette from time to time, but mostly sisette and that's only as payback for all the bbsitting hours I donate to her. So we're in a bit of a quandry. Any friends and family we're close enough to to ask are coming to the wedding. We stopped into several doggy daycare places that told us she'd have to pass a personality test for them to accept her. Well, there's zero shot of that happening, so that's out. We actually had a not so not serious chat about what if we leave her in the apt with a week's worth of food and spread wee wee pads over the entire place. She doesn't really get along with people anyway and prefers her solitude, so this might be a nice little relaxing break for her. We decided those pesky animal cruelty laws might pose a problem there, so that idea's out.

So I've been asking around and this guy in my office heard of a "Chihuahua man" who apparently specializes in the little terrors. So I call him up and can instantly tell he's a freakshow. He has 6-10 chis to his house at a given time, he gives them the run of the apartment. He lets them sleep in his bed with him and he steams veggies and chicken for all their meals. He set up ramps so they can easily access the couch and bed. I can only imagine what his place looks/smells/sounds like. Oy, so I told him all about our special friend and despite what he's heard, she's in. He also suggested that she'll come back to us more socialized and happy.

So we're signed up. I'm not like some mothers who want to interview or even meet the people who will be caring for her children. All I need is a 5-minute crazy phone convo with incesent barking the background and I'm set. I agreed to pay whatever he asked. And we'll see how it goes, if they get along, maybe we'll let him adopt her, as in aka forget to pick her up and then change our numbers.

TV is my God

Sisette dropped off the bb this am so she could go to work early, or go the gym, or just eat breakfast without a 2-year-old putting her fingers in the cereal or something like that. So I babysat for an hour and half while getting my own self ready for work before the nanny showed up to get her. Our time together included making eggies, 45 minutes of trying to get her to eat eggies, bb unscrewing all my makeup tubes and then painting her face and my duvet, cleaning her face and my duvet, individually placing a stack of 100 UNO cards around the living room, yelling at the dog for eating her eggies, picking up 100 UNO cards and then finally, peacefully watching Dora. That’s when the nanny shows up and starts lecturing me about letting the kid watch TV.

Whatevs nanny, maybe in Barbados they don’t have TVs, but here in America we have lots of them, and they are flat screened and they show cartoons with little children with big heads who speak Spanish and carry backpacks. And kids LOVE them. They sing along, they say vamanos and delicioso, they get a little scared when the map pops out of the backpack, but in general they love it and they are freaking mesmerized and best of all they sit still and are quiet. So yes sisette and sisette’s uptight nanny – the bb watches TV at Auntie’s house, you don’t like it then you can find another backup bbsitter.

L'Shana Tova, Readerettes

Just in time for the New Year comes Twitteleh...the Jewish mother's alternative to Twitter.

Pretty accurate.

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned.'

Obama calls Kanye a Jackass

Some things I'm learning from the new A&E show Hoarders

1) When your floors are completely covered in feces, empty beer and wine bottles, vomit, trash, and food, it's time to get a maid.

2) If you are keeping 32 cats in your home, you should officially be committed like Angelina in Girl, Interrupted. Especially when 12 of those cats are dead and you are still feeding them.

3) Being a hoarding gay man who lives in his own filth and excrement and still manages to have a somewhat normal-seeming, somewhat normal-looking boyfriend means either you are a homosexual anomaly or you have a really big banana.

4) While hubby jokes that I have issues because I get anxiety when our house is messy, I think the alternative - getting anxiety when our house is too clean - is worse. Hubby, you're officially warned..clean is good. Dirt is bad.

5) I need to get off the interwebs and clean my house. Just watching this show is making me feel really, incredibly dirty.

Some new, Kvetchette-approved emoticons

Thanks to MIL-ette, for the content...

We call these 'ASSICONS' Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass  hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Hosting a 'Q

So as I recuperate (still) from the bbq festivities two days ago, I want to share some words of wisdom I've amassed:

1) When your spouse (aka husband - b/c wives aren't guilty of this crime) tells you that he is going to handle EVERYTHING for the event, that means roughly that he will handle 40% of the duties. As in, he'll choose the beer and he'll push the cart at Costco, and he'll man the grill. But when it comes to duties like making sure there's plenty of T.P. for your guests, having all the food/forks/extra wine openers for when the first one breaks/more than one bag of chips, you will be stuck stressing and making lists every time.

2) Telling people to show up at their leisure AND simultaneously asking them to bring a dish means that at 3pm you'll have hot dogs, at 4:30 you'll have pasta salad, at 7pm you'll have salsa, at 7:14 you'll have carrot cake, and at 11pm you'll have special, ridiculous Cuban corn, hot off the grill and served off a platter.

3) When you live in the 'burbs, inviting some neighbors and not others basically puts you on par with Edie from Desperate Housewives. People will now pretend they like me, but they'll be whisperin' and wondering why I didn't invite them to the fest, and probably calling me names under their breath when they see me at the A&P.

4) Pre-BBQ, don't ever tell your guests you are so excited about "catching up" with them. You will have no time for such luxuries, as you will be too busy "hosting" and fetching toilet paper.

5) Try to be smart about your food estimations -- people are only coming to your house for a few hours, not for Armageddon. Be savvy with your menu or you'll be eating burgers and dogs until Yom Kippur. 2011.

6) Interview all dogs and children before invited. Make sure they can coexist peacefully, or at least be persuaded to do so with cookies or watermelon.

After all lessons have been learned, remember to thank all who attended and helped make it spectacular. So thank you to those who made it, and made it memorable - we love you!

Should I get a preemptive divorce because of an air horn?

Pants and I were watching some stupid prank show on MTV in which half of the segments revolve around some mentally challenged person blasting an air horn into another person's ear. Of course the blastee freaks out and screams and then realizes that the person they hang out with is an idiot and kind of a dick. And the blaster on tv laughs and laughs, and then I look over at Pants and he's rolling around on the floor, also laughing uncontrollably. I seriously don't get it. Pants is smart, and successful and generally pretty mature, but there is something about an air horn that brings out the 12-year-old boy in him and it's his dream to get his hands on one. He actually said that all he wants in life is to sneak up on me some time when I'm really concentrating on something and horn me. It makes me reconsider the whole marriage thing. Air horning your wife is like as bad as smashing cake in her face at the wedding. It's like pantsing her in public. It's like the worst thing you can possibly do I think. So Pants this is official warning. I will pre-vorce you so fast you won't know what's coming. And if somehow you do get your hands on a horn and you do get me, I will not only leave you, I will get revenge first. I have your logins buddy. Your facebook picture will be that time you ... I'm so serious. Don't do it.