Tips for successful wedding pics

1. Always get in the middle. Make sure to sandwich yourself between two other people, with your arms wrapped behind them. This is a helpful tool for hiding arm fat. If you have to have your arms down, make sure you are holding something with both hands – a bouquet is helpful, but hold it about 5 inches away from your midsection, that way you create a little tension in the arm – again helpful for arm fat. Don’t hold a glass of champagne (unless it’s during a toast), then you just look like a boozer.
2. Put the adorable 2-year-old to bed early. That way she won’t steal your thunder in all your pics.
3. Have a couple tubby bridesmaids. Don’t make the mistake that I did, all my maids and basically all my friends who attended were skinny bitches. You want a couple of big friends to pose with so you look really skinny in comparison.
4. Watch out for photographers who want you to do that dip/kiss combo a lot. It’s fun in theory, but then you get the whole neck flab issue as you are trying to keep yourself up while your groom is dipping you dangerously low after he’s had a couple drinks.
5. Also for neck flab, be sure to dip chin out and down just a bit when you are posing, you avoid a whole mess of unsightly neck flab that way.
6. Make sure your maids swab you down before pics in warm climates. You’d be surprised where you sweat when you’re in a 300 lb dress in the tropics – so part of their job is to take a hanky and dab you whenever and wherever you need.
7. Spanx
8. Overhead florescent lighting is bad – soft candle light is good.
9. Make sure to pull hair in front of shoulders, that way you cover up that little flap of fat between the side of your boobs and arms that gets all pushed up and magnified when you are wearing a strapless dress.
10. Don’t have someone make a life size cake replica of you out of cake.