Can't keep a complainer down

Back by popular demand. You missed me - didn't you?

You know what really grinds my gears? Today is mother's day and I'm not a mom - and that's fine and all, I'm waiting till I'm good and tired of not having responsibilities, cause nothing ruins a perfectly delicious plate of ihop cheesecake pancakes quicker than a three-year-old throwing yogurt - but it got me to thinking. I haven't properly celebrated me in at least two months or more. My three weddings are but a distant memory now that spring has sprung, all the left-over valentine's day candy has that weird, white film over it (who am I kidding, there's no left-over valentine's day candy, and even if there were and it had white film, that wouldn't stop me from eating it, but still) and all I have left of my 3rd 29th birthday party are some embarrassing pictures to untag on Facebook.

This is the longest I've gone without someone sending me a card in like a year and it honestly pains me. No one told me today how special I am, how pretty I look or gave me anything to unwrap. Yuck right?! I'm not that cool with the lack of admiration and adoration I'm feeling.

And you know what, I won't have a me celebration for months to come. Like a million people have birthdays between now and my next one including Ette 2, my mom (and it's a big one), my husband, my niece, the new kid, my uncle and brother-in-law, blech. I guess I'm just supposed to be excited for all you guys huh? Well I'm not. I got good and used to having parties for myself and you all showing up and being excited and lifting me up on chairs and stuff. Argh it's killing me to recall it all now since it's been so freaking long since it's happened. Seriously, someone call my bridesmaids and have them organize some shit. They were all thrilled to help out during wedding and bachelorette party planning, I'm sure they wouldn't mind chipping in again. Doesn't have to be anything huge. How about just the core group of 20-25 meet at a restaurant or better yet take a back-room in some cool, new loungey bar, get a couple balloons and some cupcakes with my picture digitally printed on them. Is that too much to ask? And everyone can you all wear black and then I'll wear red so I really stand out and let's have karaoke there, but I'll do like every other song. Oh actually, let's do this, if someone else wants to sing we'll find a duet - that would be good. And someone remember to bring your camera and really try to upload the photos to send to me the next day. I hate waiting to get pics from my parties.

Whew, I actually feel better just knowing now that this is in the works. Thats guys, you're the best and I appreciate it. See you soon.

Remember, you guys wear black.

What's happening here

Angelina's mask is peeling off. Underneath she's a robot - obviously.

I've got an excuse

So I know, I know - Ette1 and I have been MIA for the last couple of months. She was off getting hitched, and I was off getting knocked up. Yeah, that's right. Ette2 is pregnant. How does this benefit you, readerettes? Well it's giving me lots of material to work with, and I'm going to kvetch about it all to you, right here. Or at least try to. Baby brain makes me really forgetful, so it's also my excuse if I don't come through. Anyway, let's start this kvetch party, shall we? Situations in which "I'm pregnant" are a perfectly acceptable excuse:

1. When your partner wants to have sex. It's sex that got you where you are now...and he wants more? Just let a fart loose and blame it on the baby. He'll leave you alone for a few days.
2. Speaking of gas, any time you need to let loose, now it's perfectly acceptable to do so. After all, you're carrying a child - and your insides are out of your control. Enjoy this gassy freedom!
   
3. When there is snow to be shoveled/leaves to be raked/yard work to be done/heavy items to be lifted.
   
4. When you crave french fries dipped in ranch dressing and hot fudge - together.
5. When there is a long line for a public restroom. Just grab your belly and do the leg-cross hop, and look really, really, shamed - as if you sort of just leaked a little. Women will feel sorry for you. Trust me.
6. When people you don't really like at work keep trying to get you to join them for after-work cocktails. You can now answer, "yeah, no-can-do, unless you want my baby coming out with a cyclops head, looking like Courtney Love."
7. When you're out at night and bored, and tired, and cranky, and not enjoying yourself. All you want to do is go home and put on your tempurpedic slippers and curl up in your snuggle. Well now, you have a great excuse. Get ye to the car, husband!
8. When someone serves you something really nasty (like your friend who can't cook for shit). You can blame it on your pregnancy food aversions. "Sorry Jennifer, but Paco the Taco doesn't like tuna casserole with marshmallows."
9. When H-ette is listening to a song you don't like...you can turn it down or change the station without repercussion -- just blame it on that awful headache you have.
10. When you have a total Tourretts-like outburst and say something really mean or honest or both. This is the joy of pregnancy hormones. Use these 9-months to your advantage, and get all the crap you REALLY want to say off your chest!
    

I can't help it, I think she looks hot

I know everyone is in a uproar about Heidi's surgeries, but I think she looks kinda good. I mean I was a Heidi fan in the way early beginnings of the Hills and thought she was cute before - but what do I care if she mashes her face up, and why would you care either? She's from an MTV reality show, should we be that concerned about her plastic surgery? We've got other things to worry about, like her maniac, creepo husband. Don't get me wrong I kinda love Spencer too, but these are not my role models. So let them experiment with their faces, just like he does with that freaky blonde beard. I think she looks good, she's a younger, better version of what all the Housewives of OC want to be. I hope she does get bigger boobs. I hope they look like two giant watermellons under her sweater, and she needs a walker to help her stand up straight. And I hope she let's MTV film the surgery next time. All good stuff as far as I'm concerned.

Wordsworth

Since I'm too busy to have an original thought right now. I'll just copy someone else's work for your enjoyment.

The Washington Post recently published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

My favorite of course is testicle, see below.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled, by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Goodbye Oh' Nine!

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Let's just let PaulyD bring the humor today

It’s hard to be a JOOOOO at Christmas.

For the following reasons.

• Because, all the non-JOOOOs get to take this week off, which means, us JOOOOO’s who just last week were lighting the Hanukah candles have nothing to celebrate, so we have to be in the office and do all the work everyone else left undone.
  

• Because I can’t watch 5 minutes of my favorite TV shows (Jersey Shore) without seeing one of those annoying GAP group rap/dance commercials about buying flannel or socks.

• Because people keep inviting me to their place for holiday parties and dinners. I just got a wii, I seriously need time at home to bone up on my bowling technique.

• Because people keep sending junk food to the office and since I’m a chocolate-loving JOOOOO I can’t turn it down.

• Tourists

Bah Humbug.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Tips for successful wedding pics

1. Always get in the middle. Make sure to sandwich yourself between two other people, with your arms wrapped behind them. This is a helpful tool for hiding arm fat. If you have to have your arms down, make sure you are holding something with both hands – a bouquet is helpful, but hold it about 5 inches away from your midsection, that way you create a little tension in the arm – again helpful for arm fat. Don’t hold a glass of champagne (unless it’s during a toast), then you just look like a boozer.
2. Put the adorable 2-year-old to bed early. That way she won’t steal your thunder in all your pics.
3. Have a couple tubby bridesmaids. Don’t make the mistake that I did, all my maids and basically all my friends who attended were skinny bitches. You want a couple of big friends to pose with so you look really skinny in comparison.
4. Watch out for photographers who want you to do that dip/kiss combo a lot. It’s fun in theory, but then you get the whole neck flab issue as you are trying to keep yourself up while your groom is dipping you dangerously low after he’s had a couple drinks.
5. Also for neck flab, be sure to dip chin out and down just a bit when you are posing, you avoid a whole mess of unsightly neck flab that way.
6. Make sure your maids swab you down before pics in warm climates. You’d be surprised where you sweat when you’re in a 300 lb dress in the tropics – so part of their job is to take a hanky and dab you whenever and wherever you need.
7. Spanx
8. Overhead florescent lighting is bad – soft candle light is good.
9. Make sure to pull hair in front of shoulders, that way you cover up that little flap of fat between the side of your boobs and arms that gets all pushed up and magnified when you are wearing a strapless dress.
10. Don’t have someone make a life size cake replica of you out of cake.

To the crazy lady in the Mercedes SUV

Dear Crazy Lady,

When I was reversing out of my spot, I turned to look behind in all directions before going anywhere. Just because my reverse lights are on, and I inched out of my spot slightly to be able to see around the behemoth Escalades and Suburbans with tinted windows on either side of me, does NOT mean I was going to pull out into oncoming traffic (i.e. you, the only moving car in sight).

Was it really necessary to lay on your horn as if trying to warn a herd of deaf geese? Was it then necessary to do a slow, driveby as you stare relentlessly into my car, STILL laying on your horn no less, as you try to "prove your point?" Was it necessary to come to a COMPLETE STOP behind my car so you could stare into my soul a little longer just to get your point across? The only point you've proven is that you're a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. That's right, wackadoo lady. Get a grip. Not everyone is a bad driver. Not everyone is gonna bash into your ugly SUV and leave you to drive around in a denter. You need to chill out. Take a chill pill. REEEE-LAX.

Now maybe you're upset because you're one of Tiger's mistresses. For that I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry today. And every day for that matter.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Ette2

Don’t plan your wedding anywhere near the holidays

Just because my whole family flew to Puerto Rico and stayed for a week, bought proper wedding attire and got me extravagant engagement and wedding gifts, they all think they don’t have to go big on Hanukah this year. To that I say, that’s not want G-D wants. The JOOOO G-D wants us to remember the story of the Macabees and how they fought the Romans – don’t really remember why exactly, but he wants us to remember that. And he wants us to commemorate how the JOOOOOOOs had to learn Hebrew with dreidels, betting with gold coins. G-D wants you to give me gold. It’s a mitzah after all. You will feel better about yourself if you get me good gifts for Hanukah. To make it easier for you, I’ve developed a list.

• HD TV for bedroom (This isn’t something I want, it’s actually something I need, since our current tv just kicked it)
• Sneakers (This is for gym use, so it’s actually more of a health thing than gift)
• Designer purse (my Belenciaga that may or may not have been stolen or faked - since I got it from a sketchy web site - lost a grommet, so I need a replacement and since I obviously can’t take it to a Belenciaga store (since it might be hot or fake), I need a replacement)
• iMac

Thanks guys

Because what's the holiday season without some Aretha teasing?

I mean, seriously, Aretha, first the spaghetti straps, now this. We need to hold a fashion intervention, stat. What is that part your head is poking through? You kind of look like Kenny from South Park. I'm sure everyone at the Rockefeller tree lighting were just enamored by your wardrobe choices...it's nearly as festive as the tree. Honey, the dress ain't that special that you had to show it off (and still manage to keep your neck warm).

WTF?

So we know Kvetchette has had a little bit of dust on it, lately -- Ette1 was busy getting married off into the Miller clan, and I've just been...well, busy with life's have-tos and what-nots -- and we fully intend to get back on the horse and bring you the funny. We're just taking a breather, because honestly, none of you are loyal readers anyway, so if you don't care about us why should we care about you?


Well in my time away from the site I guess I hadn't noticed that our one lonely Google ad (that by the way, has netted us no money, so I don't even know why I am doing them any favors putting their name on my blog, we all know Google ain't putting my name on THEIR blog, so...), anyway, our one lonely Google ad featured this brilliant product, above.

Thai Brides? Seriously, Googles? This is the best you can provide me with? Have you wasted ALL the good thumbnail ads on more important people? All the Snuggie ads? I'll even take an old Girls Gone Wild promo! But seriously, Thai Brides?? What about Kvetchette says to Googles computer generated ad-placement, mail order brides from friggin Thailand?

Fail.

Parenting 101

Seriously Katie? Is there a reason why your 3-year-old should be wearing high heels? This picture is ridiculous. This shit has got to stop. I'm sick of celebs who complain about paparazzi dressing their kids up for photo ops. I'm talking to you Gwen Stefani and your kid's bleach blonde hair, and to you too Angelina with your kid's mohawks. Are they so unappealing that you need to adorn them with jewelry and edgy hairstyles to make them interesting to others? Guess what, they are rich - they will find friends just fine. Good parents let their kids be ugly and awkward and wait until they are at least 15 before paying for their plastic surgery. Right Mom?!

A new way to make pumpkin pie

Happy Turkey Day, readerettes. Enjoy your families. Our incessant complaining will return shortly.

She's taken, fellas

This past Saturday, Ette1 did what she swore on this very blog that she would never have the chance to do. She was convinced, at times, that she would NEVER get married. That she would NEVER have a husband. That she would be an old maid, a spinster, while ALLLLLL of her friends around her got hitched. We all rolled our eyes at her, told her she was crazy, told her that it would happen to her. But Ette1 is a stubborn gal, and she didn't want to hear it. So she kvetched. To all of you.

And now, my friends, she too is hitched. So, readerettes, if I were you, I would be mad at her. Because really, she made you all feel sorry for her, like she was an old hag. She made you feel like she would be alone forever. And yet on Saturday, she sashayed down the Puerto Rican aisle as the most beautiful bride you've ever seen and married her best friend. She glowed. She sparkled (not literally, that would be bad - no, she sparkled figuratively). She grinned ear to ear. She looked like a goddess in her hourglass, trumpet-bottomed gown. Her curls in stunning, island ringlets, her lashes long and sexy. She was a vision. Oh, and Pants cleans up well too. ; )

We danced, we celebrated, we did the hora (which felt much more authentic because there were "real" Israelis there), we got our Jew on. We had a BLAST. We ate amazing foods (hello, Lupi's). We spent rainstorms in hot tubs (pretty fun). We swam with jellyfish (not so fun). We played "Who Am I" while drinking margaritas and laughing our faces off (so fun). It was the perfect wedding weekend.

So let Ette1 know how pissed off you are at her that you wasted your worry on a gal that made the most beautiful bride, a gal who had the sweetest ceremony, a gal who married the love of her life. Because really -- we have bigger fish to fry right now. Like the fact that Oprah is only going to be on television for another 365 days or so. Talk about worry...who will tell us how to feel once she's gone??



(Congrats, Ette1 and Pants. I love Jew both!)

Lost in translation

מי שמבין את החומר הזה

So as you know I'm a big JOOOOOO, and like most members I have assorted family in Israel. We stay connected via our once a decade visit here or there and now through the luxury of technology facebook. Trouble is because they live in a third world country - them JOOOOOs don't talk English. So when I post pics of my adorable niece or my dad they write comments in Hebrew and like most American JOOOOOOs, Hebrew don't mean shit to me and I can't understand those weird looking symbols they write with. So I have to use some Hebrew to English translator online, which also apparently doesn't understand Hebrew, because here's a snippet of some of their translations, for real.

• Family stunning charming little
• Score lovely granddaughter and you good luck Foundation
• Image stunning lovely granddaughter, Ilan, Biondi brother love miss precious Score
• Hey Zion I know a liar would not understand why I'm writing you. I see your photos exciting I miss the lovely Alexandra. Tell everyone that hot hot with kisses.
• How you like my father Score

Calories, shmalories

I don't know about you, but I'm opposed to this whole "nutritional content" divulge we're seeing everywhere. Give me a break, America, will ya? Is it not bad enough that I'm bombarded with ads and directives to work out more, stop eating red meat, quit smoking, work smarter, network faster, make more money, invest that money, live better, wipe my toosh a certain way...that now I'm being assaulted with the reality of how bad everything I eat is.

Seriously...we're going to create a nation of nannypoos if we keep this up. We already force our kids to wear helmets from the second they leave the house until they're hospital tucked into their beds at night. We sprinkle all sorts of weird "supplement" powders into our cereals and pop gingko biloba pills chased with coffee. We friggin wear eskimo boots in NY so our shins don't get frostbitten. Our kids are literally going to be walking around like delicate, Michael Jacksonesque frailties because we put fear into everything we do.

And now, on top of all THAT I have to stress about...now I know that my muffin this morning had 740 calories. Or actually, the muffin I WOULD have had if I didn't see that little bit of info. Instead I had nothing, and suffered the guilt all day of wondering how many calories are in each breath of air I take in.

And honestly...so-friggin-what if that order of medium french fries is 500 calories. They're f-ing French Fries and they taste good...doesn't that count for something?? I know there are "certain people" in "certain parts of our country" that could benefit from some portion control. But seriously, I don't think this is the way to reach them. These are not exactly the folks reading the little grid of nutritional info on products or menus. Those people don't care. They just want their ho-ho milkshakes and fried Snickers bars.

Tomorrow I'm gonna live dangerously and get that muffin. F you, skinny bitches.

I lost my funny

So all I have to share is this...dead fly art. Enjoy.