---or, He's Sort of Into...All of You.
Let's ponder. Guy gets dissed on The Bachelorette - in front of all of America, his glassy, Visine-induced tears pleading for the nation (or the TV-execs) to take pity on his non-love-finding soul and give him more airtime. So they give this douche his own show. "ooh, how brilliant! The love-scorned bachelor-to-be becomes The Bachelor and we continue the saga." Yay for you. And these TV execs are probably getting paid bonuses that rival Wall Streeters.
So anyway, they give this guy the spotlight to find his leading lady. He blows through 20 of them (some literally, I imagine, giving the sounds you hear behind closed doors), giving each the same pitiful lines (does this guy not remember that all of this is being filmed and will come out later that he used the same stupid lines on each of them??) He pimps his kid Ty out on national TV - gotta find a hot Milf-y stepmom for you, son...where is this kid's mother through this all?? She gets the big Loser sticker for this one, as dad's in and out of hot tubs with the bikini clad biatches and "Ty" is asleep in the other room...what is this - The Flavor of Love??
Anyway, so guy breaks all the hearts as he's supposed to do for the show, and it's down to two lucky ladies, Molly and Melissa. They both profess their love to him, in the form of "It's so unbelievable, but I've completely fallen in love with you." Yeah, no you haven't. You've fallen in love with the fame, and with the prospect of a fatty Neil Lane diamond and all the potential Good Morning America's and Trista and Ryan-esque sponsor deals you might come into. But whatev - they say they're in love, who am I to judge? So anyway, he chooses Melissa. He breaks Molly's heart in the process, telling her, "you have to know everything we had was so real, from the very beginning I was falling for you...and you, and you, and you (points to each of the girls past)."
So Molly goes home, heartbroken - she tells him on her way out, "you're making a big mistake, Mister." Well, as luck would have it, Molly was right. So last night, this D O U C H E brings Melissa back in front of the world to tell her, "hey, I know we've only been engaged for 6 weeks now, and I professed my love to you and chose you but I made a mistake, and I am not falling for you anymore, I love Molly." And takes the f-ing FREE RING that Neil Lane provided him with back from her. And then to just put salt on the wound, and really drive home ratings, they bring Molly back out for a reunion and he professes his love to her - all of five minutes later. She gleefully accepts with open arms.
Now Molly, we have to talk. I wanted to like you. I did like you. Until last night when you made a complete ass of yourself in front of the world by taking this guy back after everything you've watched on the show since it started airing. You've now seen all the juicy, behind the scenes details, the embraces, the "I'm falling HARD for you" bull hicky. You watched with your own eyes his half-arsed proposal (it could have only been half-arsed, he's only known her a few weeks anyway and he was making out with 14 other girls during their entire courtship - sounds like a keeper!) and now you want to pick up where you left off? Girl, you are beautiful. You seem pretty smart, normal, nice. All I have to say is "you are making a mistake." Run like hell. Love isn't supposed to smell like some other woman's DKNY perfume. And that ring isn't supposed to be warm from someone else's finger. It's a sham. If you want to know what real love is like, come visit H-ette and I. You'll see what our interaction signifies. He farts, I laugh. I snort while laughing, he laughs. This is love. You'll see.
Let's ponder. Guy gets dissed on The Bachelorette - in front of all of America, his glassy, Visine-induced tears pleading for the nation (or the TV-execs) to take pity on his non-love-finding soul and give him more airtime. So they give this douche his own show. "ooh, how brilliant! The love-scorned bachelor-to-be becomes The Bachelor and we continue the saga." Yay for you. And these TV execs are probably getting paid bonuses that rival Wall Streeters.
So anyway, they give this guy the spotlight to find his leading lady. He blows through 20 of them (some literally, I imagine, giving the sounds you hear behind closed doors), giving each the same pitiful lines (does this guy not remember that all of this is being filmed and will come out later that he used the same stupid lines on each of them??) He pimps his kid Ty out on national TV - gotta find a hot Milf-y stepmom for you, son...where is this kid's mother through this all?? She gets the big Loser sticker for this one, as dad's in and out of hot tubs with the bikini clad biatches and "Ty" is asleep in the other room...what is this - The Flavor of Love??
Anyway, so guy breaks all the hearts as he's supposed to do for the show, and it's down to two lucky ladies, Molly and Melissa. They both profess their love to him, in the form of "It's so unbelievable, but I've completely fallen in love with you." Yeah, no you haven't. You've fallen in love with the fame, and with the prospect of a fatty Neil Lane diamond and all the potential Good Morning America's and Trista and Ryan-esque sponsor deals you might come into. But whatev - they say they're in love, who am I to judge? So anyway, he chooses Melissa. He breaks Molly's heart in the process, telling her, "you have to know everything we had was so real, from the very beginning I was falling for you...and you, and you, and you (points to each of the girls past)."
So Molly goes home, heartbroken - she tells him on her way out, "you're making a big mistake, Mister." Well, as luck would have it, Molly was right. So last night, this D O U C H E brings Melissa back in front of the world to tell her, "hey, I know we've only been engaged for 6 weeks now, and I professed my love to you and chose you but I made a mistake, and I am not falling for you anymore, I love Molly." And takes the f-ing FREE RING that Neil Lane provided him with back from her. And then to just put salt on the wound, and really drive home ratings, they bring Molly back out for a reunion and he professes his love to her - all of five minutes later. She gleefully accepts with open arms.
Now Molly, we have to talk. I wanted to like you. I did like you. Until last night when you made a complete ass of yourself in front of the world by taking this guy back after everything you've watched on the show since it started airing. You've now seen all the juicy, behind the scenes details, the embraces, the "I'm falling HARD for you" bull hicky. You watched with your own eyes his half-arsed proposal (it could have only been half-arsed, he's only known her a few weeks anyway and he was making out with 14 other girls during their entire courtship - sounds like a keeper!) and now you want to pick up where you left off? Girl, you are beautiful. You seem pretty smart, normal, nice. All I have to say is "you are making a mistake." Run like hell. Love isn't supposed to smell like some other woman's DKNY perfume. And that ring isn't supposed to be warm from someone else's finger. It's a sham. If you want to know what real love is like, come visit H-ette and I. You'll see what our interaction signifies. He farts, I laugh. I snort while laughing, he laughs. This is love. You'll see.
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