Halloween for Jews!

It's Purim and before you enjoy your scrumptious triangle cookies, let me tell you why we celebrate today. (BTW no one freaking gifted me any cookies, which kind of ticks me off - it's my year of getting gifts, engagement, 30th bday, wedding - I'm used to people giving me stuff - Pants/Sisette maybe think about that - let's keep this ball rolling, no prune flavor though.) Anyway, here's how the story goes.

Hot Jewess, with non-hot Jew name Esther, catches the Persian king's eye, we'll call him Achu (his name always reminded me of a sneeze). So Achu is into her big Jew booty and he invites her to join his harem - but she keeps her Jewiness to herself, because it's hard out there for a Jew. Achu has an evil henchman named Haman who wears a stupid hat and hates on us because we're so pimpin. He especially hates Esther's uncle who is an out of the closet Jew because he won't bow down or some shit like that. So Haman the henchman gets all up in the kings ear and is like "yo those Jews got to go," and stupid Achu is like "whatevs, do what you want, I'm busy with a harem of bitches up in this piece." So of course Esther and her uncle Manishevitz freak out and try to figure out a plan to stop Haman. Since women do all the work, Esther fasted for three days to get really tight and in shape and then went to the king and was like "if you want any of my hot Jew booty anymore, you got to stop Haman." Achu was like, "man did you lose some weight - looking good baby" and then hangs Haman.

I don't really know if there is a moral to the story. I think it might be that skinny people usually get their way, or that Jewish women can be manipulative. Either way, we celebrate. We do so by dressing up like the characters in the story and eating triangle cookies that remind us of Haman's hat - I don't really understand why but we're eating cookies so I don't question.

Happy Purim!!