Bathrobes

Why do bathrobes never seem to fit me? I see other ladies in bathrobes (at the spa, or on TV, or at a friend's house) and the robes seem to meld to their body and keep all their bits in place while keeping them covered and comfy and warm. Not I. No, I've tried many different robes. Cashmere, terrycloth, terrycloth lined with cashmere. And the robe always makes me look and feel like one of those beat up, saggy crack addicts. In movies, people answer the door in their robes, have full on conversations with strangers. I would be horrified if anyone saw me in my robe. My boobs hang down and refuse to stay behind the criss-cross front; one inevitably peeks it's head out as if to sing "don't you, forget about me...don't don't don't don't..." The belt NEVER stays tied. I could use a Boy Scout approved triple samurai knot and that damn belt finds a way to loosen itself, which of course loosens the robe, which of course leads to full exposure. Aside from the fact that I have to tie the belt up under my boobs because anywhere else and I look like a fat beached whale - gotta nip that sucker in at the "true" waist to at least lessen the blow. My final quip? Below the belt. That damn area always rides up and opens, exposing my legs and inner thighs, which really is the worst offense of all. So there I stand with one boob flopped out of the top, my thighs shaking vulnerably for the world to see, and my belt coming untied. What about this says comfortable attire?

F robes. It's a conspiracy as far as I'm concerned. Maybe if they made one that had a rubber lining...then we can talk. Until then, robes can suck it.