Articles like this are the reason people don't read

This brilliant ditty was featured on theknot.com, the 'ole 'getting married' website for chicks. Now, Pants and H-ette, maybe you can prove me wrong here, but I'm fairly certain these signs didn't apply when you decided ya'll wanted to spend the rest of your long, healthy lives with us Ettes. Below are the knot's seven signs he's about to propose - and my commentary repudiating each:

Seven Signs He's About to Propose

The Knot

1. He's Growing out of His Bachelor Ways
um, this could simply be because he's like 49 years old and realizes that it's not so attractive anymore for him to be living in a pizza box den with his flicked boogers stuck to the iron futon frame he both hangs out and sleeps on.

2. He's Redecorating
see number one. Futon. Beer cans. Pizza boxes. Artwork purchased at Bed Bath and Beyond. It could merely be time for an upgrade.

3. He's Curbing Big Purchases
It's because his ass is broke. He ain't got no job. He ain't got shit to do. He's saving what funds he has for those new Nikes and a bag of weed.

4. He's Not Complaining About Weddings
He's not complaining about weddings, he's complaining about the economy. And that Netflix sent the wrong DVD. And that his snow tires are ugly. And there's nothing to drink in the house.

5. He's Taken an Interest in Your Jewelry
He may have a secret life pulling off jewelry heists for all you know - and he's trying to learn more about jewels. Unless he specifically says to you, 'what's your left ring finger size,' him taking an interest in the pearl necklace in your jewelry roll means one of two things - he's playing dress up when you are not around or he's a thief.

6. He Wants to Meet the Parents
If he hasn't met your parents yet, this is problem number one. You ain't even close to a proposal, sister. He is not even considering marrying you until long after he has met your mother and had a long, long time to let it sink in that some of those 'issues' may be genetic, and he 'may' see them re-emerge at some point during your relationship. This may also involve a go at counseling. I'm just saying.

7. He's Acting out of Character
Wow. If theknot thinks that a man acting out of character means he is about to propose, than slap me around and call me Suzy. I know men don't 'act out of character' as frequently as women do, but c'mon. He could have simply come across some unexpected porn in his online quest - you know, the kind where you search for Assmaster and you get Margaret Cho.