From now on I'm weighing myself first thing in the am

Those close to me know I've been hitting the gym pretty regularly lately. And by "hitting" I mean, going and doing 30 minutes of pretty easy, non-sweaty cardio on the elliptical while watching an old episode of some stupid VH1 charm school/dating show, and then promptly packing up and going home for a big meal on the couch while I watch an episode of some MTV real world / challenge type show. Those who know me understand that that's quite a stretch from my normal routine of "hitting" the grocery store and then heading home for the couch / meal / TV combo. The sad part is despite my energetic efforts, I've yet to see a change in the scale. Of course I weigh myself everyday after my evening workout, becasue the only point to workout really is too see the pounds fall away, but that stupid scale doesn't budge. It's firmly at a number I do not wish to share with you. Annoying right. Well this weekend I worked out in the am and guess what, two pounds down. What does that mean? I will only weigh myself in the morning from now on. My official weight will be my 9 am weight, before I eat anything, before my body has a chance to bloat, etc. No more of this 7 pm heaftyess for me. Additionally, I've decided my workout clothes weigh five pounds. They must right? All that heavy cotton! That sports bra has to have a ton of big strong elastic to keep my girls from knocking me in the eye when I run, that's probably two pounds right there. Also, you can't really count my hair can you - all big and curly and long, that's got to have some girth that's adding to the overall. I'm not going to count it, down another pound. So in all, not so bad huh, what's that eight pounds down?! Seems my workouts have paid off, I'm actually much thinner than I appear.

It's hard work to look good.

And not just the bod...I'm talkin the landscaping, people. Workin' the fields is a full-time job. And some people are just cut out for it. This girl was not built for manual labor I can tell you that right now. I tried telling H-ette that before he went and bought us a small town, i.e. 1.5 acres to manage. That's like an entire city block, for you NY folk. Seriously. And it's almost all grass, and H-ette and I do all the work. He puts the overalls on and rides the mower around, cutting the grass. I put my big straw hat on and knee pads and weed, weed, weed. I stake the flowers, I cut the flowers, I watch the flowers die, I unstake them. It's like a perilous fight, and I'm on the losing end. Our ground is so friggin fertile, as soon as I pick a weed, there's a new one, with a face on it and all, that pops up from the soil and looks me square in the face, like, "what...what are you gonna do about it?" Swear. I guess there is a moral to the story here. Well, maybe there are a few.

1. When buying a house, make sure you get in writing that there shall be a gardener and a maid that come with the deal.
   
2. When buying a house, stick to enough land that you can see with your naked eye. Like, the kind of yard you'd be able to run around once and not be completely winded.
3. When planting a garden, be advised that once things start to grow, they G R O W. And thus, planting 12 varieties of tomatoes might sound like a hedonistic suburban pleasure, but when those suckers start to grow, you will have hundreds of tomatoes. What you do with these tomatoes is up to you. It won't be pretty.
4. When moving to the suburbs, just get over yourself and get rid of all your cute, designer clothes. Those days are over. Your ass will be shopping for fashion at Target for the next 20 years. You'll need outfits that can take you from work, to the grocery store, to run errands, to pulling stupid weeds in the garden, to cleaning the godforsaken house that is swimming with dust (see previous post on dust). Your Theory, Tracey Reese, Marc Jacobs, Nanette Lepore days are gone. The quicker you admit this and move on the easier the break up will be.
   

On the plus side? I'm sitting outdoors on my patio, barefoot, as I type this, staring into my lush, fertile veggie garden, drinking a margarita on the rocks, in perfect 72 degree weather. Where are you?

Compromises are the key to life.

Poor Lucky

This video is awesome. This girl Mya is awesome. Her poor fish Lucky, is not so lucky. Watch it. Laugh. And if you're like me, be reminded that kids can be really cute. Sometimes.

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Oh yeah you were hiking

What is wrong with freaking men. A Governor goes missing - to shack up with some south of the border ho? It's crazy. It's one thing for Jon to want some space from his thousand kids and cranky wife, but a freaking Governor steps out on the whole state?! What did this woman have in her pants that was worth all of this.

The moral of this story is:
a. don't go hiking
b. don't marry anyone who is even remotely interested in politics
c. basically don't marry a man - they are all big cheaters (except for pants if he knows what's good for him)
d. never trust an argentinian
e. never trust a republican

Perez Hilton totally jumped the shark

Don't you think? It's fun to go to his site and make fun of celebs and all, but who the hell cares about him as a person and his fight with some roadie. I'm frankly shocked that this was the first time someone decked him. I bet there are like at least 49,000 people in Hollywood who want to see him get hurt pretty bad. And he's twittering to tell people to call the police? Seriously? Just call the freaking police dude. So I'm pretty much over him now. I've moved on to Dlisted. Number one they are way funnier and meaner, which I like of course. And there's lots of good content for me to steal for our site. (Don't mention that to them please.) And they don't make themselves the story of the day, which I appreciate (although of course I don't follow that rule, everything I write is about me.)

In sad relationship news...

It happened, Jon & Kate are divorcing. I'm totally devastated. Obviously it's completely Jon's fault. He's young and wants to party instead of working things out like a man is supposed to do.
I hope Kate meets some big, rich, hot guy who appreciates a strong woman and she marries him and they live happily with all their million kids, and Jon just continues to go bald all over his head except the hairline on his forehead since those are plugs with those freaking ridiculous diamond earrings in both ears, looking like a total loser. Oh and I hope that stupid teacher bitch he is cheating with falls down a well or something.

Who will be my role model couple now? Tori and Dean? Oy

Oh well, fly with angels.

Still Swiney

A girl in my office just found out her brother has the Swine. Crazy right?! I thought we were done with that, but now it's entered my environment. I obviously cordoned off her area, so that her germs stay safely on her desk and not in my totally anti-bac-ed space, but still. I'm already feeling a little ill. Major headache, itchy eyes. Allergies you say? Doubtful. I think I'm coming down with the pig too - which is seriously unfair because I only tried bacon once and didn't even like it that much. That said, I bet having the flu makes you totally lose weight. I've been schlepping my big butt to the gym everyday trying to get in wedding shape - and obviously I freaking hate it. Maybe what I need to do is get the freaking swine and then I can sit back and relax in my hospital room, while the only thing I consume is intravenous fluids - which are seriously low in calories. Ok, it's decided, I'm going to go lick her or something to get the pig on me.

P.S. yes Brette - it is your future wife in that pic!
P.P.S. can you believe I spelled intravenous right?!

Facebook don'ts

I'm sure we've covered this in previous posts. But here are some big Facebook dont's.

Do Not:

• Post your feelings about the weather. Rain blows, we get it.
• Tell us how happy you are about today for whatever reason. If you are happy good for you, but I'm not happy and it does not make me happy to see that you are, it basically makes me wish that you become unhappy.
  
• Post about what you are doing on your vacation. I don't want to hear that you are at the spa, or are drinking mojitos, or are enjoying lunch on the beach. F you. I'm at work.
  
• Tell me what TV or Movie character you are most like. I think you are most like a loser.
• Tag me in pictures where I look fat and ugly. I need pre-approval on that shit.

What's up with dust?

I don't really understand...I clean CONSTANTLY. I am forever wiping surfaces down and yet dust seems to take over, every little crevice, every surface it can latch it's fuzzy little self to. I know it's kind of gross, but most of dust is dead skin and pet dander. So I guess a better question is, do H-ette and I shed more skin than normal people? Why is it that most houses I walk into are completely dust-less, their surfaces gleaming and glossy as if nary a dust particle has ever settled onto the furnishings? Yet, as I am wiping down my dresser with Pledge and a special rag I paid $9.95 for because it swears it eliminates dust -- just as soon as I've wiped the dang surface -- I can watch the f-ing dust settling back down onto it. If my dust could talk it would probably tell me to exfoliate more. So instead, dust puts me in a bad mood, b/c I really hate seeing my own skin settled on my jewelry box - there's something so...just not right about that. And then my bad mood puts H-ette in a bad mood b/c I can't possibly tell him I'm in a bad mood over dust, because I would surely look completely insane for letting an inanimate nuisance like dead skin ruin my mood...so I just get bitchy. And then he gets moody, b/c he doesn't know what's wrong, and then next thing you know, we're arguing with each other and it all started over my dead skin.

Another Great Website

called, Happiest People Ever. And boy, does it show....

ew

I don't know where I saw this, but there was some article talking about Megan Fox having big toes for thumbs. In fact she might have even said it about herself. She's one of those totally annoying pretty girls that are always acting so insecure, like she doesn't understand why guys think she's hot when she's posing in a bikini for Maxim. Stupid. Anyway now there are close ups of her thumbs and they kinda are toe-like. Gross. She beats Teresa and her no forehead for weirdest body thing of the week.

Ain't It Purdy?

an artsy fartsy cloudtag of all the important words we provide you here on kvetchette.

Don't you kinda hate Ryan Seacrest

This made me feel a little better about him being all famous and rich now. At least he paid his dues.

How scary was that thunderstorm last night?

Man did it rain last night. I woke up at 2:41 am because my 3 pound dog jumped into bed and needed a cuddle - I quickly realized why. It was the scariest freaking thunderstorm ever. Major loud, cracking thunder directly above our heads and serious hot lightening almost reaching in through our window. Of course I woke Pants up to hold my hand, because hand-holding equals protection from thunder obviously. But while I laid awake it got me thinking. I'm sure I learned at some point in my education why thunder happens, but I couldn't for the life of me give you the answer now. I know we're a ways off from kids, but I need to figure out a good answer. I'm sure I'll be asked one day, and "god bowling" isn't gonna cut it.

I'll also need answers to these questions. They are all normal everyday things/concepts that work - but I have no clue how.

• Airplanes: Still not quite sure how a giant, zillion pound machine can drive kinda fast and then just take off and fly in the air for extended hours until it's time to slow down and land.
• Planets and Galaxies: I sort of understand how a telescope works but I'm not so sure about how we know that are a ton of galaxies with millions of stars in them. Basically if we haven't been there, there's no real proof as far as I'm concerned.
  
• Those pictures where if you stare hard enough, or relax your eyes or some shit you see another picture inside. No freaking clue, I never see the other picture.
  
• Snowflakes all being different: Really? Not so sure
• Renee Zellweger: Why is she famous?

What I learned from the movie The Hangover

In no particular order:

1. What happens in Vegas is very, very bad and so you should never let anyone you even slightly care about go.
2. If by chance your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend goes to Vegas without you, before you let them in your bed again, you should call The Little Vegas Wedding Chapel and make sure they didn't have your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend's name on Friday night's ceremony list.
3. Tigers in bathrooms are never a good idea.
   
4. Heather Graham is still hot. Where has she been? Has she even done anything since Boogie Nights? Good to see you back, Roller Girl.
   
5. Mike Tyson is really really funny. At least when he sings Phil Collins out loud he is. The other 1:35 seconds of his cameo were pretty awful, just like you would expect from the beast.
   
6. Roofies are not a good idea. Ever. Never ever.
7. Little Asian men with really outlandish, exaggerated gay accents are funny -- it doesn't matter what they are saying. It works.
8. It's really funny to pull up to your friend's house and honk the horn and yell obscenities really loudly until they come outside. Ette1, you're lucky you live on the 17th floor and can't hear me, or that's how I'd be picking your ass up.

Go see it.

I still think it's funny

Here's an ad from across the pond that tries to show people how stupid they look when they are drunk and do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. Except that I find it funny...especially when he tells the girl she's ugly. What do you think?

what exactly is going on here?

Was Gwynnie oil wrestling minutes before her appearance on the Tonight Show last night? I think this assistant should be fired...someone let her go on stage looking like a greased up bodybuilder. Note picture on the right, after a commercial break - someone obviously sponged her off...thankfully. Poor goopy Gwynnie...

Work appropriate footwear

There should be an unwritten office rule about shoe etiquette. But since there’s not, and even if there were, most offenders probably would still offend, so I’m going to go ‘head and call you suckers out:

1) If you work on a floor other than the ground level, and your office is too cool for carpet, there should be a doorman checking heels in the morning. That shit is ridiculously annoying when you are beneath some clod-hoppers shuffling back and forth all day, acting out each step with such vehement aggression. You are not an elephant. You are a woman. Stop walking with all your weight into each and every step. If you can’t figure out a quieter way to carry yourself, invest in some thick-soled slippers for the office.

2) Cut this clickety crap out. If you must wear mules to work, and your mules don’t have silencers on them, grip your toes tighter when you walk, or something. The click, clack of your heel lifting off the back of your shoe at every step is unnerving and it makes me want to trip you.

3) If you wear flip flops to work, and you know who you are…PULEASE pick your damn feet up off the ground. The shuffling you do, with rubber meeting carpet/wood/concrete/tar is like nails on a chalkboard. Twelve year old's do this b/c they think it’s cute, or they’re lazy, or they like the sound because they’re not human. But we adults, we can’t stand it, and while we may not tell you to your face, we secretly wish your flip flop would fly off your foot and lead you into oncoming traffic.

4) Mandals. They are completely inappropriate wherever you work. I don't care if you work in a gay bar, in an ad agency (which is sort of also like a gay bar), at a record label or at the local Banana Republic. It's wrong. I don't want to see your hairy toes and unkempt toenails. Leave the mandals at home for when you BBQ for the fam, or go on a boat. Or on vacay. Not for the conference room for everyone to have to live with for an hour long meeting.

There you have it – I don’t think I’ve left any offenders out.

I’ve learned the secret to making money in NY.

Let’s break it down:

Who has a lot of money to spend: UES yuppy couples with new kids

What do they want to spend money on: Their kids (and the servants who service their kids – maids, nannies, etc)

What makes them feel good about themselves: Finding activities that makes their kids happy and keeps them occupied

Enter:

The kiddie singer. Here’s how you achieve this:

• Put on a floppy hat and feather boa
• Add a few sequins for good measure
• Come up with 3-4 really dumb, but annoyingly catchy songs
• Include references to UES places the parents may already know, they love that
• Good signing voice not required
• Talent essentially not required
• Give yourself a stupid but catchy name, it should end in “ey”, and make it short so the kiddies can remember it
• Play at the 92nd street Y, especially on rainy days when the nannies can’t take the kids to the park, and also the local kid-friendly diner where you are bound to run into local kiddies and start a following amongst the nanny crowd

Kids have a knack for remembering catchy songs. Think about it, I bet you can sing every word to Twinkle Twinkle right now – but when’s the last time you sang that song? It’s burned into our brains at 2-year-old and stays with us. This is the same concept. Get the kids early with song and you own them and their parents at least for 5 years, the marketing options are endless. We’ll call this the “Barney Effect.”

So once you have those basics together, here’s how you make the money:

• Record a “cd” of your “music” and sell for 20 dollars a pop – parents will buy because their kid is already singing your songs and it puts them in their happy place and that puts the parents in theirs
• Offer your services for birthday parties – you’ll charge $500+ per appearance – parents will pay because you are a kiddie star and all the other parents will be jealous
• Quit your day job and enjoy watching the cash pile up

There you have it. Recession-proof business opportunities. You’re welcome.