Work appropriate footwear

There should be an unwritten office rule about shoe etiquette. But since there’s not, and even if there were, most offenders probably would still offend, so I’m going to go ‘head and call you suckers out:

1) If you work on a floor other than the ground level, and your office is too cool for carpet, there should be a doorman checking heels in the morning. That shit is ridiculously annoying when you are beneath some clod-hoppers shuffling back and forth all day, acting out each step with such vehement aggression. You are not an elephant. You are a woman. Stop walking with all your weight into each and every step. If you can’t figure out a quieter way to carry yourself, invest in some thick-soled slippers for the office.

2) Cut this clickety crap out. If you must wear mules to work, and your mules don’t have silencers on them, grip your toes tighter when you walk, or something. The click, clack of your heel lifting off the back of your shoe at every step is unnerving and it makes me want to trip you.

3) If you wear flip flops to work, and you know who you are…PULEASE pick your damn feet up off the ground. The shuffling you do, with rubber meeting carpet/wood/concrete/tar is like nails on a chalkboard. Twelve year old's do this b/c they think it’s cute, or they’re lazy, or they like the sound because they’re not human. But we adults, we can’t stand it, and while we may not tell you to your face, we secretly wish your flip flop would fly off your foot and lead you into oncoming traffic.

4) Mandals. They are completely inappropriate wherever you work. I don't care if you work in a gay bar, in an ad agency (which is sort of also like a gay bar), at a record label or at the local Banana Republic. It's wrong. I don't want to see your hairy toes and unkempt toenails. Leave the mandals at home for when you BBQ for the fam, or go on a boat. Or on vacay. Not for the conference room for everyone to have to live with for an hour long meeting.

There you have it – I don’t think I’ve left any offenders out.