Bite her already

Our very own Ette1 has an unhealthy obsession with Edward Cullen, aka Twilight vamp, and I'm here to help her through it. She is comparing everyone and every convo she has to vampy teen heartthrob Robert Pattinson. She's hoping Pants will turn into a cold-hearted vampire and get all mysterious, with big coifed hair and weird eyes and way too defined cheekbones (what's he housing in there anyway, a boomerang??). Here are my issues with this:

1. Vamps aren't Jewish. No way Jews are sucking blood from any neck. The only thing Jews suck on is a chicken bone from the matzah ball pot, and that's only if they're real Jewy. Although some of us do eat tongue, which is questionable, but that's a post for another time...
   
2. Vamps don't age, which means Pants would get to stay all young and glorious and then what if he doesn't vamp-convert you, and you get old while he stays young? That's too risky.
3. Edward's hair is ridiculous. It's sort of like a bullet-proof cone of cotton candy, and it makes me nervous. No man should have a wall like that above his forehead.
4. He's so pale, in a kind of jaundice yellow meets Icelandic Bjork kind of way, and his skin is super cold. What about this says "I want to get close to you?" I like a good snuggle, and nothing about cold, wan, paleness says "get close to me." It says bundle my frail ass up in a blanket. Or maybe a slanket.
   
5. The whole breezing through the woods and up trees at warped speeds thing? That's sooo Matrix. There's something to the whole "fashionably late" thing, and getting there like 5 hours before everyone else just makes you a dork.
6. I don't want my man hunting down bears and deer and ripping their limbs off with his bare hands. I want my man to fix a flat tire for me with his bare hands. I want my man to fix broken things for me with his bare hands. Bears and deer need not apply.
7. I pass out at the sight of blood, and honestly, I'm pretty sure One is as big of a puss as I am, so I'm not sure who she's kidding with the old blood diet thing. Not happening.
8. Sparkling skin in the daytime makes shopping on Saturday's not so easy.

So there you have it. One, stick to what you know and keep Pants human. You guys get married in a few months and you can spend all of earth-eternity loving each other limb by limb. And if you must? Prick his finger with a needle and suck.