Hypocritical?

So I love One to bits and pieces. Almost as much as I love H-ette, she's like my number 2 number 1, which is good that she's called One because it makes it easy. But I have a wee gripe I need to put out there.

A couple of weeks ago, One experienced some "Buyer's Remorse" after having dinner with Pants, yours truly and H-ette. Whilst "she didn't taste the pork offerings," she proceeded after the fact to criticize the decision to "order" pork, the traifest of the traif, upholding her stature as the strong Jewish citizen that she is. Fine. I respect it. Lord knows everyone is entitled to their tolerance list. I get it.

However. Today, I opened my email to find an invitation to One's abode for Halloween festivities. Yes, Halloween - the pagan holiday which basically means "All Saints Eve." What else does Halloween symbolize, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Traditionally, the festival was used by the ancient pagans to take stock of supplies and slaughter livestock for winter. The ancient Gaels believed that on October 31st, now known as Halloween, the boundary between the living and the dead dissolved, and the dead became dangerous for the living by causing problems such as sickness or damaged crops. The festival would frequently involve bonfires, into which bones of slaughtered livestock were thrown.

Now I'm no Rabbi, but I'm fairly certain that this violates numerous Jew-laws. Believing the dead are infecting our meats, sacrificing the bony elbows of animals to a bonfire...these don't sound like Jew-friendly activities.

So I'm going to cut One some slack and offer her an opportunity to re-submit her invitation for celebration on Friday night. As it is, it is clearly interfering with my Shabbat celebration, so I propose we create a new holiday, which we can fuse together and everybody'll be happy. You can even invite angel baby dressed up as a strawberry - because at least strawberries are kosher.

I propose...

Challah-ween. The celebration of the braided doughy goodness we all know and love.

In lieu of Snickers, we will pass out those little sesame candies wrapped in clear plastic, even though they are just twist-tied closed and parents will question whether we have stuck needles in them. We're Jewish, and we're celebrating Challaween, and we don't do needles...that's what we'll tell 'em. We will also pass out the remainder of the surplus of dreidels from last year; we bought them in packs of 100 because the guy in the Jewish store on 44th Street told us to. And we will protest bacon. Because everyone knows that the best breakfasts involve one thing and one thing only. And that's CHALLAH.

Happy Challaween, readerettes. Have a safe and happy.