It's a MAN's World!

At long last... and many moons after being promised uncensored access to provide my inner most male-centric Kvetches, behold the musings and ramblings of Husbandette.

Rather than bore the Kvetchette faithful with the typical banter usually found here, I'd like to focus this almost certain one-time-only contribution where it belongs... on the complaints that we men have regarding ye' women. For discussion purposes only, "women" shall be defined as any and all of the following:

Wife, girlfriend, Mom, Nana, first-date chick, sugah-mama, FWB (friend with benefits), random hook-up, Mistress, Cleaning Lady, Dry-Cleaning Lady, Meter-Maid, and Mary Kay Saleswoman, etc.

1. Too much talking. We men are busy individuals. We have Madden tournaments to play in. Our visits to the throne are sacred (see #4). Playoff sports are in fact more important than almost anything you "have to talk to us about" excluding the phrases "my water just broke," "the Swedish Nanny agreed to have a 3-way!" or "Ummm... Honey, the FBI is at the front door, is there anything I should know?"

Now I am sure most women were foolishly led to believe at the onset of the relationship that we men actually like to talk. Heck, what other modus operandi are we to employ in order for you to actually believe that we're interested in helping the blind or donating cash to educate Nepalese children. I'm all for a lengthy chat about Sarah Palin's stunning level of stupidity or Brad Pitt's awesomely thick hair, but when it comes to wasting precious seconds discussing so-called "feelings" or "relationships," I would wager my 6-iron that most men would rather attend three successive defensive driving courses in August without air-conditioning.

2. We ALWAYS think you look GREAT! This is a major issue. If we had any clue that you'd need so much reassurance about your appearance, we might have reconsidered the relationship in the first place! Now in all fairness, most women probably do not realize how the male brain actually functions so it is fortunate that I have a few minutes to describe the process:

Woman: Hi babe, how was your day sweetheart?
Man: Ummm, it was nice.. and yours?
Translation from male inner monologue... uh oh, why is she being so nice?

Woman: So... notice anything?
Man: ...
Translation... I knew it. Hmmm, is it hair, shoes or liposuction?

Woman: You've gotta be kidding me, you don't even notice anything different about me do you?
Man: ...
Translation... I've got a 1 outta 3 chance here, screw it, I'm going hair.

Woman: BABE!!!
Man: Whoa, sorry... I was just so mesmerized by your hair, I couldn't summon the words...
Translation... Please let me be right so we don't have to spend the next two hours TALKING.

Maybe woman should try a new approach in this area. Instead of trying to draw blood from a stone, instead simply assert your gorgeousness with confidence and therefor your male counter party will do what his genetic makeup requires... which is to agree and reinforce!

3. MEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. At some point, there will be a moment of clarity for ALL women. I have heard of (but never seen) a few women in Finland who have reached this greater state of consciousness, but unfortunately no one has actually proven their existence. Just to be clear, although only very few men ACTUALLY ARE always correct about everything they think, say or do (myself and Pants included), it is the THEORY of #3 that is important.

Women, try a drill for this one. Remember when you were babysitting your 7-year-old cousin and he was absolutely certain that there were 52 states in the Union? He was so sure of himself and the argument had no end in sight. Do you recall when you actually just gave up and agreed with his ludicrous assertion and he finally shut up and went to sleep sucking on his thumb in false triumph? That's the lesson ladies, all men just want to nap with their thumbs in their mouths with the satisfaction that they are STILL right.

Get it? Got it? Good. Enough said.

4. Man is King and the bathroom is his domain. Why is this that WE should have to leave the toilet seat down? Clearly, women need the seat, so you should simply lower it when in use and return the seat to its unused position when the deed is done. How can the glorious and wise man be expected to fumble around with mechanic contraptions at 4 a.m. while also maintaining control of a powerful urine stream? Simply put... he cannot. It goes against every law of physics and biology.

We do not want anyone messing with our toiletries! Men have five basic devices/products/tools that are essential to our survival. These are, in no order of importance, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, razor and soap. We do not want you to put our toothpaste and toothbrush away in some designer pouch to be stored in the third drawer! If I wanted my toothbrush to be hidden away, I would have stored it in your underwear drawer just for laughs.

Additionally, "everyone loves their own brand." We men do not want to use ozone-layer depleting aerosols to mask the true nature of our delicious odors. Haven't any of you women read the literary gem "Everybody Poops?" If Men are to be deprived of absolute control over their Throne and all the lands within smellshot, then this just may be a world that I don't want to live in anymore.

5. Science has proven that Man was created without "bed-making" Chromosome. This point needs no explanation or clarification, simply re-read until memorized.

Unfortunately, that is all the time I have to entertain the Bored Faithful today. Ette2 is dangerously close by and I can sense her marathon DVR wathing session is about to end. It was a great pleasure and a true honor to represent the Supreme Gender today and although I shall most likely be banned from posting ever again... it was WELL worth it.

Sincerely, H-Ette