Rotten Apples

It's October and that means everybody and their niece is going apple picking. Brisk Fall weather, leaves turning, hay rides, whatever. It sounds like a lovely afternoon activity right? So much so, even I got sucked in last weekend. But the whole thing is a giant racket and these "farmers" are cleaning up the cash, while I'm basically immigrant labor. So we schlep out to an orchard near Boston, and wait in a line of cars 3 blocks deep. Everyone is going apple picking today. We finally park and slosh our way through muddy grounds to the main gate where we wait in a ridiculous line to buy our apple bags, along with hay ride tickets. We pay 17 bucks for their medium bag package, which includes a sack that holds probably 10 apples, and another mini bag that probably holds two or three, so the little ones you are with have something they can carry. When you do the math, it doesn't quite ad up. At the grocery store I can get an apple for like 50 cents each right - and I don't even have to climb a tree to pick them myself, so already I feel stupid for paying that much. I barely even like apples. So I didn't feel bad when my niece ate like four apples that never made it into the bag. Also didn't feel bad about tossing half the apples I picked cause they didn't look perfect. There was a big sign at the front gate that said they had a hail storm in the summer so much of the fruit was damaged. So now I'm paying premium prices for bruised fruit. If Fresh Direct came to my house with this stuff I'd have a fit and call customer service and make them refund the entire order for my inconvenience, but now I'm actually paying double for it. Nice. So we take off to the orchards and fill our sad little medium sized bags, while people with double wide strollers make their kids walk so they can fill up the seat with extra apples. What are they even going to do with all of them. I bet 80% of the apples end up going bad sitting in their gross, cheerio-crumb filled SUVs. We work up a fierce hunger after a few hours of picking and head over to the hot dog line. Literally an hour and a half later we are enjoying 5 dollar dogs, when we realized there was a totally separate line for donuts and apple cider. Bullshit. If we were smart, when we got to the front of the line, we would have hustled people at the end - we'd buy their dogs for a 15 bucks a pop. You get so hungry out there people would so do it. It would pay for these stupid apples that are just going to rot in my fridge anyway. But of course we didn't have the nerve. Before they day ended we stopped by the pumpkin patch so the little one could pick one out, then waited in another line to have it weighed so we could pay for that. Another stupid purchase. Finally we were ready to leave so we figure let's have the hay ride drop us off at the parking lot and avoid the long walk carrying pumpkins, apples and tired 1-year-olds. So we wait and wait in line for the tracker. An hour goes by before it creeps along, we're first in line so we jump right in and get the good seats at the front when they tell us this tracker doesn't go to the main lot, it goes back to the orchards. Fuck me. So off we go and drag our tired asses all the way across the farm. So here's how the day breaks down.

Expenditures:

• 25 dollars for hand picked apples and pumpkins
  
• 4 dollars for hay rides
  
• 35 dollars for hot dogs and drinks
  
• 250 dollars in ruined leather shoes from stupid orchard mud

Gains:

• 1 apple enjoyed on the ride home, 9 apples rotting in fridge
  
• A few cute pumpkin patch pictures

My advice to parents: Go to McDonalds and get your kids a hot apple pie and let them run around in the playground in the back. It's cleaner, cheaper and more convenient.