I am not an alcoholic.

And thank god for that. I was thinking today, on my way home from work (when all I could think about was the perfectly poured glass of Malbec I was going to savor the second I walked in the door), how crappy it must be to be an alcoholic. Like, I can't think of a more inconvenient thing to be addicted to. I mean, it's like the crux of your social existence, no matter who you are. Going to dinner with friends? Order cocktails at the bar before they seat you, and a bottle of wine at the table. It's just what you do. Saturday night out with the girls? What are you going to do, sit around with a cup of Chai tea and cry over some stupid chick flick? No siree. Drinks at a bar, that's how you roll. And not just one drink. Who has just one? Especially living in NYC, it's funny, actually, when you go to certain clubs they MAKE you buy a BOTTLE just in order to sit down. Comedy clubs? That'll be a two-drink minimum. What the hell do you do if you don't drink?

What about in it's most basic form -- stress relief. Aahh...there's not much better after a long hard day of pimping stylish home furnishings through your fabulously satirical copy than a tall glass of vino. Or on a hot summer night - it's a G&T all the way. What would I replace those with if I didn't drink?? I don't smoke, maybe I'd take that up again. Or be a pill-popper, they always look nice and skinny and have naturally smoky eyes thanks to the dark circles. Tres chic.

I went out on a date with a guy once. (H-ette, earmuffs please) I suggested we meet at a bar in the East Village. Once there, I immediately ordered a dirty vodka martini and proceeded to drink it before he showed up, to take the "edge" off. Then he arrived, sat down at the bar, I ordered round two, slurring my words only slightly, and he chose that inconvenient moment to tell me he doesn't drink. Bomb. Needless to say, that was our last date. What the hell do you do with a guy who doesn't drink? Lame-o.

In fact, if it weren't for alcohol, H-ette and I might not be here today as man and wife. Because it was during our first date that I really sealed the deal with my jolly, inebriated humor - I had him at Belvedere.

So moral of the story is, I'm terribly sorry to anyone out there who is an alcoholic. Your social life must blow, and you're probably not very much fun in stressful situations. I probably don't want to be your friend b/c I am just uncomfortable around teetotallers. Ya'll are weird and a tad awkward.

I gotta run, my wine glass is empty. Happy Fridays.