Last night I embarked on what can only be described as a torturous television experience. I decided, upon lying in bed exhausted, flipping through the channels, to give a chance to True Beauty - ABC's new reality show about stupid, brain dead, ethically empty pretty people. I know, that was mistake number one. But whatev, there was nothing else on, I had already watched Gossip Girl, caught up on all of the Chuck Bass drama...so I gave it a go. The sole reason I tortured myself through the ENTIRE hour of programming? For my art, people - so I could kvetch about it.
Here are my admissible-in-a-court-of-law reasons why there should be a class action lawsuit against ABC to repay people for their time spent watching this show:
1. The premise is retarded. Let's have a show with beautiful people who think they are there to win a prize for being the most beautiful person in America, but really it's about inside beauty, which they try to uncover by placing fake charity workers on sidewalks with buckets asking for money - who's gonna give to charity? Hmmm. New Yorker's basically come across 72 of these people each day on their way to and from the office...if we were to be judged on our "inner beauty" and goodness by whether we stop and drop a Washington in the jar, we'd all be broke, homeless and considered fiscally retarded.
2. The format of the show is retarded..."So-and-so, you get a value of $500,000 for how beautiful you are." WTF does that even mean to the common consumer? Just f-ing rate them on a scale of 1-10 and call it a day. AmIHotOrNot.com style. This dollar bit is bananas. I can't add, these pretty people can't add, they don't know which one is the winner, they each are holding their dollar signs with perplexed looks on their faces.
3. Vanessa Minnillo hosts. This was the dumbest mistake to date. She's lame. She's D-list, she has a raspy voice that she thinks sounds sexy but is so last year trashy, and she's dating Nick Lachey which makes it all worse. She laughs at the dumbest stuff, she thinks the stupidest of the bunch are "cute," it's just the blind leading the blind.
4. Vanessa's sidekicks, dumb and dumber. To the left, Cheryl Tiegs, who should have retired 60 years ago, with her legwarmers and pride in tact. She spends the whole show with this glazed over look, and very limited, slow responses, as if she's thinking 'I think maybe this is just a nightmare that my life has come to this - if I think real hard, I might wake up and be in Cabo.' To the right is Nole Marrin, whose claim to fame is being the stylist for the Tyra Banks show. Good god, if that's your claim to fame, you ought to not be making claims...this guy is gayer than a Triscuit and he praises the worst of the worst of the contestant's fashion choices...basically, he is interested in a hot tranny mess winning this show.
5. The porn-star worthy bottle blonde contestant who doesn't understand the different between S and Z. Everything iz drawn out and zhe zort of talkzz az if zhe haz a peniz in her mouz. Itz really the mozt annoying thing EVER.
That's enough, I have more to say but honestly, if that's not a lawsuit, I don't know what is.
Here are my admissible-in-a-court-of-law reasons why there should be a class action lawsuit against ABC to repay people for their time spent watching this show:
1. The premise is retarded. Let's have a show with beautiful people who think they are there to win a prize for being the most beautiful person in America, but really it's about inside beauty, which they try to uncover by placing fake charity workers on sidewalks with buckets asking for money - who's gonna give to charity? Hmmm. New Yorker's basically come across 72 of these people each day on their way to and from the office...if we were to be judged on our "inner beauty" and goodness by whether we stop and drop a Washington in the jar, we'd all be broke, homeless and considered fiscally retarded.
2. The format of the show is retarded..."So-and-so, you get a value of $500,000 for how beautiful you are." WTF does that even mean to the common consumer? Just f-ing rate them on a scale of 1-10 and call it a day. AmIHotOrNot.com style. This dollar bit is bananas. I can't add, these pretty people can't add, they don't know which one is the winner, they each are holding their dollar signs with perplexed looks on their faces.
3. Vanessa Minnillo hosts. This was the dumbest mistake to date. She's lame. She's D-list, she has a raspy voice that she thinks sounds sexy but is so last year trashy, and she's dating Nick Lachey which makes it all worse. She laughs at the dumbest stuff, she thinks the stupidest of the bunch are "cute," it's just the blind leading the blind.
4. Vanessa's sidekicks, dumb and dumber. To the left, Cheryl Tiegs, who should have retired 60 years ago, with her legwarmers and pride in tact. She spends the whole show with this glazed over look, and very limited, slow responses, as if she's thinking 'I think maybe this is just a nightmare that my life has come to this - if I think real hard, I might wake up and be in Cabo.' To the right is Nole Marrin, whose claim to fame is being the stylist for the Tyra Banks show. Good god, if that's your claim to fame, you ought to not be making claims...this guy is gayer than a Triscuit and he praises the worst of the worst of the contestant's fashion choices...basically, he is interested in a hot tranny mess winning this show.
5. The porn-star worthy bottle blonde contestant who doesn't understand the different between S and Z. Everything iz drawn out and zhe zort of talkzz az if zhe haz a peniz in her mouz. Itz really the mozt annoying thing EVER.
That's enough, I have more to say but honestly, if that's not a lawsuit, I don't know what is.
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