The Aleph Garden

1 is so creative and spunky and nostalgic...she decided it was going to be the coup de'gras on the ole' 30th birthday celebration to drag her besties to the Olive Garden in Chelsea. Yes, there's an Olive Garden in Manhattan - I didn't know either. And just like every other Manhattan irony, it sits beneath a NY Sports Club. So from the outside, you get Olive Garden guilt and windows above with crazy chicks going 400 miles an hour on treadmills. Only in New York, kids... So on to the Olive Garden experience. Having not been there myself in about 15 years, I was sort of excited to go back and experience this resto of my youth. H-ette was not so much - I tried to explain to him that only in NY is Olive Garden considered a theme restaurant of sorts - that in the rest of the country it's considered a great place to go for dinner on Friday night. He thinks I'm crazy. But I'm a firm believer that the OG is not starved for business. Made evident by the fact that we had to wait nearly 45 minutes for our "reservation" to be ready. I suppose that could just be part of their theme park experience...

On to the reason why we were there. Unlimited salad and breadsticks - duh. OG has changed up their policy however. They no longer bring out your breadsticks upon being seated. No, they wait for you to actually order entrees before they give up the goods. I guess the OG has a history of clientele who "breadsticks-and-bounce." Shocking.

The OG also now dedicates a page of its menu to the "nutritional" information for all its items. Which is kind of funny, really, because there's nothing nutritional about the OG. H-ette was considering ordering the "Tour of Italy" entree until I pointed out to him that it was 1,650 calories - sans breadsticks, salad, wine, dessert. Holy shit.

All that aside, dinner was surprisingly tasty. Loads of breadsticks were consumed, followed by tasty pastas and breaded meats and then gooey desserts that we definitely had no right eating at that point.

Ette1's Abba made a surprise appearance and graciously picked up the tab for the whole affair. He's a good man, that Israeli.

The evening was followed up with a visit to 1 and Pants' fancy hotel suite, where yours truly was mistaken for an actress and photographed out front by a sweet old papz. (Sorry, sweet lady, I lied to you when you asked me if I was that "young actress" and said yes...and then I posed with H-ette giving you a solid three angles, and really working your camera. I hope you didn't try to sell my picture to any paper, because I am not famous, and it only would have embarrassed us both.)

All in all, it was a great night. 1, I'll go to the Olive Garden with you any time. I suggest we wait until after your wedding, however, so you fit into your dress - I wouldn't want to be responsible for that - so we'll wait to become OG regulars until, you know, you become a 'wife' and you can let yourself go because it doesn't matter anymore.

JK, Pants.

ETTE ONE:

(ahem...clearing my throat...)

"Happy Birthday to JEW,
Happy Birthday TO JEW,
Happy BIRTHHHHHDAY OLD BIDDIE,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!"

followed up by a more serious, poetic reading of the following...

"A little birdy
Told me your 30
Good thing your mind is still dirty
Cuz soon you'll be wearing a girdie (that is rhyme speak for girdle)"

LOVE YOU ETTE1!!!! Welcome to the OLD WIVES CLUB!!

Everyone should turn 30

You get DIAMONDS!

I'm turning 30

So Sorry Indeed

Sometimes, it's less about the prolific thoughts Ette1 and I have and share with you and more about stealing other people's content. Today is one of those 'sometimes.'


This website is awesome. (Thanks Garrett Walker.) It's called Sorry I Missed Your Party and it's random party pictures found across the interwebs and culminated into one sweet site. Add some humorous tag lines and "what exactly is happening here" moments in question and you've got yourself a winner. It's addicting to scroll through - you never know what you're going to find. Let's hope it's not a picture of yourself from that fourteen day bender in college.

Red Carpet Do's and Dont's

Since I know you are all all anxiously awaiting my impressions of the looks last night... here you go.

Don't

• Wear a knit cap to the Oscars Phillip - it's not cold in LA and frankly it's not cool
  
• Wear the same braid I've been rocking for the past year while I let my bangs grow out Jennifer. You are like 50 years old, braids are too young for you. You have an opportunity to show up Angie, don't come in looking like you just spent the day at the beach.
• Wear one embroidered sleeve Girl from Slumdog, it's ugly.
  
• Let them wrap unnecessary fabric over your boob or waist Jessica and Amanda. Your boobs and waists are your best features, don't schlep them up.
• Just don't Miley, please
  
  
  

Do

• Wear a badass origami dress Marissa. Anything that looks like it took 12 slaves a good three months to create is just right for the Oscars.
• Tape your boobs up so high that it looks like you had them done SJP. Good boobage overall.
• Finally wear something other than black Tina, you looked hot.
• Look like Natalie Portman - if you can. That's a big do.

You know you've got a winning product when they give you a pub crawl

The Snuggie has an official Pub Crawl in the works. Snuggie fans, in a bar, drinking and networking with each other - all while wrapped in their own snuggies. I would go to this out of sheer curiosity. Wouldn't you?

Check it out and sign up here. Who's with me?

He's too old to be carried

Let him walk please

Right here, right now.

"What sort of delicious sides are we having with the tasty loin you have prepared?" H-ette asking me about dinner.

(Timer on stove goes off)

"Do you want to go see if it's done?" Me asking H-ette to cut into the meats and check for done-ness.

"When it comes to loins, I'm your man." H-ette responds, running his hands down his chest, as if showcasing the latest prize package on The Price is Right. He gets up and checks the meats.

I'm a lucky gal.

Sometimes I love the cops

Like the Vegas PD for instance. They just posted pictures of the sluttiest sluts in town. Think of it as the most un-wanted list. These are the hos that get the most action on the strip. And they are G-R-O-S-S. So Pants, I know you are already thinking about a wild bachelor party out west - but be warned. If any of these lovely ladies offer you a lap dance - think twice. Your lap will disintegrate because of the heinous fumes coming off of these bodies. An alternative bachelor party idea: bowling! Good clean fun for the whole group. Think about it babe.

Big Love - big sham or big idea?

I love TV for it's ability to glorify just about anything. From stupid teenagers getting drunk and shagging each other's boyfriends, to the exploration of polygamy and it's many, many facets - I think TV and all the options it provides us for entertainment, education, insight, etc is great. (Hello, My Big Redneck Wedding?!) So last night, I'm watching Big Love, and I'm thinking about this whole polygamy thing...one man, multiple wives. Forget about the religious, righteous, eternal salvation thing, I'm looking at this from a purely materialistic and emotional standpoint. From a woman's perspective, this means - being responsible a percentage of the time for wifely things. Sounds good to me so far...from a husband's perspective, it means shagging more frequently with multiple ladies. Okay, I can't think of a man who would refute that. It means cooking dinner a third of the time. It means having more hands around to help with kids, and errands, having more beauty products in the bathroom to choose from, clothes to borrow...this doesn't sound so bad. I'm starting to think this is a more beneficial situation for the ladies - are the men getting the short end of the stick here? Is it possible?!

But I would have to pick my sister wives, no questions about it. Margine would be in - she'd be fun to hang out and get drunk with (oh, because in my version of this life, alcohol is not only allowed, but necessary), Barb would be in because she'd be the wife that would make sure the plants had water and that there was enough milk in the fridge. She'd take care of business. Nicki would be out, ou, out. None of this uptight, drama-causing, eyes to the floor biting lip BS while the shit hits the fan around her. No sirree. I think her bitchiness has to do with the fact that her top button on her blouse is always cutting off circulation to her face, making her very temperamental.

H-ette, this is merely a mental exercise I am sharing with the readerettes - don't you dare get any ideas.

Puts it in perspective

I just found a phenomenal website. I'm wondering where it's been all my life. For those of you who don't know me, ha ha, you're loss. No really...For those of you who don't know me, I suffer from 'Woe Is Me' syndrome. Whenever anything bad happens, it's likely the worst thing ever to happen. Well, I just found my therapy, and it's FREE, and it comes in the form of a catchy URL:

www.fmylife.com

A board where people can vent their latest life WTF's for the world to read about and judge (in the form of "I agree, your life is f%@cked," or "You deserved that one" status)? It's sheer brillz, and it certainly makes me realize my life ain't so bad. A few examples:

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her exiting her room....my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML#21600 (54) - 02/10/2009 at 6:06pm by misc - sex - I agree, your life is f***ed (17784) - you deserved that one (718)

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML #19556 (30) - 02/10/2009 at 12:36am by maxthndr - work - I agree, your life is f***ed (15478) - you deserved that one (425)

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML#20313kids - I agree, your life is f***ed (13851) - you deserved that one (387)

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML#21834 (47) - 02/10/2009 at 7:08pm by peacock_mina19 - misc - I agree, your life is f***ed (12585) - you deserved that one (3148

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML#9438 (17) - 02/05/2009 at 8:23am by #201 - misc - I agree, your life is f***ed (10524) - you deserved that one (2773)

Life is good. Life is good indeed....

Come on

I can't take this, I really can't. In case you haven't already read this, the people holding the baby are his parents - Mom 15, Dad 13. How, why, oh man. It's too gross to even consider. Sorry I did this to you on a Friday. Happy Valentine's Day.

Wag the Dog

Dog walkers suck. They annoy me, I don't know why. Maybe it's their ability to calmly handle 17 leashes, each attached to dogs of different sizes - small dogs, big dogs, funny looking dogs, 3-legged dogs. They manage to walk these dogs AND handle all their poo. And talk on their cell phone. This is unbelievable to me. Then I stop and think about how much they are getting paid for each dog, and multiply it by 17, and then how many times a day they go for walks...it's not a bad career path. Maybe I will pursue. So as I consider this opportunity, H-ette and I happen to be dog-sitting for a week. We usually let Leia the Wunderdog out the kitchen door and she just goes wherever she pleases - we'll worry about her smelly hills later...and then she comes back to the door and we let her in. No muss, no fuss. But this visitor dog requires an actual leash and a good 20 minute walk (twice a day!) in order to do her business, and quite frankly, that's a big lifestyle adjustment for H-ette and I. But whatever, we're up for the challenge. So this morning H-ette takes the doggies for a solo walk and he comes back completely exasperated...apparently the big 150-pound behemoth mountain dog next door who has free reign of the neighborhood took a liking to Lola the visiting - at least to her hind - and wouldn't un-mount. And then another dog showed up, and leashes were tangled, and H-ette was frustrated. I'm guessing no poo got picked up this morning. (sorry neighbors). So tonight I decided to join him, and it's the four of us in 50 mile an hour winds, and it's just not easy. The dogs go in different directions, they poo and run, making it very hard to pick it up (sorry again, neighbor). By the time we get back home it's like we've been to Kickboxing class, and H-ette and I can't wait to get inside and lay down.

I'm thinking I'll take dog walker off my list of potential career paths.

I could kill her

A girl on my team just sent me to a link with this addicting game thing. They are all logic questions, some totally stupid, some so stupid I can't figure them out. Or maybe so smart that I can't do it, but whatever. You get three lives which means if you guess wrong three times you have to start over from the beginning and there are something like 300 questions. If she thinks I am going to do anything today aside from this game she's crazy, I'm only up to question 20 and I'm obsessed. But I am for sure going to yell at the rest of the team to make sure they aren't wasting time with it.

Here are a couple examples, figure them out:






These are among the easier ones. Think you are so smart give it a try: http://www.addictinggames.com/theimpossiblequiz.html

Michelle Obama on the cover of March Vogue

This issue hits newsstands tomorrow. WSJ f-ed up and leaked the cover. And I'm just taking advantage of their stupidity....

Lady O looks good. Like style-icon good. Doubters, haters, poof - be gone. She's strong, powerful, and just because she's a bit athletic does not make her "butchy." I do need to know though...did they do any major retouching here (i.e. to slim her arms, enhance her curves) because you know that Vogue is notorious for major plastic surgery facelifts on their covers....or do you think that would be too disrespectful to the first lady? I wonder how that conversation goes when they go over potential shots for the cover together...is Anna like, 'we lurvvvv this photo, but we'd slim you down a bit, smooth out your skin, take a few lbs off the midsection to really highlight the dress.' I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that convo.

I mean really, this is too adorable

In the news...

Here are the things I’m excited about today and since Pants is too busy to take my calls I’ll share with you:


The Octo mom: Her mother was interviewed and said the bitch is crazy town. Totally doesn’t support her baby mania and is the one who takes care of all her kids. They also showed pics of her from years ago when she did not have those ridiculous fish lips. She’s obsessed with hospitals. AGAIN, people should have to take a test before they have kids.

Chris Brown kicked Rihanna’s ass! Dying for the real story to come out there, but why didn’t she get all Disturbia on him and fight back? I expected more from her. If she goes back to him, I’ll vomit.

Whitney Houston: Are we sure she wasn’t still high at the Grammy’s last night? Cause she seemed kinda high to me. Oh and don’t you hate Miley Cyrus?! She’s so annoying. When she was about to announce a winner, she pointed to herself and mouthed “me.” Ew, no way, you are not getting any grammys. Annoying

Why are Dyson vacuums so sexy?

I don't understand it. I can not stop drooling when I see it. The new Dyson, with its ball midriff, and roll-around-the-corners gracefully moves, I want to date one - they are just so...sexy. Housewife stereotypes and misogyny be damned.

This thing makes me want to vacuum. It makes me want to get the vacuum in corners and really whisk out all that archaic dog hair that's been nesting. I want to swish around my house, curving in and out like a Miata on the PCH, just sweeping and swooshing and scooping up whatever is in my path, sucking it into my bagless, dustless, colorful wundermachine.

I think that Dyson could single-handedly fix the economy, and here's why:

If every household had a Dyson vacuum, houses would consistently be cleaner. That's a fact. And cleaner houses means happier homeowners and inhabitants. And happier homeowners and inhabitants means better relationships, which means more sexy time, which means more "appreciation" moments reciprocated, which of course involve things like flowers, jewelry, chocolate, shoes...bags. And thus, husbands will start spending money on their wives, the people who deserve it most, and give the economy the jolt it needs.

So if you're smart, you'll heed my advice and buy stock in Dyson, Godiva and 1800Flowers. This is the formula to our salvation, people.

I gotta run, I'm cleaning the vacuum brush on my Dyson...I want to keep 'er looking young, and sexy...and in good shape, in case I have to sell it in a pinch.

OK my niece is some kind of freaking baby genius

This really happened.

We were at Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend and Pants bought this stupid Pumpkin Spice candle thing, and I'm like why because who even wants that smell around when there's no real pumpkin pie in the area, but fine. So he pulls the label off and puts it on the coffee table. Angel Baby comes over and picks it up, so I tell her to smell it. Without missing a beat she says "Umpkin." How the freaking freak did this kid know what pumpkin smells like or even know the word for pumpkin?! I look at sissette for some explanation, she said AB has never had pumpkin pie and she's never heard her say that word. WTF dude. She's some sort of savant, but in a good knowing-the-names-of-unfamiliar-smells sort of way. Anyway she's freaking brilliant.

My fiance totally loves me until Scarlett Johansson walks in the room

It's my own fault because I dragged him to see "He's Just Not that Into You" this weekend. The whole thing is couples, relationship, chick-flick fare, until one stupid scene where someone sexes up ScarJo and that's it, he's sprung. Oh man she's so hot, oh man that ass, oh man look at her tits. WHATEVER. Fine she has a decent body, but I don't know about her facial area, there's something a little mousy about it, like nose/mouth/chin ratio is off kilter I think. But you can't tell Pants that, he'd leave me in a second for her. So do me a favor, if you see Scar in our vicinity, then just trip her or something, and then I will pick up your signal, turn Pants around and walk in the other direction. And then I still get my wedding and all the gifts etc. If however you see Mark Ruffalo, then I'll trip Pants.

Rubik's...ruse

So word on the street is, the Rubik's Cube is getting a makeover. It's 30 years old, it's time for a little face lift, apparently. But I feel kind of jipped - or stupid or something, because in 30 years, I never figured out the damn thing. And now, mister smarty pants Erno Rubik is like, 'oh, vee are bored vith zis, I have done zis vith my eyes closed, vith my hands tied behind my beckkk...itz time for a new cube, ya?'

I mean, c'mon. Seriously. Is this really the time to be upgrading the world's biggest handheld puzzle? The original has 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 possible combinations on its six faces, for crying out loud - I think we could go another 30 years or so before it truly wears out its welcome. Think of all the cases of depression this will cause. People who have lost their jobs, aren't feeling quite good enough, smart enough...and then to find out that they took too long to solve the Rubik's and it's all downhill from there. Next, liquor stores will be packed with customers buying pints of JD in paper bags at 11am, kids will cry themselves to sleep wondering where daddy is, wailing wondering why life has dealt them this card. Before you know it, there will be riots in the street, and cars overturned, and gas stations looted and Snickers bars stolen.

Morale will sink to an all time low. The government will have to declare a "Boost Your Spirit - Forget About the Cube!" day. It could get really, really bad. They might have to come out with a Rubik's Stimulus Package. All hell will break loose just because some Hungarian who's too smart for his own good had to go and come out with some three-sided Rubik's upgrade.

Seriously, people. This could be the beginning of the end. It's time to start taking my bomb shelter idea seriously.

Obizzle talk some sense into them

Thanks to the GOP for identifying the list of “wasteful” ways to spend the stimulus package:

• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's.

Preventing disease, no benefit there, if you get syphilis that’s your bad dude

• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.

Um, a hurricane wouldn't hit the same area twice right

• $500 million for state and local fire stations.

Fires shmires, it's cold outside anyway

• $1.2 billion for "youth activities," including youth summer job programs.

Summer jobs - total waste, better the kiddies spend afternoons seeing who can hold their breathe long enough to pass out

• $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

We use lead in our pencils don't we, never got sick from doing a crossword puzzle, though it does make my brain hurt

• $75 million for "smoking cessation activities."

Instead just die

Let's talk about the children's museum

It's complete bullshit.

Sisette and I took Angel Baby on Sunday, and it was the dumbest excursion of her young life. The place is called CMOM, should stand for Check this Mess Of a Museum. Nothing really museumy about it, its basically toys on a floor. Here are the lowlights:

• There are a couple of places where you press a button on the wall to hear something I guess but it was either broken or it was too freaking loud from screaming brats to be able to hear it.
  
• There was a sand pit with cups and plates in it, so obviously the kid made herself a little sand sandwich and sand milkshake and tried to eat it, we moved on to coloring.
• Not sure what we learned there, we sat on tiny kiddie chairs scribbled a line on a sheet and moved on.
  
• There was a slide, that was fun I guess.
• There were blocks on the floor, but only adults were building. One guy built a really high tower, both AB and I were definitely thinking the same thing, "I'd love to knock that thing down," Sisette caught that look in our eyes and shuffled us along to another area.
  
• There was one "exhibit" that was basically a wall and "museum guides" sprayed shaving cream on it and let the kids spread it around with their hands. Seriously, that was the whole thing, mush this cream on the wall. Good lesson there, "be totally disrespectful of your home and public places." We skipped that one.
• The best part of the whole day was the Dora floor. Kids freaking love Dora. AB kissed the wall with the Dora picture on it. But again, not really sure about what we learned there. There was another slide, and stuffed animals on the floor. There were drums, but an ugly brat pushed AB off the stool before she could play so that was out.

My suggestion for an alternative day of fun and learning for your little one: save the thirty bucks, put on Disney on demand and throw some toys on the floor. That's the whole experience, with fewer germs and kid snot, breast-feeding orthodox women and annoying NY parents.

Michael Phelps you are an idiot, but I'd like to hang out with you

All the stoners I know are like "poor Michael Phelps, it's not fair, he's a kid he should be able to get high without the world knowing about it" blah blah.

Um no, Michael Phelps is stupid. He has million dollar + endorsements from major brands like Kellogs, Speedo, Hilton Hotels, etc. You think the people at Kellogs are excited that their wheeties guy is toking on every major newspaper in the world?! No they are not. That sends a bad message to the kiddies. (Despite the fact that Frosted Flakes makes an excellent snack when you've got the munchies - so I've heard) Hilton probably doesn't care, they have no reputation thanks to Paris but the other guys do for sure.

What is he thinking blazing on a college campus with iphone cameras all around? If someone is paying you a lot of money to look like a wholesome athlete then you get high by yourself, locked in your room with the drapes drawn and a towel under the door like a normal person.

As my br-ette would say, that move was bush-league. Poor form MP. But you have a standing invite to come hang out at my place, bring the bong.

New Year, New Look

So 1 and I were getting a little tired of logging on to the same pink screen every day to kvetch and moan, so we decided to change it up. We're taking a new logo, and a new, uber-stylish and unique pea green page for a test drive. Let us know if you love it or hate it. Or love to hate it. Or hate to love it. Your opinion matters - if it fits with our own, that is.