Random Thoughts

I just got forwarded one of those stupid random thoughts emails, but this one had some gems, so thought I'd share... I bolded the ones I especially agree with for your viewing pleasure.

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I see your pee

I was walking to pick up lunch yesterday and I passed a tall, handsome, very well dressed guy who had a for real pee pee stain on the front of his pants. He wasn't carrying a cold beverage, it wasn't raining, it was an honest to goodness pee pee stain (which probably means he was going commando, but that's not the point) WTF guys?! I essentially wrap three rolls of triple-ply toilet paper around my hand to ensure I get every little drop of pee, and at the most guys give a little shake. Well guess what, that doesn't cut it. For one, my toilet seat is covered in little droplets of your urine, which get old and yellow and sticky, and two its all on your clothes - how freaking gross. If I have boys, I'm going to make them wipe it. Who is teaching these guys it's ok to piss and run. You need to stay in that bathroom and make sure all offending substances are properly stowed away, and not in your pants.

Sweet dreams might be made of the this

This sweet nectar is supposed to give you the same euphoria as the fuzzy, green, stinky, smoky stuff. And it's legal.

Who wants to chip in on a case with a sista?

Mary Jane's Relaxing Soda

Sweet dreams are (not) made of this

Dreams are ridiculous. How do they happen? Where do the ideas and scenarios and occurrences come from? I don't understand! Why do we have dreams about flying, and floating, and dreams that involve people we know in scenarios we would never find ourselves in with those people? I've been having ridiculously awkward dreams lately. One involved my teeth, which were each being held together by little wire twist ties. And most recently, hubby was missing his eyes (literally, empty sockets) and was chasing me around trying to gouge mine out with an ice pick. Wtf?

Why can't dreams be pretty and fun and clever? Like Alice in Wonderland journeys, or winning the lotto? Why do people use the phrase "In your dreams" as if they were full of sex and fancy stuff and rainbows? And who the hell decides what dreams "mean?" How does anyone know what it means when I dream about falling into a refrigerator and the door shutting and locking me in?

Counting calories

Most women I know make their food choices these days based on calories. Do I eat this delicious hoagie for lunch, or a grilled tofu salad hold the dressing. Brides who think their arms looked kinda tubby at their dress fitting the other day make the obvious, no taste salad choice. But they are cranky about it, let me tell you.

A totally regular, non dieting woman’s diet would normally consist of 2,000 calories a day. But to shed pounds you want to be closer to about 1,200 a day. Do you know what you have to eat – or not eat – to stay under 1,200 cals a day? Well it’s a not a lot. I fell off the wagon this weekend and think that the only way to really learn my lesson is to publicly humiliate myself. Here’s where I went wrong.

Saturday:

A.M.

I’ll be good, I’ll just go to Dunkin Donuts and get one of those egg white flatbread things (+290 calories). I rip off the top slice and feed it to my dog (-40 calories), except for that one piece that had some melted cheese on it that I took a bite of (+12 calories). To wash it down, I’ll have a medium iced decaf coffee with Skim Milk thank you very much (+35 calories) and a sweet and low (+4 calories) – no sugar since I’m dieting.

While I’m at DD, I’ll pick up a box of munchkins for Pant’s pool party – 50 please. I’ll just have two of these and then close the box up, no one will notice that there are 48-47 munchkins instead of the full 50 (+120 calories).

Noonish

Go shopping with Bro, expertly avoid mall food court. I should take off a few cals for the walks around the mall, but won’t because I avoided the gym all weekend and that sounds like cheating.

2 ish

Decide I’m starving, go to Wendy’s – favorite philly fast food. Get a single (+420 calories) scrape off some of the mayo and pickles (-15 calories). Small fries (+330 calories), but give 1/3 to dog and brother (-75 calories). Diet coke – cause I’m dieting.

Pool Party

Hard to tell, took a bite of Pants’ burger (let’s say +30 calories), ate some chips – full fat kind (+120 calories), had some spinach square thing – tasted good, so probably high-cal (+130 calories) about 4 more munchkins (+240 calories) couple diet cokes – cause I’m dieting.

P.M.

Didn’t eat anything at pool party basically, so starving by 8. Get a turkey hoagie (+800 calories) but only eat half (-400 calories) and one bite of my dad’s steak sandwich (+50 calories) and some chips (+70 calories). Diet coke, obvi.

So I’m about 900-1100 calories over my goal for the day – and this doesn’t even include the foods I forgot about. What that means is flabby arms are here to stay. Oy, today I'm eating only hard boiled eggs, cucumbers and weight watchers string cheese.

Gift ideas anyone?

You know what really grinds my gears? People who expect you to guess the perfect gift for them for their birthday. The nice thing about girls is that they make it extremely easy to get them the perfect present. We leave dog-eared magazines all over the house, we muse loudly about that great purple bag their friend had the other day, remember, the one we pointed out to you, remember?!, we linger in front of store shops, looking at a specific display as we walk by, we even freaking send you links of the earrings we want and when they are going on sale at shopbop. When all else fails we make sure our sister knows exactly what we want, so when you give her a buzz for advice, everyone is prepared. But noooo, Pants doesn't drop any hints, because he wants to be surprised.

How much freaking pressure do you think that puts on me?! Well it's a lot. Here were some of my ideas and why I ruled them out:

• Watch: Gave him one from the office last year that he never wears
• Engraved wallet clip: He likes separate compartments in his wallet probably to hide cards of women he meets
  
• PS3/xbox/Wii: Too stupid
• Weekend Trip: Saving for PR/wedding
• Camera: Got him fancy one last year that he never uses
• Clothes/shoes: He'll be pissed, he considers those necessities, not gifts
• Kindle: Makes him mad, he likes pages
• Puppy: We barely like the dog we currently have
• New Mac: Get real, I'm broke
  

So I'm fresh out of ideas. Pants if you annonymously comment on this post with a gift suggestion, then you can have what you want, and it will be like you're suprised because I won't know who suggested it. Smart right. Send in your ideas. Oh and happy birthday Pants!!!!

Thanks, Garrett

Cuz sometimes, come Monday morning, I got nothin', so I borrow from your creative stash.

Yes, they are serious

This company is really on to something. Urns in the style of the dearly departed -- literally. For $2600 -- a pittance, really -- they'll jack you up into some super-plastic rendering with the top of your skull as a pop off lid.

H-ette, when I die, I want my big blue peepers staring you down from the mantle, for the rest of your life. Set me right on top of the PS3, so every time you go to turn that sucker on, you'll be reminded of my disdain for the machine. Or, put me in the refridge for a fun "scare" late night when you go get some wettums.

Is this the new uniform for the US swim team?

Cause I kinda like it.

Another office gripe

I got a lot of 'em. And I'm not particularly picky, either. But something that really gets me is the Computer Speaker Abuser. This person does not understand volume control, nor do they own a pair of headphones, but what they DO have is a terrible taste in music, and you're going to hear about it, from one cat-screeching song to the next. I work with one said offender. As a writer, I value my peace and quiet, while I'm minding my P's and Q's and crossing my T's and dotting my I's. And every day, I have to suffer at the hand of the sado-masochistic music man. I'm all for melody, and soft, unoffensive music coming from somewhere you can't quite place -- if executed properly it can be nostalgic and sweet. But when you are forced to listen to something you a) wouldn't listen to in a million years, and b) would rather be chopped up and served to vamps while lucid than listen to...well then, my friends, your work will suffer.

Today mine did as I had to suffer through melodramatic alt-rock end-of-the-world emo drones mixed with heavy metal screaming, an awful musician's interview akin to a bad, slow episode of Inside the Actor's Studio, and then thrown in for good measure (I kid not), Funky Cold Medina, which he sang along to. Outloud.

Yes, I've got headphones, which I am FORCED to use all day long (and I have sensitive ear canals, those damn things hurt and I end up going home with crampy ears - not fun). But that's not the point. Where do we draw the line and say enough is enough? Where are the rules? Where's the corporate overlord to slap him with a fine and send his ass to HR?

Tomorrow, if I even hear a peep of Def Leopard-ness, his ass is going down. It's Friday, after all, and so help me if he gets some crappy song stuck in my head all weekend.

Sorry, 1

But the familiarity is a little creepy. You basically have the hots for Haley Joe Comet.

seriously?

Do I have to respond to this person on Facebook?

From random jew name: "are you the same Ette1 I went to Hebrew School with?"

1. What if I am? So what? Are we going to meet to reminisce about learning to write the aleph bet now that we've reconnected? What do you want to talk about exactly?
   
2. I was probably 10-years-old in Hebrew school. The only thing I remember was that one guy was kind of cute. So that's essentially how I spent my time, thinking about cute young jew boys, not learning Hebrew, and clearly not forming a lasting relationship with this girl who may or may not have been sitting in the same room with me once a week for a few months.
   
3. Do I have to "friend" every freaking acquaintance I've ever had in my life? I spoke to the taxi driver last night, he asked about my day and where I was going to, is he my FB friend? I've spent more time with him recently than this girl, that has to count for something.
   
4. What in the world made her think of me? There's no way I was suggested to her, we don't have any friends in common and I certainly didn't list my Hebrew school in my profile. Why after 20 years, would she remember my full name and have any inclination to contact me now. Was I really mean to her back then - like a bully that she now wants to connect with so I know how she felt back then. Entirely possible. I was way bitchy, I probably have enemies. But I feel like I pretty much kept to myself back then, it was before blogs. Maybe she always thought I was cool and pretty and wanted to be my friend, but then lost touch with me until facebook put everyone out on front street. Also entirely possible, I was a hot pre-teen, I was one of the first to get boobies and that counts for a lot in junior high - just ask Pants, they brought him around looking for me 15 years later too.
   
5. Anyway, it's weird. And I'm not friending her. I don't need her daily updates about how glad she is it's almost Friday, or how much she loves her husband or how the rain totally sucks.
   

It was like Michael Vick up in here

Leia the Wunderdog has been sharing her lair for the last six months with none other than Bro-ette's buddy "Stewpert the coosh-tard." Well, while Stewpert the coosh-tard is a loving, sweet animal, he's still sort of puppy-like, and well, to be quite honest, bro-ette never really trained him, and he's got some social issues. He doesn't quite get the 'no jumping on people 'rule. He is stubborn as a mule and will not come on command. And he's mad territorial about his food.

Enter Leia the Wunderdog. She was basically Angel Food Dog before Stewpert came. She was well behaved, greeted guests with a handshake and poured them a martini (shaken, not stirred). But ever since Stewpert's arrival, she's been working hard to keep up with the coosh-tards, and well, it's been affecting her temperament.

See, Stewpert gets fed twice a day. Leia the Wunderdog? Just once. She, like most women, suffers from the extra few lbs she can't quite seem to shed, no matter how many Frisbees she catches or laps she does around the yard. Stewpert on the other hand looks like an Ethiopian, his ribs and spine stuck out like an abused, neglected child's. So tonight, I fed Stewpert his evening kibble, like the king he is. He quickly ate 3/4's of the bowl and then sauntered off to find out what was going on in the kitchen. Well, Leia took that opportunity to go check out what was being served at table 3. When Stewpert returned, he saw Leia eating a bite of his watercress salad and like any man, he attacked her fat ass.

What ensued was X-rated stuff Peta would cover their eyes over. The dogs, entangled and snarled, went at each others faces until I could muster the balls to stick my bare hands in there and try to pull them off one another -- to no avail. H-ette flew in like a seagull and swiped Stewpert up, separating the abusive couple.

After an hour of time out for both of them, Stewpert has emerged as the clear loser of this battle. As his face gashes clearly show, Leia takes shit from no man -- and she does not think she's fat. Let's hope Stewpert learned a valuable lesson about sharing and relationships tonight...

Those straps sure are working hard

I know she's the queen and all (don't tell latifa), but someone needs to have a serious sit down conversation with this woman. First of all those straps look like they are going to rip right through her shoulders. That cannot be comfortable. Unless they are made of iron, there's no way they are up to task of holding up those jugs. Which makes me wonder, maybe all those studs on the front of the dress are an elaborate pulley system that keeps everything in place and covered up. The mic is also strategically placed to obscure the massive cleavage line. Also, that gauzey see-through wrap aint providing the type of coverage she needs. At this age, let alone weight class, she need to really start thinking long and hard about some sleeves. And what's the lameo wrist watch. Can't an assistant or event organizer update her on the time? It's like wearing your watch with your wedding dress. Hello that's what a MOH is for.

Pet Peeve #479

The Redundancy Communicator.

This is the person who sends an email to you with explicit requests/information/bullet points/theses, and then shows up at your desk the minute the email has hit your inbox, saying “I just sent you an email with blah blah blah” and proceeds to verbally address all issues in said email. Why bother sending an email at all? You’re now here, invading my personal space, you could have saved the valuable Interwebs space for something else, like forwarding on one of your stupid “God Works in Mysterious Ways” emails.

This behavior is not limited to email. It carries over to instant messaging. As in, you ask someone a question on IM and next thing you know they are behind you, peering onto your computer screen, going, “oh, I thought I would just come over and explain.” Well if I just wanted you to explain in person, my lazy ass would have gotten up and invaded YOUR desk from the beginning! I want a simple answer, IM style. I don’t want to be bothered, I don’t want you seeing that I’m working on my blog or have some online shopping windows open on my computer — stay away. Just respond the way the good Skype intended and we’ll all be better off.

This is why we're fat

I have figured out why Americans are fat. It's easier to throw something in the micro and call it a day, or mix some ingredients out of a box (hello, mac and cheese, I love you) then to actually cook a meal from scratch. I know, major aha moment. Whatever.

I work a full time job. Tonight after work I went to the eye doctor to get my peepers checked out, then I went to the grocery store to do some shopping for the week. I decided I wanted to make enchiladas. Seems easy enough, right? I found a trusted Martha recipe and got all my ingredients...except that I didn't really READ the recipe in terms of steps, process, etc. How f-ing hard can it be to wrap some stuff in a tortilla, put it in a casserole dish and bake it?

This recipe had me making my own tomatillo sauce. From scratch. That means chopping the veggies, sauteing them, and then pureeing them in the food processor. And as any cook knows, the experience starts to get stressful when more than 2 pots/pans/appliances get dirty.

I had to hand shred a rotisserie chicken. I had to pre-cook all the corn tortillas, individually on the stove top. Of course I had to make my famous guac, because what good is an enchilada without some guac. Before you know it, I'm an hour and a half into this and the friggin casserole hasn't hit the oven yet. I mean, seriously.

There are only so many hours in the day. I still haven't figured out how to fit the whole gym thing into my day -- lord only knows how that will get accomplished, I'll have to go when I'm sleeping. It's too much work. It's much easier to just open a box of Kraft and be done with it. Which means fatso. Which is why we are fat. And why kids don't know what gardens look like but they can tell you the contents of every meal on the McDonald's drive thru menu.

It's all just so stressful. Thank god for margarita mix...

How could you?

How can you do this to me, Kate, Cara, Madelyn, Alexis, Aaden, Hannah, Collin, Joel and little Leah? You've broken our hearts. You make us hate men. Your girlfriend is a skank, we hope she falls down a well. And we hope you lose all the rest of your hair, so you just have a sad little line of plugs left.

Team Kate

Enough already

I'm a little obsessed with Twilight as you know, but that doesn't mean I'll neglect the other vampires in my life, so of course I was glad to see True Blood return last night.

But this nutty plot line with this mystery woman is making me crazy already. What the hell is she, the devil - some Eros god of love-type?! They are dragging this shit out and its enough already.

I'll welcome any theories on who/what she is and where this whole thing is going.

Palin Pays Up

I thought this pic was really awesome. Even though Kvetchette doesn't condone self-inflicted blows to the dome...we do condone assholes who publicly enrage us and then allow us to bear witness to their own crumbling demise.

Rebuttal

Mostly because I want to post more pics of this guy.

1. Who says a jew can't be a vampire? No one said they are all sucking on pig, the jewpires eat only rabbi approved cows.
2. Not aging, hello that's awesome. What do I care what I look like if I get to stare at some hot bodied, forever 21 year old dude. It's like being hugh hefner - awesome.
3. Edwards hair is perfection. I'd take it off and put it on my own head if I could.
4. Cold is good. I hate waking up all sweaty and bothered because I'm trapped under the covers with another giant sweaty human being. How nice it would be to have a personal cooling system in bed with me. It's like an air conditioner without the expensive electric bill.
5. Warped speeds, what is 2 talking about - what would be more awesome than finishing a marathon in 20 minutes?! I'd have a zillion gold medals. Traffic - what traffic - I'll just run there.
   
6. Seriously 2 is worrying about fixing cars? Vampires are freaking rich. Car breaks down, he'll buy you a new one.
7. Ok I will give her this one. I would miss eating delicious foods, but I would be soooo skinny, so that's the pay off. I'll drink only bloody marys to be a size 2.
8. Women pay thousands of dollars to get their skin to sparkle. People even implant diamons in their fingers. This is awesome.
   

So I'm sorry to say 2, you have not convinced me.