Obey the law.

Just got back from a two hour visit to county court, where I had to go before the judge for a speeding ticket I could not flirt my way out of. Being the law-abiding citizen I am, I have seen very few courtrooms in my day. I'm always half fearful and half enthralled by the 'system.' Well today I was just plain irritated.

We are in a recession. The hardworking man is losing jobs left and right. Baby daddies are still away from their baby mamas fighting a war that won't end. The dollar is worthless. It's not a good time in the world. But if you're the government, you might as well be the only stripper left in Vegas - it's time to cash in.

This is how it works, for those of you who haven't yet been schooled on the 'system' we rely on to keep our roads safe, to enforce the law, you know - all that mundane crap. Bear with me:

1. You are caught doing something bad. Petty theft, arson, assault, speeding, talking on your cell phone while driving, having sexual relations in a public place.
2. You forget to wear a low-cut shirt that day, happen to have a zit on your chin, look a little more haggard than usual, or you just lack smoothness in general and thus you can't talk your way out of the situation with Mr. Officer.
3. He issues you a ticket/summons/arrests/frisks you, whatever the deal. You are then ordered to go before the court, where you can plead your case and a judge will decide how much more money your insurance company will bleed you for, how many days you will get gang-raped in jail, or if he'd prefer you to go serve soup to homeless people.
4. You show up for court on your appointed day. Judge unleashes The Negotiator, who already knows you are there, calls you into a secret little room where he asks you what you are bargaining down for. So whatever crime you have committed is irrelevant. (Note: this is chance #2 wear the low cut shirt and/or really gussy up so don't go messing it up twice, or you have no one to blame but yourself) You now have an opportunity to 'bargain basement' your way out of your crime. It helps if H-ette is a lawyer and helps guide you through this process...if yours is not, I have no problem renting my H-ette's services out for a reasonable fee. So now, the Negotiator gets to decide how much money the gov't is going to rob you of today. Will it be $100? $200? Your checkbook is in his hands. He sizes you up, makes a judgement call, scribbles it onto a piece of paper which you hand to the judge when you walk out of the little room, and Judge says 'So, I see you've negotiated down to applying mascara while driving. That will be a $150, please see the clerk.'
5. That's it, readerettes. If your naive little souls didn't believe before that everything has a price, add this to the list of proof that it does. It's about class and caste, my fellow Ettes. Always has, always will be. The state will pull you over time and time again for speeding not because they care about the safety of other drivers, because they just cashed in on your dumb law-breaking ass. So if for no better reason than to stop getting pimp slapped by our government, OBEY THE LAW!