Row row row your boat...

Things to know about whitewater rafting:

1. There's a reason why they tell you not to bring beer with you while whitewater rafting. Whitewater + rocks + Heineken mini keg on board = Foam. Lots and lots of foam.


2. When the rafting dudes tell you that it's max six people in a boat, don't think you are exempt from this rule and load in seven folks who don't work out and three buckets of lunch. Your boat won't move.


3. When whitewater rafting, keep all hands and arms inside the boat at all time. It's easy to lose a limb to a wily oar or a jagged rock. Or if you are a real puss, a big wave.


4. If you agree to go whitewater rafting with a group, you are obligated to row. There is no sightseeing, sunbathing, or daydreaming. You risk getting smacked in the head with an oar. It won't be pretty, I can tell you that right now.


5. When they give you a bucket to stash your lunch in, make sure the bucket lid is sealed. There's a reason they provide you a bucket with a sealed lid. You will fight the rapids for three hours, pull ashore, starving, and open your bucket, foaming at the mouth for your turkey and swiss sammie, and when you find it to be soaked through and through (you can wring the mayo out of it) with dirty Delaware River water you will want to drown yourself. Yum.


6. Rubber boats are not soft. They hurt the ashen. Bad. Bruised tailbones are throbbing tailbones.


7. Don't think that whitewater rafting is a leisure sport - that's your first mistake. Rowing is serious business. You will be rowing your hurt ashen off. You can substitute about a month's worth of gym visits for one go at this activity. I think...I haven't been to the gym in ages so I wouldn't really know.
8. When someone plans a whitewater rafting trip that is a 2.5 hour road trip away, convince the group to stay overnight in the local weirdo Amish country town. The only thing worse than rowing an over-filled raft down a lazy river for 15 miles is having to get in the car afterward and drive three hours home. In traffic. With a slow-leak flat tire. Where you can't go over 50 mph.