I didn’t win the Mega Millions this week.

And I find it annoying. I know that the odds are like a zillion to one and only hicks from Alabama ever win the money, but without fail every time I get a ticket, something stirs inside me. I get all anxious and excited and I truly believe somewhere deep down that this week I could win it. I’m not one of those people who randomly buys a ticket, sticks it in their awesome Balenciaga bag and then forgets she ever had it to begin with. I place mine in a safe spot, tucked away carefully until the that 11 pm drawing when I pull it out and shush everyone in the room (everyone being my dog, since Pants works late these days) and intently listen for the numbers. I think to myself, someone has to win (except half the time no one wins and the money rolls into the next drawing, but regardless, someone will win at some point) and it could be me. These numbers are nice and random – the computer selected them, so I can’t blame my stupid bad luck for choosing crappy numbers. It really could be me. And then I think through the phone calls I’ll make when I win. Who do I call first? Do I call Pants right away, or will he want to use the money for stupid shit like season Eagles tickets or something – I figure I’ll call him but tell him we won half the amount so he won’t pre-spend it on his dumb stuff in his mind. I guess my parents or sister next, maybe I conference them, so one isn’t offended that I called the other first. But that seems like a complicated maneuver, not sure how to do that on my phone, maybe I’ll try to figure that out first. I’ll have to explain to my sister that she’s already rich so I likely won’t share my winnings with her. Then I wonder to myself if I’ll go into work the next day. Do I even bother going in and saying goodbye to everyone as I explain my new career path – managing my millions. Or do I just call in rich. Then I remember it probably takes like a year before you actually see any money and will probably need to keep my job for a while and get annoyed at that thought. By this time the numbers announcement has passed and I was on the wrong channel so I missed it. So I log onto the Mega Millions site to see the numbers and they of course are not up yet. So I refresh the page every 10 seconds. And with each click of the mouse, I get more anxious to see my numbers up there on the screen. Eventually they come up. And I don’t win. Not even a single number matches. This is bullshit. I rip up the ticket and go to bed cranky.