Discount Department Stores

I love discount stores. Loehmann's, Filene's, Century 21, HomeGoods. I take serious pleasure out of buying designer frocks and things at major major discount meltdowns. I pause to wonder why I would ever shop retail - and then I answer my own question - because I am impulsive. However I think I would be completely fine if I could only shop the discounts for the rest of my life. There's something insanely satisfying about wearing something that you look like a rock star in (figuratively, not literally) and girls compliment you all day long. It looks expensive, and at one time it WAS expensive. And there were plenty of loserettes who paid full price on impulse, or just to have the trend the moment it hit the shelves. I on the other hand peruse the racks at Loehmann's and I always find an insane bargain. I don't know what it is about me and discount stores but I work it like a prostitute in Atlantic City. Some of my MAY-JOR finds?

Alexander McQueen black kitten heels - originally $690, I paid $79.

J-Brand skinny jeans - originally $220, I paid $79.

Marc Jacobs silk corset top - originally $379, I paid $79.

There is something about discount stores and $79, btw. Everything always ends up costing $79. I don't know why.

However, one thing I don't understand about discount stores are their dressing room policies. The big open room with wall-to-wall mirrors and women lined up next to each other, all shapes and sizes and fleshy celluloid out for all to see. Now, if you are going to take part in this dressing room experience there is a code of conduct. And here it is ladies. Please take note, and act accordingly:

1. You do not blatantly stare at another woman while she is naked, half naked or trying on that hideous sequin dress. Everyone knows you are supposed to sneak inadvertent glances at them, sizing them up and making mental notes of the reasons you should be utilizing your gym membership.


2. Wear panties. Nothing is worse than catching sight of bush (during your inadvertent glance, of course) being shimmied into some skinny jeans. Trust me, I have seen this on more than one occasion. Nast. E.


3. Ladies, try things on that are your size. No, you did not go from a size 10 to a size 2 on your way to the dressing room. There is no excuse for you trying to sausage-squeeze yourself into anything that is not at the very least in your size "range." Just because that Marc Jacobs top is marked 70% off does not give you the right to rip it in half trying to get it on over your fat head.


4. Stop asking me how you look in things. Just because we are in a communal dressing room does not mean we came together, know each other, care one way or another whether you look good in something. This is no time for public service announcements. Bring a friend if you need reassurance. I don't want to bear the guilt of having to either be honest and tell you how awful that color is on you or on the flip side tell you how great you look and then watch you become another fashion casualty b/c of my inability to be honest.


5. Don't sit in the lurches waiting for me to take off and reject an article of clothing so you can pounce on it. This is not supermarket sweeps. It's quite horrifying actually when I am pulling something over my head and you are snatching it out of my hands before it even goes back on the hanger. Patience is a virtue.
   

That pretty much sums it up. Thanks for listening, and I hope to not have to see any of you in Loehmann's anytime soon. Stay off my turf.