Baby Mamas

Ladies take this whole "birth" thing too far, I'm telling you. It's a little ridiculous. Now I don't know from experience (yet) what it feels like to actually spit a living, breathing thing out my VJ. I imagine its quite the experience. Painful experience. From a purely mathematical perspective, something that is six inches wide with limbs should not be forced to exit a teeny space walled in bone. So it's tough enough when you hear the stories, the screams, the cursing. Epidural, stat! Give me drugs! Get this thing out of me!! Devil spawn!!! When I hear about these women who actually enjoy the experience, I wonder...are these ladies legit or are they part of some strange cult? Like the chicks who believe the birthing process is more pleasurable than sex. Orgasmic, actually. Are you freaking kidding me? You are going to use this time to have a sexual orgasm? That's a good story for the kid when their older. "Dear it was so beautiful when you came into this world. Mommy was so hot and bothered and turned on, she actually had an orgasm on your way out." Yeah, that won't screw them up.


Or how about the ladies who give birth standing up? If there was ever a time to lay down on your back and make yourself as comfortable as possible, now's probably it. Stand? Are you insane? Why don't you wear some stiletto's while you're at it. Be smart.


When it's my time I hope everyone is good and ready. I want ice chips. I want pillows. I want cashmere. I want a BB gun to shoot H-ette in the chram for putting me in this agony. You can keep your orgasm, ladies. Enjoy...