Human Resources

I would like someone to explain to me what these people do. Each company has a department titled "Human Resources." They lead you to believe that they are there to ensure employee satisfaction, they handle benefits, they are negotiators on behalf of the company...they hire and fire.

Now I have been in the work force for over fifteen years. Starting with my little frozen yogurt counter job, to being a rat-on-a-wheel telemarketer, to my adult career path, leading me through no fewer than four major corporations. And at each one, I had human resources issues. Not major ones. Not issues with getting along with peers, not issues with my work capacity, just issues. You know, the kind HR is supposed to be able to handle eloquently with their eyes closed.

So now on to important things. Kvetchette is hiring a human resources manager. And here is the job description, for all who qualify. Please send all resumes to kvetchette@gmail.com.

• Human Resources manager must lack personality. It is helpful if said person actually excels at staring directly through people while having conversations.
  
• You should have no more than one artistic thing hung in your office, and it helps if it is a motivational poster involving a kitty cat, purchased at Staples on the corporate account.
• You should not care about much other than what you are going to have for lunch that day. Which you've been thinking about since 8:45 this morning, when you turned on your computer for the day to be greeted by your really lame, stock screensaver.
  
• You can have little to no experience, because it won't matter anyway. You don't do anything.
  
• Benefits are overrated. You should be prepared to not be concerned about them, not offer them unless forced to, at which point you should be sure they aren't really worth anything anyway. Make really lame things sound interesting. Like pencils. "As an employee of this company you will be granted pencils engraved with your name on them. They are number two's, the best in the business. The best money can buy. We can actually put your job title and your email on them as well and you can use them as very progressive, cool business cards. Because we are a very, very progressive company."
• You should have a very dry sense of humor. Telling jokes is overrated anyway.
  
• You should have a pair of sensible shoes, an extra pair under your desk for emergencies, and you should be readily equipped with a ruler to measure skanky employees' skirt lengths at a moment's notice. Like in line in the cafeteria.
• You should have negotiation tactics which rival a gestapo. There is no bargaining on your table.
  
• Being fugly helps too.
  
• And if you are a liar and two-faced, you have the job in the bag.

We look forward to hearing from all interested parties.