DePlane! DePlane!

All this talk about sky-safety these days has everyone wishing they could just keep their feetsies planted firmly on the ground. News reports keep surfacing about Air Traffic Control making "errs" in plane distances, causing planes to practically collide in takeoffs and landings, or at the very least bringing those suckers too close for comfort with high-velocity winds and all that techno-crap.

But one thing that just doesn't sit right...why do these news-folk keep using the term "near miss?" If they nearly missed wouldn't that mean they actually hit each other? Forgive me if I am incorrect but wouldn't it be better served to say it was a "near hit?"

And while we are on the subject of stealing humor from George Carlin, below are some things to get you thinking today, as the snowstorm blows in and freezes all our friggin pipes:

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?

• When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

• Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

• "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

• If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

• Why is a procrastinator's work never done?

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

• Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

• If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?