Be warned we’re talking ‘bout poo

I can’t poo when someone else is in the bathroom. In my office we have a little bathroom with three stalls side-by-side and it’s way too close for comfort for me; so most of the time, I just hold it all day and wait to drop the kids off at the pool in the security of my own place. I hate being in the bathroom when someone else is going number 2 (and I don’t mean Ette2), the noise, the smell, it's sensory overload and I feel like I’m invading their space, and they mine. So I physically can’t do it when someone else is in there. Of course there are times when you sort of don’t have a choice and need to go in the middle of the day, so on those occasions I try to sneak in when no one is there. Every now and then you are just about to go for it, when you hear the key and someone comes stomping right in, so you squeeze it up tight and try to hold out. But then that bitch is taking her sweet old time getting out of there. She does her business and takes like 10 minutes fastening up her pants. I’m like good, she almost out of here, then she washes up... great, even closer to alone time… but then I don’t hear little footsteps walking away. Now she’s checking her teeth in the mirror or brushing her hair or I don’t know what, but it’s freaking rude. You know someone is in a stall, and they are obviously, purposely being very quiet, so you should understand it’s not just a pee-and-done type of situation. But she lingers. Sometimes I literally want to tell her to get the hell out, but then that sort of blows my poo cover, so I just hold it, which I imagine is not good for your health. Sometimes I hold it so long it actually goes away – has that ever happened to you? The pressure must have pushed it back up the colon to wait for a better opportunity. Also, doesn’t seem good for your health. Maybe I’m the only one with this type of b-room concerns, but ladies let’s try to be mindful of our fellow poopers and get in and out of the bathroom as quickly as possible – but of course don’t forget to wash your hands!

Funny side note is, I can't poo in public, but for some reason I have no problem pooing with the door open in my place when there are people there. You just run the water in the sink, it masks any unfortunate sounds and throws them off - causes confusion so no one really knows what you are doing in there. Smart strategy.