The Ettes Dole Out Christmas Presents

In the spirit of the holiday season, the Ettes have bounded together to do a mitzvah and offer prezzies...

FREE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FOR ANYONE WHO MEETS THESE REQUIREMENTS:

1. If you are under the age of 16.
2. If your family obviously is too busy sharing the limelight with your white trash sister to be concerned about your whereabouts, thus rendering you lonely with no one to "guide" you. (What would Jesus do?)
3. If you are stupid and cute, a volatile combination.
4. If you don't own a car, pay your own bills, live on your own or have at least the equivalent of a high school education, but you have a pretty wicked Barbie collection and you can still fit in a Tonka truck.
   
5. If you live with the belief that having enough money can make raising a child "easy" or that it will make you cool.
6. If you think the best thing about having a baby is being able to buy cute clothes with fun slogans on them like "My Mom's a MILF" --or even more simply, you believe you will be a MILF and that is pretty cool.
   
7. If you don't know how to operate a washing machine.
8. If you have received any tickets in the last 6 months for the following offenses; running over people's feet with your car, going the wrong way on a one-way street, shoplifting or driving while under the influence of anything other than POM juice.

If you meet these requirements, the Ette's will gladly fatten your holiday stocking (and not your anorexic belly) by filling it to the brim with birth control pills. Please note if you should only meet some of the aforementioned requirements, well, you still suck and would probably ruin a poor child's life so we'll give you some B.C. too.