New Year's Noshing, Chugging and Partying Advice

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a New Year's buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much as you can. And quickly. Enjoy it. Drink the highest-caloric choices whenever available. Punches, fruity martinis, anything frozen. Do it up and do it up right; I mean, you've always wanted to be the life of the party, right? New Year's Eve is for last "bad decisions" of the year; New Year's Day is for repenting for them.

3. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

4. Under no circumstances should you hesitate to eat whatever you want. What if Armageddon occurred at the strike of midnight? Would you like to go down emaciated? Stop thinking Ashley Olsen; think 28 Days Later, people.

5. Wear something sparkly. Glitter is always good. You want to leave an impression on everyone you meet and having them spend the first week of the New Year picking glitter out of bizarre places like eye creases and nose hair. Give them something to remember you by.

6. If you are going to a club or bar, hire one of your siblings or friends to follow you around with a camera capturing all your stupid antics all night; there's no better way to follow through with your resolutions than to witness your drunken debauchery on film the morning after.

7. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Now go on, readerettes...have a Happy New Year!