Did you miss me?

Just say yes so I feel good.  I mean 2 totally rocked it while I was away, you know you were all singing "revved up like a douche in the middle of the night."  But she deserves a creativity break and I will pick up some of the complaining slack.  I am sure you are eager to hear about my exploits over the past week, so here are the lowlights.

Traveled to Tahoe for lawyerette and her big head husband's big wedding day.  Sisette and bro-in-law booked these ridiculous early morning tickets out to Reno.  Apparently there is no direct flight from the East Coast out to Tahoe - what the fuck is that about.  They figured since we were traveling with the wee one, we should get there nice and early and get her all settled in.  So we took a 5:50 am flight, which meant we had to get up at 4 am.  I considered staying up so I could just sleep on the plane, but by 12:30 I got tired and cranky and packed it in.  But here was my concern with the early wake up call.   I have a very delicate system - my body has a routine.  Normally I wake up by about 8:05 and immediately need a pee break.  Then I get dressed and ready for work, have a little sip of water and in about 20 mins I'm ready for a quick poo before I run out the door, late for work as usual.  As long as I don't stray from that

 schedule, I'm in gastrointestinal peace.  But at 4 am, my system is not ready to poo - it's confused and scared and doesn't understand why we are not cuddled in bed.  So I get ready and pack my things, about to leave, but my stomach is in a state of shock.  It knows we've been up for 20 minutes, it enjoyed some cool water, but it's not quite ready to move things along.  So I need to leave to make the flight on time - well then the stomach is really confused and kinda pissed and makes the rest of my morning an unhappy one.  

Anyway, we get to the airport and we had a stop at McD's which set my stomach back on the right course - I can always count on them for that.   We take forever, but finally get through security, they made us take the freaking baby's shoes off - like they are plastic, see-through sandals - aren't we taking this too far guys?!  And upon my insisting we gave her a morning breakfast of cheerios and baby tylenol to get her good and drugged up before take off.  Much to our surprise, Angel Baby stayed true to her name and was a perfect little flyer.  Can't say the same for little Jakey behind us.  Pain-in-the-ass, little shit kid who kicked my seat, whined, cryed and sucked the whole flight.  The thing was if he was like semi-cute I could have dealt - but he was not so it was annoying. 

About a thousand hours later, and a stop in Houston - eww-  we arrive in Reno - better known as the country's litter box.  All hot and sandy and icky.  And its really freaking dry out there.  Your eyeballs are like burning the second you land and the moisture is sucked out of your skin - it's weird and totally uncomfortable. I wanted to bathe in body oil the whole time.  I missed my gross soupy, humid, NY climate. 

We made our way out to Tahoe which is freaking beautiful, the mountains shoot straight up, the sky is blue, the lake is majestic, blah blah. Oh you know what's strange about that place - you will not see a non-white person at all, the entire time.  They were on our flight and hanging at the airport- but not a single one of them made it out to Tahoe. It was bizarro - but I guess a good place if you are a KKK member on vaca.  And people there thought we were french for some reason - so we just went with it.  If blacks aren't allowed in, we figured they wouldn't want a bunch of jooooos there.  

So the week was great, nice hiking on ski slopes, gondola rides, lake, kayak, pools.  I had about as much fun as you can have away with your immediate family for a week without your boyfriend.  No one got hurt - so it was a win win.  The wedding was lovely.  I guess it was called for 5, so my family arrives a respectable 25 minutes late like you're supposed to - well no one else got that memo.  By the time we rolled up, everyone was seated and the processional had already begun.  We didn't notice that of course and were honking to people we recognized in the parking lot, which was situated like right next to the outdoor wedding locale, so we made a big scene and probably annoyed half the guests.  We spent the rest of the ceremony arguing amongst ourselves about the start time - "how could it have been 5, must have 4:30, who arrives on time for a wedding, who starts a wedding on time?"  Then we realized our arguing was disturbing the wedding too, so we clammed up.  But it was beautiful and the couple was happy, so all is well.  I guess they decided not to register but asked for donations

 to some nature charity instead.  But that's bullshit.  The whole reason to get married is to get freaking gifts.  I'll give to charity on my own time thank you very much, you guys are getting a toaster. 

Oh the craziest thing is that there were signs for wildlife around, like bears in the neighborhood and coyotes and stuff and the whole week we were obsessed with seeing some - to no avail.  But then one night at 3 am we hear what sounds like 12, 14-year-old girls screaming bloody murder and then laughing insanely out in the forest.  It went on for 20 minutes, it was horrifying.  I guess it was a pack of coyotes on the hunt.  Awful sound - I missed my comforting city nighttime sounds - the noise of cranky cops shuffling bums off the street, drunken college kids stumbling out of a bar and squeaky trash trucks leaving half the garbage strewed along the block.  

OK, you are probably bored by now, so I'll wrap up.  Check out the pic below - look close.  We don't even know that creepy guy.  Ew.