What Happens on Fire Island...

...unfortunately doesn't stay on Fire Island, thanks to the advent of digital cameras with video functionality. And iPhones.

This weekend, a gaggle of gals headed to the island for some fun in the sun and drunken revelry. And boy, was it ever. Ten ladies in a house with one bathroom - this posed the first problem; I officially learned the hard way what happens when you hold your poo for 48 hours. Eggs and bacon don't help.

I'll spare you the gory details, and instead just provide you with one little gem of an exchange, which occurred at a bar called Flynn's on Saturday evening:

(Ette2, standing at the bar, ordering a round of lemon drop shots - guy walks up to bar, exchange begins)

Guy: (gives Ette2 the up/down checkout) So, what's your story - you got a boyfriend?

Ette2: (holds up her left hand and smiles) Sure do, except he's my husband now.

Guy: That's a shame. Just tell me one thing - does he treat you right?

Ette2: (laughs so hard something comes out of her nose) Did you really just ask me that?

And so, a cliche lives on. Guys are ridiculously lame, married women are intriguing. But not stupid.

All in all, friendette Minispice had a grande time. She even dressed up in a tutu at the end of the night and cast magic spells on the rest of us, pirouette and all.

So I conclude with a quick list of the valuable lessons I've learned this weekend:

1) I am way too old to sleep in a bunk bed - on the top bunk.

2) Wine, tequila, frangelica, vodka and beer don't mix. Not when you put them all together and certainly not when you follow one up with the next.

3 Eating seafood for dinner, just prior to drinking all of the above is a silly, silly idea.

4) Mothers and mother-in-laws who can party with you until 3:30 in the morning, laugh when guys try to flirt with you on your bachelorette night, make you breakfast in the morning and clean up afterward are pretty friggin cool.

5) When you ask a bunch of married chicks and moms "what they're into" don't be surprised when you get responses like "crossword puzzles, naptime, Hanna Montana and sweatpants."