Are you loving this whole teen pregnancy pact as much as I am?

Something like 17 17-year-olds in a Mass high school got together and all decided to get knocked up – one was so desperate to do so she screwed a homeless man.

Here’s the thing, I blame Nicole Richie. She looked too freaking cute during her pregnancy, cute clothes, cute body, cute reformed – formerly bad-boy boyfriend, cute everything. And then she pops out a super cute baby with a cute name and has her body back in like 10 minutes. Damn, she makes me want to do the deed too. In nine short months, she went from misguided Hollywood badgirl to A-list star status with a new-found respectful, even pious image.

But for those of you considering making a pact of your own. Here’s what they don’t show you in US Weekly:

• Your baby will cry, probably all the time, you won’t know why, you won’t be able to stop it and it’s annoying.
• You will not sleep, your baby needs to be fed, burped, changed, rocked, etc every two hours – not exaggerating. So you will be tired, bone tired, want to die tired. That is when your baby will cry. Not little sad weeping, it’s angry, aggressive, intense screaming and the more you try to soothe them, the more they will yell. And then they do this thing where they arch their back and become all stiff so you can barely hold them – while they are crying.
  
• You will put them in the crib in frustration but that makes it worse, and then you worry that neighbors will hear and that they’ll call some sort of child service organization to your apartment, you think for a moment that might be a good thing, maybe they’ll take the baby away, but then realize there will be courts involved etc so you pick the kid up again, continued crying.
• For the first 5-6 months of life, your baby will not show any pleasure in being with you. They will not smile, they will not hug and they will not say thank you.
• You think for a moment that they are smiling but then you realize that they just have gas.
• Your baby will however cry when you leave the room, so things like going to the bathroom, or showering become complicated – you actually have to have someone else in the house to watch the kid so you can do those things. It won’t be your husband or boyfriend because they will leave the house to do other more interesting things. So you shower far less regularly, you smell your friends don’t visit as often.
• Your baby will poop and it’s gross and when you try to change their diaper, they’ll squirm around and get poo on you and the table, which you have to clean.
• You will get fat, everyone does, no avoiding it.
• Your vag will get stretched out.
• You can't ever leave the kid alone, so you can't vacation, you can't gym, you can't shop and you can't even take a walk without making arrangements for the baby.
• Your life will suck

Pregnancy pact that bitches, I'm going on vacation with my well-rested, tight, free-time having, chilllaxin self.