You Know Your Country is in a State of Disrepair, Worse Off Than a Gender-Confused Hooker Addicted to Meth When...

the President of the United States of America throws the first pitch at the opening day baseball game and is met with a stadium of BOO's.

Bugger

Now that the world knows I smoked pot (I didn't inhale) I guess it's safe to say I can never run for office.

Damn it, Ette1.

Now I pass the coolness onto you...

Paul Revere Lyrics
Artist(Band):Beastie Boys

Now here's a little story, I've got to tell
About three bad brothers, you know so well
It started way back in history
With Adrock, M.C.A., and me, Mike D.
Been had a little horsy named Paul Revere
Just me and my horsy and a quart of beer
Riding across the land, kicking up sand
Sheriff's posse on my tail cause I'm in demand
One lonely Beastie I be
All by myself, with nobody
The sun is beating down on my baseball hat
The air is gettin' hot, the beer is getting flat
Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy
His name is M.C.A., I said, "Howdy", he said, "Hi"


He told a little story, that sounded well rehearsed
Four days on the run and that he's dying of thirst
The brew was in my hand, and he was on my tip
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry, he asked me for a sip
He said, "Can I get some?"
I said, "You can't get none!"
Had a chance to run
Pulled out his shotgun
Quick on the draw, I thought I'd be dead
He put the gun to my head and this is what he said,


"Now my name is M.C.A., I've got a license to kill
I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ill
Now what do we have here, an outlaw and his beer
I run this land, you understand, I make myself clear."
We stepped into the wind, he had a gun, I had a grin
You think this story's over but it's ready to begin


Now, "I got the gun, you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can blow you away or you can ride with me" I said,
I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border
The sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter
I did it like this, I did it like that
I did it with a whiffleball bat
So I'm on the run, the cop's got my gun
And right about now, it's time to have some fun
The King Adrock, that is my name
And I know the fly spot where they got the champagne."
We rode for six hours then we hit the spot
The beat was a bumping and the girlies was hot
This dude was staring like he knows who we are
We took the empty spot next to him at the bar
M.C.A. said, "Yo, you know this kid?"
I said, "I didn't.", but I know he did
The kid said, "Get ready cause this ain't funny
My name's Mike D. and I'm about to get money."
Pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the sky
He yelled, "Stick 'em up!", and let two fly
Hands went up and people hit the floor
He wasted two kids that ran for the door
"I'm Mike D. and I get respect
Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect"
M.C.A. was with it and he's my ace
So I grabbed the piano player and I punched him in the face
The piano player's out, the music stopped
His boy had beef, and he got dropped
Mike D. grabbed the money, M.C.A. snatched the gold
I grabbed two girlies and a beer that's cold.

I'm cool

Cut to 13 years ago, I was a little baby-ette basically traveling around the globe for the first time without parental supervision. My teen tour to Israel was where I met Ette 2, then just a wee young
thing from Delaware. Naturally as 16-year-olds we thought we were hot shit; we had boobs, good style and the perfect ‘Mean Girls’ kind of attitude that made everyone else hate us and want to be our friends at the same time. We were desperate to be cool and appear cool to others – so when Laslia Swarez (another lily white jewish girl from suburban Philly) and I met Ette 2, we were blown away. She was kind of bad-ass, she smoked weed and was into rap music. Little Laslia and I hit it off with her immediately and sought her help in making us more urbane and interesting. So she began by teaching us some of her favorite rap songs – we wanted to learn the lyrics, word for word. Something about singing Big Papa lyrics (Throw your hands in air, if you a true playa) made us feel like we were edgy and cooler than everyone else listening to Hootie and the Blowfish. And since this was before the internets, we couldn’t just google the lyrics, 2 memorized them and wrote them down for us so. Laslia and I practiced the Beastie Boy’s Paul Revere for the entire summer, we kept our notes with us even after the trip and would refer back to them from time to time to keep it fresh, keep the song within us, and to this day either of us can deliver the entire song, note for note, with out missing a beat.

All of that effort culminated in my crowning glory moment this weekend. I agreed to join a friend for b-day Karaoke, but being painfully insecure about my singing voice, I knew it would take a whole lotta strength and a whole lotta alcohol to get me up on that mic. So as I sit in our private room sipping my third white wine and dreading my turn up at front… all of the sudden I hear the classic intro notes. Someone plugged in Paul Revere. Here I am, I’ve prepared for this moment, this is my song, this is my time. I feel the blood surge in my body, I feel the lights beaming down on me, I rise and in one swift movement I’m at the front of the room, mic in my hand, ready to blow. And I deliver the ultimate Karaoke rendition of Paul Revere, used just the right speed, the right intonations and accents, didn’t stop to catch my breath. Everyone in the room fell silent, there was a look of awe and surprise, all they could do was groove with me – it was too powerful for even them to understand. After the song finished, I was lifted up on to someone’s shoulders and carried around the room… ok that part isn’t true, but everyone was freaking impressed and I solidified my rep once and for all. I am cool!

It's an Ette world, and you all are just living in it

We glove you, we do. But it's Friday, it's 6:41 according to Dell and it's time for a drink. So what are my kvetches to you?

1) Airfare is way overpriced.

2) Gas is way overpriced.

3) Starbuck's is way overpriced.

4) Chanel is way overpriced.

5) I hat ethe last name Dalton.

6) Next Wednesday is an important day in Ette2 history.

7) Ette1 sucks because she took the day off today to play with her little dog, and considers a picture of said dog a relevent post.

8) Changing your last name is a pain in the arse.

9) My Spanx tights ended up in the wash by accident and now they fit poorly.

10) Sometimes, boogers get caught in my nose ring and lately it has become a huge peeve of mine.

11) It's interesting to me how one day Britney Spears is topping everybody's Death Pool as a certified crazy and a day later she's starring on tv shows and people are mentioning the word "Emmy" with regard to her performance.

Now get out of here.

It's Animal Planet all day at my house

I love Suzanne Whang

The first segment of this video is Suzanne as Polly on that show Las Vegas. "Porry" is my all time favorite (and super-underrated) television character.




The next is Suzanne as her stand up comedy alias, Sung Hee Park.



But I believe we all know her best simply as the host of HGTV's House Hunters.

"I'm Suzanne Whang!" "I'm Suzanne Whang!" "I'm Suzanne Whang!"

The Power of Prayer?

Have you heard about this 11-year-old girl from Wisconsin – she had type 1 diabetes, but instead of getting her medical help, her parents opted to pray for her. She became extremely ill and in a month’s time fell into a coma and died. Now I’m all for religious freedom and appreciate everyone’s right to practice their beliefs – but some things are not ok. This poor child could have lived a long healthy life, with totally nut-job parents, but still she could have lived. This raises the point that it’s amazing we let just about any freakshow give birth. I think there should be some sort of test before people are allowed to conceive. Some questionnaire that requires at least a passing grade before you can pop a kid out. We get tested before we are allowed to drive because of the awesome responsibility – I think child rearing should be considered at least as big a deal. Here are the questions I’d ask:

- Do you believe aliens have visited the planet earth – or are currently living here among us?

- Do you believe magic elves actually make Christmas presents?

- Do you think the power of positive thinking will resolve all problems?

- Does money grow on trees?

- Do you think you can understand what your dog is thinking/saying?

- Do you think you can understand what George Bush is saying?

If you answered yes to 3 or more, you are crazy and denied parenthood. Get a dog instead.

Keepin' Up With the Times

Ah, Judy Blume. She was my personal Maya Angelou. My Proust. My Hemingway all rolled into one ultra-femme pre-pubescent exploratory author. I just found out that in an effort to keep up with the evolution of our culture, her novels' covers have undergone makeovers in order to appeal to the contemporary, more "mature" 11 year old. Forever, first printed in 1975, has gone from having a sweet, innocent locket on the cover to showing the legs of a boy and a girl on the bed together and a note from the author to readers about STD's. Wow. Times they are a changin'. The last thing I was thinking about when I was 11 years old was STDs. Sure, I wanted to hang out with boys.I had a pretty sweet crush on this kid with the slickest skater cut ever - Mike Riches. He used to wear a Vision Street Wear shirt every day to school. I even wished myself to have boobs, and I kid you not, I woke up one morning and had gone from being completely flat chested to having a full rack - literally overnight.

Jeez, I owe Judy a big thanks. She taught me how to be a brat, how to get what I want, how to improve my bust, how to potentially raise a family in an apartment (Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing), about Hitler, sex (Forever), male masturbation (Then Again, Maybe I Won't), scoliosis and sexual tension (Deenie), periods (Are You There God? It's Me Margaret). Basically, she taught me everything my parents were afraid to talk to me about. Come to think of it, my parents never talked to me about sex or relationships at all - might explain all those "mistakes" I made as a young impressionable teen. Not that I'm blaming you, Dad, sex talk with you with all your "Uh's" would have made for a verrrrrrry long conversation.

What do kids today have? Gossip Girl. The Hills. iPhones. Youtube. Facebook. Crazy, right? I think I have just made an executive decision not to have kids. Because by the time my kids would grow up to be 12, Judy Blume's covers will have some celebrity's crotch on the cover as they exit their limo.

It's Tax Time!

Tax season is upon us. If you haven’t filed, then you better get going cause April is sneaking up on us and the last thing you want is the evil tax man coming to repossess your Louboutins. I went to a new guy this morning who was a total shyster – just like I like! He was asking me all these questions about potential work expenses including normal things like cell phone bills, transportation, etc, but then we got into the “other” categories, can I itemize for my cable bill – I need to stay up on pop culture for my job – yes I can! What about clothes – I’m required to look good – hey throw that in. What about entertainment – I’m in PR, I need to make friends – sure I usually bill back any business lunches to clients – but as he noted “there are always those few drinks you feel bad about expensing, they count let’s throw them in too.” So I’m looking at a big fat refund check coming my way which will come in handy, because I’m traveling for a few weddings this year and could use the cash. I wonder if I can figure out a way to itemize for wedding gifts and travel… I mean getting away from work helps revive me and when I return I’m more efficient and dedicated because I had a little break. So it seems to me vacationing is a totally acceptable work-related expense, I’ll call my accountant to check.

The Ettes Guide to Surviving the Recession

As our economy literally goes to hell in a handbasket, we'd like to give you some ideas and ways to battle the storm and try to stay on top. Hope these help.

1. Your stocks may be plummeting, but thankfully your boobs haven't yet. Put those assets to good use and start up a boob-view web cam. Charge people $10 and then flash them your boobs, online. People will always pay for porn, even when they can't pay their utilities.


2. Go through your closet and pull out all the clothes with tags still on them. Now go return all the clothes. So what if you bought half the stuff pre-Bush administration? The tags are still on, that means they are unworn and YOU don't want or need them anymore. Take 'em back and while you're at it cause a scene at the register if they give you a hard time. Tears usually help. Something to the effect of putting food on the table usually works.


3. Now is the time to get all your pals to buck up and pay you back the money you loaned to them last week/month/decade. Remember when you gave Sue $5.00 at lunch because she lost her wallet? Well Sue never paid you back, and now's as good a time as ever to collect. Who cares that she no longer works with you/recently lost her spouse in a boating accident/overdosed on anti-depressants/lost her job. Five dollars is five dollars. All that money might come in handy soon.


4. Start buying all your stuff in bulk, at Costco. Like 10 lb containers of salted peanuts. Use only the amount you need and return the rest. They have an extremely liberal return policy, and you can absolutely convince them that after using three meals-worth something just didn't taste right and you want your money back. Trust me, they will give it to you. In cash.


5. Have a yard sale and put all your wares out on the lawn. Dress like a gypsy and then sell all your things, as well as your tears, which you have bottled. You have too many possessions anyway. Stop being so materialistic.


6. Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Who cares if you get fat?? The economy is going to hell in a handbasket, remember? What's next? Armageddon?

This is just a starter. We will update as necessary. In the meantime, grab that bottle of booze and just drink. It really does numb the pain.

I'm short

And it causes a lot of problems. I’m not freakishly short, I’m 5 2 which is probably a few inches under the average female height but certainly way off from model stature. But even at 62 inches high I’m at a disadvantage. As I sit to type this, my feet don’t touch the ground, they just dangle off of my chair swaying in the wind. And I’m always trying to adjust to get comfortable, I usually sit Indian-style, or with both legs bent back to one side – not a very professional look for the office, especially when you’re in a skirt – then inevitably blood circulation gets cut off and I cramp up and am in pain, sometimes I’ll stretch my feet out and rest them on the computer tower under my desk. After the third time it fell over and crashed my system I stopped doing that. But it’s not just sitting that’s annoying. I can’t buy a normal pair of pants, everything needs to be hemmed. I can’t see over people in movie theaters, I have to climb up on the counter top to reach anything in my kitchen and instead of folding clothes to put on a high shelf I just toss them, hoping I’ll remember it’s up there when I want to wear it again. I’m like a Who living in Horton’s world. Maybe that’s why I love that TLC show Little People Big World. What sucks is that most of my problems I can fix; feel a little crazy-see a therapist, feel a little tubby-go to the gym, sight a little blurry-get lasic, nose a little oversized-get a little rhinoplasty… not much you can do for feel a little short other than wear high heels. So I feel justified buying Louboutins, it’s essentially a medical expense, I’m going to see if my insurance will cover it.

Praise the Ette!

A little praise goes a long way. I'm serious, readerettes. I tell husbandette this all the time, that positive reinforcement and acknowledgement of a job well done is key to getting a warm and fuzzy kinda wifette/friendette/kvetchette in return. Today I got work praise. That's right, they called me the Write Stuff. I was Wilhelmina Wordsworth. I put the asstic in Fantastic.

Seriously though...I know you've all been there. You are fairly certain that you are good at what you do - or at the very least, you believe you are adequate. You are comfortable in your job because your stellar, "winner" personality holds up to the best of them, and everybody knows it's all about the people skills anyway. (You know the old adage, "It's not WHAT you know, but WHO you know" - and we all know that includes "how funny/cool/interesting we are.") So most of you have probably felt like, "thank god for my good looks and A+ personality or else I would probably be pink-slipped." No? None of you have ever felt that way? Oh. Sigh.

Well I have and I'm not ashamed. Call it "intelligence insecurity" but when it's just me and my crossword I am the Hostess with the Mostest. When it comes to my writing for work, I second guess myself a million times over and then am still not happy with what I submit. But nine times out of ten, people really really like it. Well today, they REALLY really really liked it. I was clever! I was fresh! I was a stylish word maven! I juxtaposed fantasy with reality! I was aspirational! I was tongue in cheek! My head is so big right now I could join the Macy's Day Parade as an EtteFloat.

So anyway, there's no kvetch from me today. No sirree. Let's just say you might see my work in that good old paper they call the New York Times, and don't be surprised if you see my crafty words in Domino Magazine as well. Just think...you can say you knew me when I was just a kvetch.

And all is right with the world

Phone envy

I have cell phone envy. In a big way. Everyone has cool fancy blackberries and can surf the web while listening to music, their phones are slim and cute and expensive looking. And here I am strolling around with my big stupid, clunky, works-just-fine-but-isn’t-fancy reliable phone. I hate it. So I made up my mind – I’m getting the iphone! And this weekend, I did. Well my mom got it for me – belated birthday gift. (Thanks mom and dad!) But before you get all up in arms because it’s such an extravagant gift – we bought a refurbished iphone – which basically means someone bought and didn’t love it, and they clean it, box and sell it for half the price – fine by me!

So now I have no time to blog because I’m so busy falling in love with my phone. Want to know the weather for tomorrow – I can tell you. Want to know the weather in London – easy! Interested in learning how your stocks are doing, one touch and you're there. Take pictures, listen to music, access your calendar, get driving directions, send emails, text and watch videos on youtube. Oh yeah and make phone calls. The fact that I will likely only use maybe two of those functions and my fingers are too fat to type on the touch screen is not the point at all. The point is that I now have a fancy phone, which means I’ll take it out and place on the table at every meal, wave it around on the street, talk about it to friends and basically just be obnoxious with it so that it’s clear to everyone that my phone is better than your phone. Now Apple – please take your time in developing the next version of the iphone that will probably cook your dinner for you, because I can’t afford it and can’t deal with the phone envy any more.

I don't understand Gentiles

So husbandette and I had a nice day off yesterday due to "Good Friday." Didn't even really know what this was until H-ette informed me that it had something to do with the day Christ was crucified, or something to that effect. Hmm. Seems an important day in Christianity, wouldn't you say? Important enough for the stock markets to close, companies to declare it a national holiday, and allow citizens the right to celebrate this "holiday" as they deem fit.

I would like to know then, why when H-ette and I arrived at Woodbury Commons in an effort to infuse our wardrobe with some fun spring staples, was there nary a parking space in sight, due to the mobs and crowds of people. "Good Friday Sale!" screamed signs from outlet shop windows. Good Friday sale? Celebrate the commemoration of Christ's death by purchasing Gucci at 60% off retail!! What could be better?

Now this crowd could have very well consisted of all Jews, but we know that's pretty unlikely. The only place you find Jews in abundance in public are Great Adventure and Chinese restaurants on Christmas. So it's safe to assume that a good percentage of these discount shoppers were gentile.

When it's Passover, you don't see Jews taking holiday from work and perusing around shopping malls and such. We use our holidays to truly do penance for our sins. Passover? We are forced to shelf bread and bread byproducts for a WEEK, and additionally we are forced to spend two consecutive nights eating the exact same meal, of which we have to sit at the table and wait two hours to eat while we read from the Hagadah. Fun, right? And then there's Yom Kippur, where we starve ourselves for a full 24 hours. Yeah, good times. And Hannukah? Even Hannukah is traditionally pretty lame, forcing children to sit around and spin a top for gelt. And we don't even get off from work for these "holidays."

Not that I'm knocking the non-Jews. I think there's plenty you offer us of which I will always enjoy partaking in. Like my newly inducted Christmukkah holiday celebration, which gives us the best of both worlds. I also like your holiday hams - they are quite tasty and I would choose this over tongue any day. And while I've never celebrated Easter per se, I think it's awfully cute that you paint eggs for the children. Arts and crafts is good for the soul.

Lastly, please someone explain to me why this is called "Good Friday." Shouldn't it be called Bad Friday? Or Sad Friday? Or Bad Sad Friday? I mean, sheesh - what kind of mixed message is this? I remain confused.

What the World Was Predicted To Be Like

Found a fun article from Good Housekeeping circa 1900 (I just happened to have saved that issue) and it gave their studied predictions of what our world would be like right about now. I'd like to recall a few of these for your reading pleasure. I've gone ahead and taken the liberty of deleting ones that I don't find interesting.

Prediction #1: There will probably be from 350,000,000 to 500,000,000 people in America and its possessions by the lapse of another century. Nicaragua will ask for admission to our Union after the completion of the great canal. Mexico will be next. Europe, seeking more territory to the south of us, will cause many of the South and Central American republics to be voted into the Union by their own people.”

Guess this gives you an idea of the amount of VJ women were giving up back then. They probably took that finite number and did their math and came up with this little diddy. I will use this excuse from now on when complained to about any sort of frequency issues.

Prediction #3: Gymnastics will begin in the nursery, where toys and games will be designed to strengthen the muscles. Exercise will be compulsory in the schools. Every school, college and community will have a complete gymnasium. All cities will have public gymnasiums. A man or woman unable to walk ten miles at a stretch will be regarded as a weakling.

Hahahaha....ten miles?? This gives you an idea of where we should be fitness-wise. I don't think I've ever walked ten miles straight. I know I do a mile on the treadmill (fast walk, not run because running is for people who have somewhere to be) and I shvitz like a construction worker in August.

Prediction #4: There Will Be No Street Cars in Our Large Cities. All hurry traffic will be below or high above ground when brought within city limits. In most cities it will be confined to broad subways or tunnels, well lighted and well ventilated, or to high trestles with “moving-sidewalk” stairways leading to the top. These underground or overhead streets will teem with capacious automobile passenger coaches and freight with cushioned wheels. Subways or trestles will be reserved for express trains. Cities, therefore, will be free from all noises.

Prediction #6: Automobiles will be cheaper than horses are today. Farmers will own automobile hay-wagons, automobile truck-wagons, plows, harrows and hay-rakes. A one-pound motor in one of these vehicles will do the work of a pair of horses or more. Children will ride in automobile sleighs in winter. Automobiles will have been substituted for every horse vehicle now known. There will be, as already exist today, automobile hearses, automobile police patrols, automobile ambulances, automobile street sweepers. The horse in harness will be as scarce, if, indeed, not even scarcer, then as the yoked ox is today.

They said 'automobile sleighs.' That's almost as funny as President Bush saying 'The Googles.'

Prediction #9: Photographs will be telegraphed from any distance. If there be a battle in China a hundred years hence snapshots of its most striking events will be published in the newspapers an hour later. Even to-day photographs are being telegraphed over short distances. Photographs will reproduce all of Nature’s colors.

No wonder my Bubby can't grasp the Internets. Folk from shortly before her time expected our greatest advancement to be color photographs.

Prediction #11: No Mosquitoes nor Flies. Insect screens will be unnecessary. Mosquitoes, house-flies and roaches will have been practically exterminated. Boards of health will have destroyed all mosquito haunts and breeding-grounds, drained all stagnant pools, filled in all swamp-lands, and chemically treated all still-water streams. The extermination of the horse and its stable will reduce the house-fly.

Prediction #12: Peas as Large as Beets. Peas and beans will be as large as beets are to-day. Sugar cane will produce twice as much sugar as the sugar beet now does. Cane will once more be the chief source of our sugar supply. The milkweed will have been developed into a rubber plant. Cheap native rubber will be harvested by machinery all over this country. Plants will be made proof against disease microbes just as readily as man is to-day against smallpox. The soil will be kept enriched by plants which take their nutrition from the air and give fertility to the earth.

Prediction #13: Strawberries as Large as Apples will be eaten by our great-great-grandchildren for their Christmas dinners a hundred years hence. Raspberries and blackberries will be as large. One will suffice for the fruit course of each person. Strawberries and cranberries will be grown upon tall bushes. Cranberries, gooseberries and currants will be as large as oranges. One cantaloupe will supply an entire family. Melons, cherries, grapes, plums, apples, pears, peaches and all berries will be seedless. Figs will be cultivated over the entire United States.

And blueberries taste like blueberries! And shnozberries taste like shnozberries! Violet, you're turning violet!

Prediction #15: No Foods will be Exposed. Storekeepers who expose food to air breathed out by patrons or to the atmosphere of the busy streets will be arrested with those who sell stale or adulterated produce. Liquid-air refrigerators will keep great quantities of food fresh for long intervals.

Goodbye unsanitary salad bar! All you can eat Buffets will all close their doors! America will lose weight! Maybe then we could all walk ten miles straight.

Prediction #16: There will be No C, X or Q in our every-day alphabet. They will be abandoned because unnecessary. Spelling by sound will have been adopted, first by the newspapers. English will be a language of condensed words expressing condensed ideas, and will be more extensively spoken than any other. Russian will rank second.

Exquise me? I quiver to think of the axing of our country's language.

Prediction #17: How Children will be Taught. A university education will be free to every man and woman. Several great national universities will have been established. Children will study a simple English grammar adapted to simplified English, and not copied after the Latin. Time will be saved by grouping like studies. Poor students will be given free board, free clothing and free books if ambitious and actually unable to meet their school and college expenses. Medical inspectors regularly visiting the public schools will furnish poor children free eyeglasses, free dentistry and free medical attention of every kind. The very poor will, when necessary, get free rides to and from school and free lunches between sessions. In vacation time poor children will be taken on trips to various parts of the world. Etiquette and housekeeping will be important studies in the public schools.

hahahahaahahahahahaahahaha....

Prediction #20: Coal will not be used for heating or cooking. It will be scarce, but not entirely exhausted. The earth’s hard coal will last until the year 2050 or 2100; its soft-coal mines until 2200 or 2300. Meanwhile both kinds of coal will have become more and more expensive. Man will have found electricity manufactured by waterpower to be much cheaper. Every river or creek with any suitable fall will be equipped with water-motors, turning dynamos, making electricity. Along the seacoast will be numerous reservoirs continually filled by waves and tides washing in. Out of these the water will be constantly falling over revolving wheels. All of our restless waters, fresh and salt, will thus be harnessed to do the work which Niagara is doing today: making electricity for heat, light and fuel.

Wow we are wasteful, stupid, ignorant bastards.

Prediction #27: Few drugs will be swallowed or taken into the stomach unless needed for the direct treatment of that organ itself. Drugs needed by the lungs, for instance, will be applied directly to those organs through the skin and flesh. They will be carried with the electric current applied without pain to the outside skin of the body. Microscopes will lay bare the vital organs, through the living flesh, of men and animals. The living body will to all medical purposes be transparent. Not only will it be possible for a physician to actually see a living, throbbing heart inside the chest, but he will be able to magnify and photograph any part of it. This work will be done with rays of invisible light.

Prediction #28: There will be no wild animals except in menageries. Rats and mice will have been exterminated. The horse will have become practically extinct. A few of high breed will be kept by the rich for racing, hunting and exercise. The automobile will have driven out the horse. Cattle and sheep will have no horns. They will be unable to run faster than the fattened hog of today. A century ago the wild hog could outrun a horse. Food animals will be bred to expend practically all of their life energy in producing meat, milk, wool and other by-products. Horns, bones, muscles and lungs will have been neglected.

In other ew news...

This couple made sweaters out of their dearly departed dogs' hair. Ew, ew, ew.


They spent years picking up hair that was shed all over their pad and saved it to give to some freakshow woman who weaves a wool out of the stuff.


Bambi I love you, but I spend half my day trying to peel your disgusting fur off all my clothes so that I can look presentable at work - there is no way I'm wearing your hair little ass around as a shirt.

Note to celebrities

If you ever aspire to be famous, are already famous, were famous, know someone famous - don't freaking pose for pictures of any sort with your clothes off.

Don't let your boyfriend talk you into it - even if he promises to delete them after
Don't let your husband just make one little tape
Don't flash your friends at your bachelorette party
Don't go to New Orleans at all
Don't get drunk if you happen to be wearing a bikini
Just don't.
It's stupid, someone some day will sell them for money. And then every perv with a computer (including a certain pants I know) will download them and think dirty thoughts.

Is anyone faithful anymore?

Moments after our new governor is sworn in, both he and his wife admit to having had affairs during their marriage - to avoid any messy scandals hitting them later. Affairs that lasted several years. WTF people? Does anyone stay faithful in a relationship?! And the worst detail of the news is that he used to take his side bitch the the Days Inn on the UWS - and worse yet, he took his wifey there for little trists too. Ewwwwwwww. First - you are the vice governor (or whatever his title was) - can't you find a better hotel? And second - can't you find a different one to take your freaking wife to? Ew ew ew. These are powerful, busy guys, how is it that they find so much time for hotel stays with sluts. I have to schedule a weekend away months in advance around my busy work schedule and I'm basically a glorified lipstick salesman - how are these guys so free for slutting around all the time?

OK, in the interest of full disclosure in case I become famous some day here's my secrets. Mom and Dad - don't read.

- I totally didn't write my high school English thesis paper, I basically copied my friend's from another school. Something about Tennessee Williams - never even read the book. Thanks Leslie!
- I may have smoked marijuana - but I never inhaled.
- Took the morning-after pill once.
- The GPA on my resume is only slight embellished and maybe my "working knowledge of Hebrew" consists of 'where's the bathroom' and 'go f yourself.'

That's it I swear!

Jewno

awesome

Spitzer Shmitzer

Yeah, okay. So you rely on us to bring you current events as they happen, and bitch and moan about celebs and the like. So we avoided the Spitzer dilemma because quite frankly, we don't care. We are both happy as pigs in poop to see a black and blind man become the governor of our state, thank you very much.

What did the whole Spitzer debacle mean to me? Well pretty much the only flag it raises in my book is, considering the percentage of men in the public eye who are willing to risk everything - and quite frankly, their version of everything is more than us everyday-folk, because their mistakes get smeared all over the papers, the internets, the rag mags...ours just get punished internally - these idiot men in the public eye who cheat on their spouses with shady coworkers, bosses, hookers, massage therapists, strippers, trannies, men, whomever; only leads me to believe that the percentage of unfaithful men in this country is much higher than we thought it was. If the governor of the state of New F-ing York is so horny and stupid that he shuttles a hooker between states, a hooker who CLEARLY knows who he is and his position in politics, and do the dirty deeds that this Spitzer character did with this bimbo, well number one he deserves everything he has coming to him, and number two, where does that leave the rest of our men?

You know what? I am about to change my vote for our next president - I am going to support Hil. Because if we finally get a woman into office, maybe she can dick Bill over and find some young hot Senate ass to mess around with, finally putting stupid men in their place. I'd love to see how a woman will defend herself to the scrutinizing public, and how her hubbie will react. Will he stand by her side as she addresses her mistake to the world? Highly unlikely. The most interesting scandal a woman in the public eye has been the center of? Martha's stock scandal.

My point exactly.

What celebs would look like if they lived in Ohio...

Stole these from PlanetHiltron, but they are awesome...BritAniston
SJP
Pammy
Nicole Kidman

The Beckhams

I'm adding someone to my "people I don't like" list

Move over Renee Zellwegger and Rachael Ray, make room for Alicia Keys.

There's just something about her that bugs me. She is so overplayed on the radio, I learn to instantly hate her songs as soon as they are released. And all her tunes are so catchy you can't get them out of your head, it repeats on you like bad chinese food with too much soda. I wake up in the morning to the ever whiny No one no one no one... Her voice is so raspy and not in a good MJB way, it just sounds like chalk on blackboard to me. She can't put on clothes without a stylist and can't write a song without Stevie Wonder. I also think she's a closeted Lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I wish she would just come out with it. Oh and she should never dance - she can't do it, her mom is white afterall. She should just sit at the piano, I guess she's pretty good at that.

The St. Patty's Day parade down 5th ave is happening directly under my window. All I hear is drums and bagpipes, not the most melodic of instruments, I can't concentrate on my kvetching. And worse yet, this is going to make my sushi delivery man even later than usual and I'm starving for some edamame. Why can't the Irish do it like the Ricans and have their parade on Sunday - so that I can leave the city and have nothing to do with this noise.

Ho No!

The Ettes have been asked why we’ve yet to comment on the recent dealings of our illustrious governor… firstly it’s cause I’ve been busy, but secondly it’s because I’m not surprised. It’s not shocking to me that anyone in public service does something gross or illegal. To aspire to get to that level of power and fame, you have to be a special kind of person, the kind of person who consistently puts yourself first, doing whatever it takes to gain power and remain in power, you have to be the kind of person who wheels and deals, makes “back door” arrangements and doesn’t feel bad about it. Spitzer felt he was above the law, like every other politician. Big deal – not that I’m minimizing, he should lose his job and money and write a book about where he went wrong, blah blah.

The point I take issue with is his wife standing beside him at the press conference. What the hell was that about?! Even if you plan to stay with him and work things out, why the heck do you need to be at the press conference. It was different with Hill and Bill – at the time that he was speaking publicly, he was denying any involvement with Mon. It’s one thing to stand by your man if he’s saying he’s falsely accused, it’s a whole other ball of wax when he’s admitting to screwing a hooker – for years, without a condom, for upwards of 80 grand and so on.

The other issue is this face. If he’s making this face when he’s just talking, can you imagine what he looks like when he’s doing hookers – not a pretty sight.

Cleaning

I hate cleaning. But I am obsessed with clean. I am always oddly turned on when I walk into someones home and it is shining like Daddy Warbucks' head. It tells you a lot about a person - how clean (or dirty) their home is. I become a bit manic depressive over dust. I see it accumulating and I sort of go under, into a sad isolated, distant place. It pains me, really it does.

Today I spent about 4 hours cleaning the house. It had been accumulating for about two weeks and it was literally driving me to drink. (At night I would get home from work and see the dust, but I'd be so tired that I would just have a glass of wine instead because the dust magically disappears after about two glasses.) So today kinda sucked. But you know what? I could eat off my damn floors if I wanted to. So I am just walking around my house now, wine glass in hand, admiring my sparkly surfaces. I fully intend to hire a housekeeper one of these days. Our last housekeeper, Alisha, was fabulous - but she won't travel to where we live now - she says it's too far. So alas, I have to start the hunt of finding that special someone who really knows how to get into crevices. It's not easy! But I'll be damned if I am going to spend my weekends scrubbing floors. I am too cute for that shit. And husbandette goes off to spend all day in a bar in the city doing his Fantasy Baseball picks (uh, hello, dork), I certainly don't want to resent him when he comes home because I've been on my knees all day picking up dog hair. That's certainly not very newlywed-ish.

In fact, there are two things I think are absolutely KEY to a relationship's success, and they are: 1) not having to share a bathroom with your spouse, and 2) hiring someone to clean your house so you don't have anything to be resentful about - you both work hard, why should your spare time be spent with a rag and a bottle of Pledge? I believe cleaning house is the demise of many a relationship.

No. My Sunday's are valuable, thank you very much. They are for manicures from ladies with XL latex gloves, and shopping at discount department stores.

Which special girl is having a birthday?

Courtesy of 2's Husband-ette

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

OTSBH

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders

We had an interesting brainstorm in my office yesterday for a bra company.
Picture 25 girls and one man in a room discussing bras – what we like about them (hold us up, make us feel sexy) what we hate about them (uncomfortable, stabbing underwire). It soon became clear that there is a huge divide among bra wearers, the BTC (Big Titty Committee) and LTC (Little Titty Committee) feel very differently about their bras.

For the LTC, bras are all about fun and fashion and looking cute. They match their bras to their panties, they wear different shapes depending on their mood, they have them in every color and fabric.

For the BTC, of which I’ve been a long-standing member, it’s a different story. Bras for us are all about pushin em up and keeping em there and doin so with as little pain as possible. We have a lot of bras but they serve different purposes, some are for strapless outfits, some minimize, some offer full coverage (to avoid the nip point), some are racer back for tanks, some are lacy – the goal is to have them on only very briefly, etc… We have a couple in pretty colors, but we never wear them. We basically rotate between three black and nude choices that offer full seamless coverage, with strong, wide, padded straps – something your grandma would be proud to see you in.

So for the guys it’s a toss up. Play with the LTC and you get to see lots of fun, fruity, sassy, sexy lingerie and tiny little bitties. Play with the BTC and you are looking at Aunt Mildred’s undergarments but you get big, round, juicy bits below. What do you prefer?

OMG OMG OMG

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

This just made my week...the trailer for the sequel to the Lost Boys has been released, and it is HOT HOT HOT. Corey, Kiefer...oh how I missed you. I have felt so sad for generations after me who have lost out on the opportunity to appreciate this cult classic. Now unfortunately Kiefer doesn't return for the sequel - he's too busy getting blind-drunk and stripping down to his skivvies at a bar in a town near you, BUT his younger half-brother Angus is in it, and if he's half as hot as Kiefer was during the original, well that's all the reason you need. Additional reasons? Haim AND Feldman return.

Coming July 2008. Trailer above...

Photo Shoppa

Thanking Ette1 for her Everyone Loves Raymond wifey-with-no-bellybutton shot - I would like to add to the fun with this great website to kill time with.

http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/

Not only will it make you feel better about yourself and your maybe-cellulite/nose/ugly hands, but it's a fellow blogger and we love to represent.

Of course they were toking on that island

How long were Gilligan and the crew castaway on a deserted island - you know they needed to do something to pass the time. Makes sense they'd be gettin high. But looks like 40 years later they still can't kick the habit. Little Mary Ann was busted for driving with Mary Jane in the car. She made up some lame excuse for the cops saying it wasn't hers but that it belonged to some hitchhikers she picked up who were "stranded" on the street and was giving them a ride.

Bright Idea

In an attempt to prove I have big ideas too, and 1 is not the only one to come up with important legislation to try to get passed like banning celebrity annulments, I have come up with my own important legislation I would like to put out there for everyone to ponder, as I prepare my docs to head down to Washington.

Now hear me out:

The weekEND becomes the WEEK. And vice versa.

Now I firmly believe that this would have a huge impact on our economy, our mental and physical health states, our children and FAMILY systems. If we could have five days off a week and only work two, don't you think those two days would be much more productive? I can tell you, if I had to do the work I do in one week in two days, I would probably not be blogging much, but then again I don't really blog on the weekends anyway because well, Saturday is God's day and Sunday is the day of rest. But if I had to, I think I could work like 10 hours straight, two days in a row, without the mundane BS that gets pulled all day long, like personal phone calls, web surfing, text messaging, bathroom breaks, walks around the building for "fresh air" and long lunches to catch up with friends or coworkers. If instead, we ate at our desks those two days. Or better yet, we skipped lunch those days (America's too fat anyway - we could kill another bird with this stone) and just banged out a killer work load. And then the reward? Five days off. Think about it...What does that mean? Well for one, every week could be a mini vacation if we wanted. Think of the places you could go if you had five days!! I mean, Australia and Asia might be out of the question, but a jaunt to London for 5 days? A stint in Paris or Amsterdam? A stroll on the beach in St. John? Ab. Sa. Lute. Ly.


Our families would be better off. Moms and dads would be around more to be part of little Juniors' lives. Kids would probably stay off the dope. Divorce rates would probably go down. Prescription drug companies would probably all go to hell in a hand basket because all the anti-depressants, anxiety pills, tension relievers we all take due to our stressed out jobs would no longer be needed. So we'd be a cleaner, healthier, skinnier, happier nation. Sign me up.


Seriously, I can't believe no one has thought of this idea yet. I am going to call that 1-800-InventHelp number and see how to patent it because it's HUGE. And I think this has the potential to be picked up by the American public and extremely well-received - unlike when the government tried to convert us to the metric system over a five year transitional period and we all just basically told them to take their kilometers and go to hell.


Gotta go to bed now, it's 8:30pm, I've had an exhausting day at work, I just ate a nasty frozen lasagna because I was too pooped to cook and now I don't feel well and I'm tired and I have to do it all again tomorrow. Crap.

ew, ew, ew, ew, ew

Check out the chick from Everybody Loves Raymond. I don't know if this pic is doctored but she is sans-belly button. Gross. She's been pretty open about having a ton of plastic surgery after giving birth to her twins, but seriously, what kind of tummy-tuck removes your belly button. Gross, gross.

Does it bother you that Pam Anderson is filing for annulment?

Because it bothers me.

Getting a marriage annulled basically means it never happened. It’s null, it didn’t exist. I understand why we allow for that rule, like if some dude tricked me into marrying him and it turned out he was actually a woman – then it makes sense to annul that shit. I don’t want a divorce on my record for something like that. But that bitch knew what she was getting into when she married Paris’ sex tape guy. He isn’t secretly a woman – we saw the tape! I’m sure she, along with every other human being with a TV, knew that maybe this “marriage” wasn’t the most well-thought-out idea in the world. Somewhere deep in her peroxided brain, she had an inkling that they may not be life partners. So no, she doesn’t get to just have the thing deleted from existence. She should have a long, drawn out, miserable divorce during which all kinds of creepy tip bits about their lives become public and she loses millions in a settlement – since obviously there was no pre-nup. If I ever become president (I’m not that far off since I’m a veep) then I will enact a no annulment rule for famous people. Famous people you are henceforth warned. You are famous – your marriage has a really really tiny, little, basically nothing chance of being successful – so please think long and hard before you say those vows. Consider for yourself – is this someone I may potentially want to go through a long painful divorce with? If yes, fine than marry – because there will be no more get out of jail (jail = marriage) free cards anymore – unless of course the person you married turns out to be a woman.

Latex Me Up

Some people go to church on Sunday - I go get a mani. Today decided to throw in a pedi for good measure as the dogs were starting to bark a little bit and spring time is rolling in like a hay bale. Went to my usual place, typical Korean nail salon situation. I've been going to this one for a little while now - this is the same place where the lady asked me if I was a junior or a senior in high school, and if that's not reason to continue patronizing a business, I don't know what is.

So like I said, I decide on a pedi. Now the pedicure is a sacred thing that should be treated as such. Good rag mags to read, hot water in my basin, and the jets better work, and I want a decent scrubbing of my soles and it's super nice when my back massage remote control actually works and isn't saran-wrapped together to within an inch of its life (btw, what is it with nail salons and saran wrap?? They use it for everything!! In the same vain as Chris Rock and Tussin, Saran wrap is apparently the nail salon cure-all.)

So my basin's water jets don't work. Bummer, okay, my shoes are off, my jacket and purse are situated in a clean spot next to me, my pants rolled up, I finally got squeezed into the chair after practically groping the woman next to me (why must the chairs be so god damn close?) so no, I don't want to switch to a different chair, I tell her. It's fine. One feature not in working order is not the end of the world.

Then, the whammy. My lady comes over in a lab coat, which I thought was a little strange to begin with because the rest of the ladies were wearing aprons over their street clothes, and she proceeds to pull out a pair of EXTRA LARGE latex gloves, which she puts on. Now this woman had small hands. She put these gloves on that would have fit on Roger Clemen's head they were so big. The latex-y fingers were just hanging limp. And the smell. Ugh. I don't know about you, but there's something about the smell of those latex gloves that makes me want to hurl. So I'm kind of looking at her in disbelief, wondering what exactly she is going to do with these hands of hers now that they are swimming inside huge condoms. I think to myself, maybe she wears them to remove the old nail polish from my toes - maybe the polish remover dries her skin out or something. No such luck. Lady left them on the entire pedicure. As she was filing my toenails, the loose latex fingers were getting stuck between my toes and the emory board and she had to keep flinging them out of the way. She gave me a leg and foot massage with them on, all the while the lotion getting trapped in the crevices of baggy rubber and sliding up and down my legs and between my toes. I'm telling you, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever experienced and I think it gave me a complex. I sat there shocked, spending the entire pedicure wondering if I should politely ask her to remove the gloves, or was that rude? Maybe it was a sanitary thing? And then I felt bad for her, that the salon didn't provide them with gloves that fit and maybe it was a clue to how they treat their employees and so I started getting angry. No, that couldn't be it. She was the only one wearing them. And then, before I know it, it's over. And I realize that I have spent the last 25 minutes transfixed on her hands and on these gloves and had completely zoned out - must have looked like a crazy person. My tongue was practically hanging out. So I thanked her and shimmied out of my seat in my Styrofoam makeshift flip flops, careful not to fall on the lady with the hairy legs next to me.

Thank you, Latex Lady, for making today's experience extra-super. My toes thank you. You've given me a number of complexes, but my Midnight In Moscow toes are short and glossy. And what more could a girl ask for.