The Ettes Guide to Surviving the Recession

As our economy literally goes to hell in a handbasket, we'd like to give you some ideas and ways to battle the storm and try to stay on top. Hope these help.

1. Your stocks may be plummeting, but thankfully your boobs haven't yet. Put those assets to good use and start up a boob-view web cam. Charge people $10 and then flash them your boobs, online. People will always pay for porn, even when they can't pay their utilities.


2. Go through your closet and pull out all the clothes with tags still on them. Now go return all the clothes. So what if you bought half the stuff pre-Bush administration? The tags are still on, that means they are unworn and YOU don't want or need them anymore. Take 'em back and while you're at it cause a scene at the register if they give you a hard time. Tears usually help. Something to the effect of putting food on the table usually works.


3. Now is the time to get all your pals to buck up and pay you back the money you loaned to them last week/month/decade. Remember when you gave Sue $5.00 at lunch because she lost her wallet? Well Sue never paid you back, and now's as good a time as ever to collect. Who cares that she no longer works with you/recently lost her spouse in a boating accident/overdosed on anti-depressants/lost her job. Five dollars is five dollars. All that money might come in handy soon.


4. Start buying all your stuff in bulk, at Costco. Like 10 lb containers of salted peanuts. Use only the amount you need and return the rest. They have an extremely liberal return policy, and you can absolutely convince them that after using three meals-worth something just didn't taste right and you want your money back. Trust me, they will give it to you. In cash.


5. Have a yard sale and put all your wares out on the lawn. Dress like a gypsy and then sell all your things, as well as your tears, which you have bottled. You have too many possessions anyway. Stop being so materialistic.


6. Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Who cares if you get fat?? The economy is going to hell in a handbasket, remember? What's next? Armageddon?

This is just a starter. We will update as necessary. In the meantime, grab that bottle of booze and just drink. It really does numb the pain.