Latex Me Up

Some people go to church on Sunday - I go get a mani. Today decided to throw in a pedi for good measure as the dogs were starting to bark a little bit and spring time is rolling in like a hay bale. Went to my usual place, typical Korean nail salon situation. I've been going to this one for a little while now - this is the same place where the lady asked me if I was a junior or a senior in high school, and if that's not reason to continue patronizing a business, I don't know what is.

So like I said, I decide on a pedi. Now the pedicure is a sacred thing that should be treated as such. Good rag mags to read, hot water in my basin, and the jets better work, and I want a decent scrubbing of my soles and it's super nice when my back massage remote control actually works and isn't saran-wrapped together to within an inch of its life (btw, what is it with nail salons and saran wrap?? They use it for everything!! In the same vain as Chris Rock and Tussin, Saran wrap is apparently the nail salon cure-all.)

So my basin's water jets don't work. Bummer, okay, my shoes are off, my jacket and purse are situated in a clean spot next to me, my pants rolled up, I finally got squeezed into the chair after practically groping the woman next to me (why must the chairs be so god damn close?) so no, I don't want to switch to a different chair, I tell her. It's fine. One feature not in working order is not the end of the world.

Then, the whammy. My lady comes over in a lab coat, which I thought was a little strange to begin with because the rest of the ladies were wearing aprons over their street clothes, and she proceeds to pull out a pair of EXTRA LARGE latex gloves, which she puts on. Now this woman had small hands. She put these gloves on that would have fit on Roger Clemen's head they were so big. The latex-y fingers were just hanging limp. And the smell. Ugh. I don't know about you, but there's something about the smell of those latex gloves that makes me want to hurl. So I'm kind of looking at her in disbelief, wondering what exactly she is going to do with these hands of hers now that they are swimming inside huge condoms. I think to myself, maybe she wears them to remove the old nail polish from my toes - maybe the polish remover dries her skin out or something. No such luck. Lady left them on the entire pedicure. As she was filing my toenails, the loose latex fingers were getting stuck between my toes and the emory board and she had to keep flinging them out of the way. She gave me a leg and foot massage with them on, all the while the lotion getting trapped in the crevices of baggy rubber and sliding up and down my legs and between my toes. I'm telling you, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever experienced and I think it gave me a complex. I sat there shocked, spending the entire pedicure wondering if I should politely ask her to remove the gloves, or was that rude? Maybe it was a sanitary thing? And then I felt bad for her, that the salon didn't provide them with gloves that fit and maybe it was a clue to how they treat their employees and so I started getting angry. No, that couldn't be it. She was the only one wearing them. And then, before I know it, it's over. And I realize that I have spent the last 25 minutes transfixed on her hands and on these gloves and had completely zoned out - must have looked like a crazy person. My tongue was practically hanging out. So I thanked her and shimmied out of my seat in my Styrofoam makeshift flip flops, careful not to fall on the lady with the hairy legs next to me.

Thank you, Latex Lady, for making today's experience extra-super. My toes thank you. You've given me a number of complexes, but my Midnight In Moscow toes are short and glossy. And what more could a girl ask for.