Hey There, Say Dare

My family suffers from OCSD. That's obsessive compulsive seder disorder. Basically, each year the "patriarchs" decide that we are going to complete the seder if it kills us, singing each and every verse of every song, (Dy'einu anyone?) having everyone at the table recite the four questions (even though no ne at the table is under the age of twenty, so to whose benefit are you drilling it home for 16 times is a mystery), as well as the mandatory return post-meal to "complete" the event (because everyone knows God will smote you should you eat and forget about the last few pages). So it will be. Last year we entertained ourselves by coining ours the "Vader Seder," as husbandette happened to find a table-sized talking Darth Vader who at the push of a button said things like "Your lack of faith disturbs me," and such. That was fun. Albiet the Bubbys and patriarchs at the table found our lack of seriousness disturbing. This year, Vader was forgotten in the weekend rush so the company of each other had to suffice for entertainment purposes. And so it will be. I have a few Passover issues I'd like to address:

1) If you are going to say that a certain part must be sung, than sing it! Groaning, moaning, off key mumbling is not singing. And it doesn't make it more "festive" than just speaking the words.

2) Tongue is not a meat. I don't care how you cook it, what you slather it in. It is gross and it should stay in the cow's carcass. I have no problem eating his rear end, but I draw the line at the tongue. And cooking it in ketchup like a meatloaf only makes me more nauseous, now that you've slathered it in what looks like blood.

3) Kosher for Passover loafs/logs/dessert rolls are just a little bit scary. Just a little.

4) The four questions are traditionally supposed to be addressed by the YOUNGEST AT THE TABLE ONLY. Don't go being a hypocrite and saying we must follow tradition and endure all seven hours of the seder and then reverse yourself by making 18 people recite the exact same questions. I KNOW why this night is different!! Thank you!

5) Hiding the afikomen is only going to get a reaction out of me if there's a monetary reward for finding the damn thing. My time is valuable. I'm not traipsing around the house looking for stale cardboard pieces above and beneath all your junk. Pay me.

That's pretty much it. I love my family. I love the time we spend together. I kid, really, I do. But next year? It's Passover at MY house with new Seder rules in effect. Invitation's in the mail.