It stinks in here

OK Pants, I’m sorry please don’t take offense but this needs to be discussed.

When did it become acceptable for men/boys to fart in the presence of other people? Not just other people – it’s not generally something they do at work or randomly out loud in public places, but at home with friends and family they let them fly. You know you do, don’t deny it. And I don’t know who allowed this to happen. When I grew up my dad never farted in front of us – yes, he’d sit at the dinner table in his tighty whities and nothing else, but he’d never think to pass gas in our presence. And before you start in, yes I fart, everyone does, but I limit mine to the confines of the bathroom. (ok, sometimes I leave the door open when I’m in there and sometimes I do it when you’re still at the table eating dinner – but still it’s in the designated fart area.) Not the guys I know, Pants, Flan, Bro-In-Law, you are all guilty. You fart, you do it loudly and often and it always stinks, and it’s never just a poof of bad air that dissipates immediately – it’s more like a dense fog of putrid rotten egg smell that lingers in my air space for many minutes – enough time for you to fart again. As 2 so eloquently filled you in, my apartment is not very large, so 5 farts in an hour period make for not a very pleasant living space. And the worse thing, these guys don’t feel bad about it. They are basically proud of every little extrusion they make and the louder the better. I’m not singling out Pants – all the rest of you do it too and you think it’s funny and doesn’t matter, but it’s not and it’s gross. And I worry about what happens if Pants and I procreate – am I going to have little Shorts running around tooting all day and getting a good giggle out of it? Let’s all please take a moment to reflect – somewhere in your history you got it in your head that it was perfectly normal and acceptable to fart in front of others. That is not that case however. When you feel a little pressure down below you are too squeeze it up tight and stay still until the sensation goes away, and then make a mental note to yourself to visit the bathroom soon. This is proper procedure. If you cannot hold out, and can't get to a bathroom in time, you ease up the tension just a bit so you pass a little gas noiselessly. Then if anyone seems to notice the odor and starts to look around, you look around too like you are all annoyed that someone else farted. Farting 101 – learn it. We’ll deal with burping in our next session.