Alright, alright - Vegas Finale

Well me made it through night one in Sin City, nary a new tattoo in sight, no extra wedding ring, no third person in our bed and our dignity fully intact. Let's get this show on the road. First up is a massage at Canyon Ranch Spa for yours truly, from the in-law-ettes who are so thoughtful it kills me. What a great way to spend the afternoon. It was a total treat! Thanks, parentettes for making my day warm and fuzzy and pretty much the best thing ever.

My masseuse told me to drink lots of water though. Doesn't he know better? Who the hell drinks water in Vegas??

That night, H-ette took me for a special romantical dinner at Charlie Palmer Steak...what a delish experience that was, replete with cucumber martinis and a surprise gelato dessert with a candle all all aglow. He is the Glove of my Life. H-ette, not Charlie Palmer.

Then it was off to Cirque de Soleil's Zumanity. This show takes place in New York, New York. Neither of us having been to this particular casino, we were excited at the prospect of something new. It will be just like home, we thought! Oy. Not. So. Much.

NY NY Casino is basically where the fattest Americans go to die. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. Not only did nothing about this place resemble NYC (cobblestone streets and outdoor bars sounds a little more New Orleans, thank you - and there is no such thing as Christopher St without the gay bondage stores. Sorry.) So whatev, we're here, the show is in an hour, let's W.T. it up. We go to a bar, order a round of drinks and just sit back and people watch. We saw some sights from those bar stools. I won't even get into it, there might be kids reading this thing. Let's just say this - unless you weigh in at over two bucks and fifty cents, and your main food group consists of cheese, you probably won't enjoy your stay here. Seek accommodations elsewhere.

Thus, the show must go on...which it did, and it was as raunchy and overt and sexy and erotic as they say it is. Burlesque in the Big Top, so to speak. It was fabulous, we had a hell of a time, and saw contortionists do things with their bodies that give them their own tab on certain porn sites. Don't act like you don't know about these kinds of things.

After the show we immediately headed back to our comfort zone (Mandalay Bay! Four Seasons! Give me luxe and give it to me now!) and proceeded to play to our hearts content - or until we couldn't imagine having one more drink and the ciggy smoke was starting to make us feel weak. Then it was Bedtime for Frances and Francine in our clean, uppity hotel room, thank you very much.

And there you have it. Final day was spent poolside, whetting our whistles with pina coladas and letting the Four Season's pool boy shpritz our faces with Evian spray. Swear. This is why this place rocks. Oh, and they come around with all sorts of free treats like creamsicles and orange slices while you bake. Love it.

And then it was home for the Lord and Lady. I'll save my red-eye kvetch for another day...