What's the Difference

Fundamentally, men and women are different. Priorities, interests, turn-ons/offs, pretty much the works. I get it. This isn't some attempt at providing you with some breakthrough. But there are certain things I don't understand, and I'd like to put it out there and then give you mens a fair parallel to get you to understand how ridiculous some of your obsessions are.

1) Stereo/TV/Video game/Electronic Compulsion. Just because they come out with a new Playstation/HDTV/etc does not mean you must own it. Zac Posen comes out with an ENTIRE collection of clothing each season - you do not see me running to Saks to purchase it. Just because it exists out there in the universe does not mean it is meant to be owned by you. You are not 16 with an after school job working at Foot Locker. You do not get to spend all your earnings on toys anymore. I don't care who of your friends has it, go play it at their house then. It will work two fold because you wanted time away from the nagging wife anyway, so it's a bonus excuse to get out of the house. The equivalent of this, men, would be if I just bought a Marc Jacobs bag. And then a few months later, the exact same Marc Jacobs bag comes out merely "updated" with a new zipper and a new lining, and one of my friends got the new one and I know from experience it's SO much cooler than the one I currently use to shlep all my shit around in. If I told you that the "new and improved version" of the $600 bag I just HAD to have 3 months ago has come out and my old one is a dinosaur bag, well for this you would laugh in my face.

2) Cars. Yes, your car is nice, it goes fast, it's great. Woohoo. Does it need a $22 car wash every week? Probably not. Shit, your car gets washed more often than I wash my hair. I just don't get the need to be able to see your face stubble in the gleam of the paint. That's what mirrors are for. This would be the equivalent of me saying to you that I need a weekly blow out at the salon, which will cost approximately $35. I want you to be able to see your reflection in my shiny locks.

3) Golf. You men use this as an excuse to partake in an expensive game that makes you appear wealthy, sophisticated, knowledgeable and connected. You try to woo us with this "sport" by telling us that it's good exercise and it keeps you fit. No it doesn't. You go to the golf course with your buddies, drink two beers before you start, have a big lunch in the middle and then when the game is over you celebrate with scotch. That is not exercise, that is called a party. I can not be fooled. This is the equivalent of me telling you that the spa is an important part of my career building and well being. So have fun at the course, I'll be getting a $200 rubdown and a pedicure where they rub my calves with caviar.

4) Sex. You men claim you need it all the time. You complain that you don't get it enough. This is the equivalent of me complaining all the time about all the things you don't do enough, like cook, clean, pay attention to my sensitive needs, be affectionate and romantic, handle chores...all that.

Oh, wait...I do complain about those things. Hm. Oh, well then, carry on. Let me know when you'll be back from golf so I can pop in Grand Theft Auto and then after I kick your ass we can go have sex like animals.