David Blaine - Dumb Magic

I made Pants watch Oprah yesterday to see David Blaine try to drown himself. There is something oddly compelling about this guy. Something in his soft, scratchy voice, mischievous smile and refusal to elaborate on answers – have you ever seen him being asked a question, he starts out answering but then sort of drifts off and is quiet and you are all waiting like is he going to continue, is he going to add anything and then of course he doesn’t. You know Oprah doesn’t like that shit. Maybe it’s part of his magical mystique, it’s frustrating and alluring at the same time. So of course he doesn’t drown and he beats the world record for holding his breath – something like 17 minutes – which is freaking crazy. You watch and as he takes his last breath and starts holding it, you kinda hold your breath too, and then in like 20 seconds you let it out and are all huffing and puffing. I can’t even hold my breath in the spray tan booth. The whole thing is like two mins and they recommend you not breathe it in because it’s probably composed of little beads of cancer water that turns your skin brown. But as soon as that shot of cold-ass tan hits my back I freak and take a huge breath in and then choke from the fumes, get out early and end up with f’ d up orange streaks all over my body. Next DB plans to try to stay awake for like 2 weeks. I’m trying to beat the longest sleeping record, but lose because of the freaking trash trucks every weekend, and this guy wants to stay up. I’ll never understand why people aim to break records, someone else just breaks it right after you so all that work just goes to waste. I’m going to remain mediocre.