American't Idol

I love it. I love it so much it hurts. Really, mostly, just when they do auditions. I stop watching when the true talent land in LA and really open up the diaphragms. Who cares about them...I like the raw, ridiculous antics of idiots around the country who shame themselves and their families by dressing up like chickens and goth-wrestling yodelers to try to squander a seat in the finals.

The best is when they go on and on to the camera before-hand about how great they are, and how their family has always told them they should try out for Idol. And you're watching with bated breath just so you can listen to their mumbled off-kilter rendition of some terrible Bobby Womack song. And then it comes, and it's so juicy and terrible that it makes you need to pee it's so much fun. And the ones who do nothing but a sort of half-hearted mumble/breathy/humming? That takes the absolute cake. I have to get dessert and a glass of milk with the DVR on pause just to prepare myself for those treats.

I am more interested in these people's families, to be perfectly honest...mostly the ones who travel to the auditions with their sons/daughters/baby mamas/great grandkids...they always seem even more interesting than the actual "singer." Usually they have disabilities, or else they just play a disabled person on TV - you can never quite figure it out. I am also enamored b/c these are the people who provided the positive reinforcement to their "Idol," thus propelling them to make a complete buffoon out of themselves on national television. I need to know - it kills me - are these people pimping these kids out because they truly believe they are going to land in a pile of gold dog poo by virtue of singing? I need to know..it kills me. Especially those from Literally-Nowhere Nebraska. Does pitch and off-key not mean anything to you people? Just because little Marla sang her heart out at the Church Bingo Night and the Chili Eating Contest does not mean she is talented. It means you guys need to stop drinking that moonshine.

Ah, American't Idol...couldn't you just give us a season's worth of rejects one after another? Oh wait...you do!